Things That Could Never Happen in Real Life That Happened on ‘Gossip Girl’

GossipGirl

Another installment on “Gossip Girl” from Rya, MTV News intern and former Upper East Sider:

Last night’s finale was so great, I can almost accept that I won’t see my favorite fictional friends for nigh on three months. A lot of things set this episode apart from all the others. Namely, that it was — OMFG, I cannot believe I’m about to type this — mostly accurate. That said! There were some glaring discrepancies that I’d be glad to share. Because, as we all know by now, for every handful of things on the show that are accurate, there are about 10 zillion more that are mostly wrong. My UES insider’s rundown, after the jump.

· Let’s start with Jenny, because, well, the lady deserves some praise. She managed to become a budding fashionista whilst grounded! And she also won over the judges at Parsons’ summer program. This all happened within like, three episodes, with zero previous mention. I’m going to assume that this storyline decided to lay a little low because Jenny was too busy working on her retro-inspired pieces to pop up for pancakes, fraternal/paternal advice, or get involved with another malicious closet case.

· Speaking of Jenny’s breathtaking fashion acumen — was Vanessa’s dress a part of her portfolio? I hate to pull a Do’s and Don’ts, but that dress looked like something one of the female “party motivators” wore to my bat mitzvah. It was as if any minute, Vanessa was going to blow the (mosaic) roof off the classy joint with an earth-shattering rendition of “Macarena.” Also, Vanessa, I like how you managed to give Blair some of your trademark Brooklyn sass while sporting that lycra-rich mess. So edgy! So orange!

· Speaking of edgy, let’s talk Rufus(‘s tattoos). Could you deal? And when Rufus and Dan had that weird, we-are-too-close-in-both-age-and-friendship chat, he might as well have been the oldest emo boy in the world. The sadness he expressed was a pain matched only by that time he had to delete a Shins album from his iPod because those “This American Life” podcasts were taking up so much space. The good news is, if the Breeders (yeah, OK! sure!) have had enough of Lincoln Hawk mid-tour, I’m sure the Rival Schools reunion could use an opening act??

· OK, that’s enough sass out of me. I can’t help it! Blair and Chuck’s back-and-forths left me inspired. They were like the perfect premium-cable pairing that was Samantha Jones and Richard Wright (um, “SATC”) — but three decades younger. That said, I totally bought their bickering, and subsequent loss of interest in each other.

· B contributed to the best/most accurate plotline of the night: Georgina being shipped off to Utah. Ah, magical Utah, I sure hope we haven’t seen the last of your state and its healing powers! And I double-hope that’s not the last we’ve seen of Georgina’s all-too-realistic parents, oblivious enough not to realize their daughter was wreaking havoc all over town, yet doting enough to ship her away.

· I suppose this is where I talk about The Captain and the tiff he got into with his son outside the wedding. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear what they were fighting about, because relaxing, harp-driven angel music plays whenever the younger Archibald graces the screen. What I did hear earlier, however, was that these distinguished WASPs have a hive in the Hamptons. No they don’t. They’re Bedford people.

· Speaking of property, when Lily had to meet Bart at some building in an outer borough, I totally believed it. Not because he was so smooth in asking his bride-to-be to stop sleeping with her ex, but because he had the foresight to invest outside of Manhattan long before anybody else did and now spends his life laughing all the way to the bank.

· Lastly, let’s talk about LOVE. The wedding was a total wash for me because it didn’t offer a cameo appearance of the elder Mrs. van der Woodsen. However! It served as a catalyst for new love connections:

· Nate and Serena: Out of 5 Marlboro Lights stealthily smoked in Central Park between classes, I give this fair-haired duo a fair 4 puffers. Sue me, they look cute together.

· Chuck and Amelia: Out of 5 non-prescribed Adderalls, I give them 1 of the study-companion pill. Chuck’s just afraid to fall in love, and now his bedroom aesthetic will have to suffer the consequences.

· Blair and Mystery Dreamboat: Out of 5 calculus tutors hired to do a student’s homework, I give this 3.5 educated, well-paid helpers. While Chuck is Blair’s intellectual other, I see M.D. as much better-looking.

· Lily and Bart: Out of 5 prenuptial agreements signed by magnates, I give it 0 of those legal documents. Let’s just say I hope this pair signed one themselves (I tried to find out at http://lilyandbart.weddingwindow.com/, but no dice). C’mon, people! You and I both know that Lily and Rufus will be together faster than you can say “Let’s go to HORDE when it comes to town.”

· Dan and Vanessa: Out of 5 paint rollers used to freshen up an apartment in super-trendy Brooklyn that you can move into with your significant other before even graduating high school, I give it 5. They’re our generation’s Thurston and Kim. OK, actually not at all.

Now it’s off to summer for the girls and boys of Constance and Jude’s — and as Gossip Girl said, “Nobody summers better than New Yorkers.” (Of course, this New Yorker’s Choose or Lose summer will consist of running between a cubicle and conventions.) Perhaps I can use a vacation from all their drama. Oh, who am I kidding? Nate, I miss you already…
XOXO