It’s been five whole days since the last episode of “American Idol,” and we can feel the withdrawal. To help us all make it to tonight’s episode, I offer a behind-the-scenes look at a Simon Cowell interview conducted just before the season started.

Since he’s never given us a teary tell-all interview with Barbara Walters or a lengthy ghost-written “my mother never loved me” autobiography, we’ve never learned why “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is such a meanie. But sitting in on a teleconference with other journalists to talk about the seventh season of the ratings juggernaut, I got a very good idea of one possible reason.

It goes without saying that a karaoke TV show might inspire some dim-bulb questions, but even I had to feel sorry for Simon, who had to answer the drool-soaked questions asked by journalists who greeted him like love-starved fanboys and girls. The typical greeting went something like this: “Hi Simon! Happy New Year! It’s such an honor to talk to you! Thanks for taking the time to do this! I’m a huge fan of the show! It’s so great to talk to you!”

Thanks? For half-heartedly spending half an hour to promote the show that makes him millions of dollars a year?

After a few somewhat serious questions, the softballs started raining down.

Journalist #1: Is it worth it in the end, after watching all those bad performances?

Cowell: Yes, it’s worth it. Is it fun to doing it? No. It is becoming increasingly like torture.

[Kind of like this call, huh?]

Journalist #2: What’s your favorite memory from the [insert city here] auditions?

Cowell: I can’t remember anyone particularly, but that applies to every city.

[Simon adds that Paula, however, has a nearly photographic memory for auditions. Who would've guessed?]

Journalist #3: Any advice for Britney Spears?

[Really? You're asking the guy who wears plunging V-neck sweaters and makes fun of overweight and seemingly slow contestants for his advice? Well, for the record, if Cowell did sit down with Britney, he'd remind her of all the good things in her life, which he listed, in order, as ...]

Cowell: Her kids, her money, her success, everything. So I’d try to give her a sense of perspective.

Journalist #4: OK, how about “The Next Great American Band”? And are you going to appear on Randy’s album?

Cowell: I never saw the band show. … In terms of Randy’s album, you probably know more about it than I do. Is Ryan on it?

Journalist #5: We want to have a little fun with our “American Idol” preview package. [Uh-oh.] So I was hoping you’d give us an “American Idol”-style comment or critique of a few movie-musical performances from this year. How’d you like Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd”?

Cowell: I haven’t seen it yet. It’s opened?

Journalist #5: How about John C. Reilly in “Walk Hard”?

Cowell: No. We’re not going to do well on this, I can tell. Carry on.

Journalist #5: Amy Adams in “Enchanted”?

Cowell: No. … Can you give me a cartoon or something?

Journalist #5: A what?

Cowell: A cartoon … “Jungle Book.”

Journalist #5: No, that’s all right. Thanks. Bye.