Another installment on “Gossip Girl” from Rya, MTV News intern and former Upper East Sider:

Hi, guys. So, it’s our second-to-last meeting. I feel like it’s the last night of sleep-away camp, you know? I just want to stay up all night, and write on everybody’s pillows, make out with the boy I had my eye on all summer (OK, that part never actually happened), and just revel in this really good, safe place. I don’t want the morning to come, because in the morning (that’s a metaphor for next Monday), it’ll all be over (as in this season of “GG”). Anyway!

I guess we need to talk about last night’s episode, even though it was about as exciting as that song Lincoln Hawk (or whatever the name of Rufus’s band was) played at that Rolling Stone 90’s party. Let me just get that part out of the way right now, actually:

Lily, your young and wild days were spent photographing Hootie and the Blowfish Lite? Rufus’s band (and the decade-old photo of him, which looked curiously like Pete Yorn) wasn’t even ironically good/redeeming, and I’d rather be caught with a Kenny G cassette than anything of the Lincoln Hawk persuasion. That’s the song that got you to re-evaluate your life with Bart Bass? Have you zero standards, Lil’?? And Rufus, I think I speak on behalf of the entire universe when I say WE GET IT. You are WITH IT. You can play more than three chords! Now put down that guitar, and find a new blonde to obsess over — preferably one whose daughter isn’t going all the way with your son.

But now for the weird stuff. Because for every handful of things on the show that are accurate, there are about 10 zillion more that are mostly wrong. My UES insider’s rundown, after the jump.

· Lily and Bart were planning their wedding together – not so sure about this. Having spent some of my best collegiate years as a shop girl at a very high-end store, I know Bart Bass. This is a man who has several assistants, at least one of whom takes care of such mindless, lifestyle-related tasks as a “wedding.” Bart just foots the bill and signs the card. I guess what I’m trying to say is that he’s got better things to do than plan what appears to be his 90th wedding.

· Let’s talk about elevators. There were two notable scenes that either took place in or were centered around the magical machine. The first one is for all you corporate folk out there — how much do you wish Blair’s elevator had the Captivate network? The awkwardness between Chuck and Nate in that vestibule was so thick, I could’ve cut it with Georgina’s credit card. Any bad blood surely would’ve been history had the two bonded over how they couldn’t believe how great Emilio Estivez looks for 46 (it really was his birthday yesterday). Secondly, remember when Serena told Dan she slept with someone the night before? How did Dan just magically disappear into an elevator, like perfect timing? Can I have that elevator?

· Apparently Rufus has a subscription to the Post. Rufus has a subscription to a newspaper that costs 50 cents a day, and can be found in any local deli, even in Brooklyn. I mean, seriously: who subscribes to the Post?? And you’re telling me clever, earnest little Dan wouldn’t have pushed for the Times?

· All right, Dorota, I know you’re the Voice of Reason on the show (much like the deLesseps’ maid was on the equally accurate “Real Housewives of New York City”). However, it’d be a frosty day in hell before you’d pick up the phone to actually call Lily. One of my best friends growing up had a sign in her kitchen that read something like “The Dessert is NOT for the Help.” You know what else isn’t for the help? Fraternizing with anyone in the residence over the age of 12, or anyone whom you haven’t raised due to your employers’ absentee parenting.

· Maybe my parents are just a little slow, but how did Lily know how to watch that video on the computer? I can barely read my watch, let alone watch a snuff film on one of those goofy plugs (on a PC!). Also, Lily — kudos to applying your communication skills to hunting down the family of the boy Serena “killed” within, like, three minutes.

· This is neither here nor there, but how much do we LOVE Nate and Vanessa? Quite frankly, if Vanessa’s “filmmaking” thing doesn’t pan out, she can always teach a class on “How to Domesticate a WASP” at the Learning Annex or something. I’d go — oh, I’d so go. How cute were they at the Rolling Stone/VH1 Classic affair? Which brings me to my last, and perhaps favorite, moment of the evening…

· Dan and “Sarah” are talking to each other on the bleachers. “Sarah” makes up some really weird, yet slightly sensible yarn about why she had to change her name…all while “STAY” BY LISA LOEB IS BEING SUNG IN THE BACKGROUND… LIVE, BY LISA LOEB. The shark has jumped, ladies and germs. Let’s just call it a day. Tell me Lily was born a boy. I’ll believe anything now…But oh how I don’t want to accept the fact that this will come to a close next week!

OK, back to checking in our Chose or Lose Street Teamers…
XOXO