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Another installment on "Gossip Girl" from Rya, MTV News intern and former Upper East Sider:
Hello, reader(s)! Can you believe it's already been a week? It feels like yesterday that I was sitting on my couch trying to wrap my head around Nate squiring Jenny to Butter -- but alas, that was then. Last night's episode was about as explosive as chugging a Coke after eating some Pop Rocks (read: overrated), but such an idle viewing made for even more keen observations.
Because, you see, for every handful of things on the show that are accurate, there are about 10 zillion more that are mostly wrong. And so in the spirit of Georgina, I too will shake things up a little and run down my list of Things That Could Never Happen in Real Life That Happened on "Gossip Girl" (SAT Edition). My UES insider’s rundown, after the jump.
· After some serious PDA, Dan says to Serena, "I want to take whatever SAT prep course you're signed up for." Well, Dan, that'll be tough because about two kids take SAT prep courses, while every other existing Upper East Sider resorts to a tutor. And what’s more, while I've done an impeccable job of erasing all standardized test-related memories from my (average-score) brain, I don't recall any of my school's Nate-types taking it upon themselves to study for the exam (unless brain-melting amounts of Adderall count as studying?). And you know what, Dan? Tutors charge upwards of $1000-an-hour to teach fancy kids about fancy words and how to bisect things, and the Humphreys don’t have that kind of coin.
· I'm not going to get into the "extra time" issue, but all I will say is that most of my class flooded the waiting rooms of lenient mental health professionals’ offices all over uptown to nab themselves the luxury of spending an entire day on a multiple-choice test (because of their anxiety, duh). Good on Constance and Jude's for only taking in the most emotionally stable of adolescents.
· No matter how absentee the parents, their personal assistants at the very least will make sure that there is no fraternizing the night before the Life Changing Examination. Way to step it up, Lily van der Woodsen! You're lucky Serena's new stepbrother is so enterprising that he got a girl to take the test for your daughter, who was still reeling from a night with "the ghost of parties past" (that situation was actually slightly believable -- more on that later).
· Blair, c'mere. Closer. OK, just between us, you know, one daughter of a lingerie designer to another, didn't your mother supply you with some sort of "daytime loungewear" to sport to your 7:30 am test on a Saturday morning? You and your crew were far, far too made-up for the occasion.
· I know that SATs are usually taken about fourteen times during a student's junior and senior years, but really -- not one cheating scandal? Looks like these bad boys and gals are all show, no show-me-your-answers.
· Jenny Humphrey ate a hot dog from a street vendor for lunch. How Brooklyn of her…? Right. Anywho!
· Alright, I'm about to get really local, but writers, if you're going to incorporate a plotline about a dog walker (or “minder”? Who is Asher? And why is he showing up in this mythical “Brooklyn”?), why not write about the dog walker who I always saw around the UES? You know, that guy who looked like the drummer from the Black Keys, and had an Opeth patch safety-pinned onto his purse? He is a real person, and he's so UES that I once sat next to him on the Jitney [Ed:That would be the Hampton Jitney, people.].
· I actually found Nate and Vanessa's budding relationship to be realistic to a point. And by "to a point," I mean that that kind of kindling doesn't usually happen until college. But Nate, you and I both know that the Captain would not set foot in an “outer borough” if his life depended on it.
· I found it hard to believe that wise Nelly became entangled in Blair's poisonous web -- and the fact that she broke up with her equally-nerdy boyfriend at a Flo Rida concert (poetic license?). And let me just point out how uncouth it was for Blair to play a Flo Rida song (about an elevator, as she got off an elevator!) on her signature Verizon phone so loudly in the school's hallways.
· I enjoyed Georgina because of how realistic her type truly is. These girls who've had one-scandal-too-many are packed off to such exotic locales as "Utah," "Out West," and "Switzerland" to dry up (supposedly), but in all likelihood spend that time wreaking similar havoc in those less-urban settings. These ladies often come home for Thanksgiving and the odd weekend, and you'll know exactly which girls in your grade decided to spend some time with her when they show up to school on Monday with stories involving investment bankers, an intense case of raccoon eyes, and a new reason to frequent the restroom.
· Rufus Humphrey can add "responsible father" right next to "major babe" and "total dreamboat" on his list of good qualities. Keep Jenny at home, Roofy, or she's likely to get roofied (okay, I'm hilarious, and c'mon, the joke was appropriate this week!).
· I'd like to apologize for a falsehood from last week's column. Teenagers do live in Williamsburg -- though they're often of the Hasidic persuasion.
OK, back to tabulating the Choose or Lose NC-primary office bets. OMG, I'm going to make a fortune...
XOXO