There are just a handful of sure things in life: footage of George W. Bush dancing will always be hilarious; few people will ever be smart enough or tough enough for chessboxing; and Paula Abdul will forever be our girl when it comes to saying and doing the strangest things on “American Idol.”

But in a seven-year career that has included some all-time classics, Abdul’s antics last night took the cake. More addled-looking than usual, the judge with the tongue three sizes too big for her own mouth managed to critique a performance that hadn’t even taken place yet…except perhaps in her alternate Paulaverse [Ed: Trademark!]. Some of you might have checked the ticker on your TiVo to make sure you hadn’t accidentally skipped ahead in time, but the looks on Randy and Simon’s faces let you know it was just another classic Abdulawha???

Inspired, we at MTV News put together a list of the former MC Skat Kat dance partner’s Top Five goof-ups. It’s all after the jump — if you dare.

5) Corey Clarkgate: Of course, Paula will tell you that there is one rule to “Idol,” and that is you never ask for a do-over. But, there’s kind of another rule, and that is you don’t, allegedly, have an affair with one of the contestants.

4) Morning Sickness: After combating rumors of alleged drug or alcohol issues after a series of bizarre episodes on “Idol” in 2004 (which she blamed on the heavy doses of medicine required to treat her recently diagnosed reflex sympathetic dystrophy), Abdul set the ‘net on fire last year with a string of morning-show interviews in which she appeared drunk and/or stoned. Apparently, though, she was just tired. Really, really, really tired.

3) The One With the Melon and the Fortune Cookie: Say what you will about the theories that “Idol” might be rigged and someone is feeding Abdul her lines — unless those lines are being written by the ghost of Albert Camus with the assistance of a roomful of howler monkeys using broken typewriters, we doubt even they could have come up with this classic from 2006. “Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the cornflake always finds the melon, and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.” Exactly.

2) The Lady Will Have the Pizza, No, the Salad: In that same episode, when Ryan Seacrest asked Abdul which two contestants she thought might have gotten the least votes, she lucidly explained, “Simon said because one of them ate pizza and the other ate salad.”

1) Omaha-ha-ha — OK, Now You’re Freaking Us Out: During the Omaha, Nebraska audition round for this year’s show, Abdul brought the crazy like never before. First, she showed up late, then she appeared to be asleep on the desk. Then she arm-wrestled, hic-coughed uncontrollably (which prompted Simon to call her a “disgusting little pig”), and lolled her head around like a “Real World” newbie on her first night in the house. Sure, producers explained she was M.I.A. for the first half of the show due to a “delayed plane” — but unless it was delayed so they could fill the cabin with nitrous, we’re skeptical.

So is there anything we’ve missed…?