By Rya Backer
"Hallo, everyone" (that's "hello" in Heidi for the laymen in the audience). Last night's episode was, save for a few blips here and there, about as exciting as a carburetor. Which is an apt comparison because, whaddaya know, the episode involved making fashion out of car interiors! Not just any car interior, but Saturn View Hybrid interiors. Mmmm ... do you smell that? That's some soft, buttery product placement. But I digress! Alright, buds! Ins and Outs! Keith's gone! Let's rejoice!
Stella Zotis: OK, so clearly, I'm obsessed. What can I say? The woman is slick and enchanting. She deserves props this week not only for being her but also for stepping outside her comfort zone. Stella refrained from crafting a leather garment to give the other designers a break, as she would've crushed the competition. Literally — with her hammer and grommets. While it wasn't the winning outfit, it was refreshing to see Stella display a knack for feminine pieces that are equally detail-oriented. Oh my God, I'm starting to sound like a fashion assistant again. Party foul!
Dads: Keith's attitude was reminiscent of that of someone profiled on a certain show on this network. As Keith began a "you don't appreciate me" diatribe on the runway, Michael Kors stopped the Bandana Boy in his tracks, pulled a pair of white, athletic socks up to his calves, tied a lanyard around his glasses, strapped his cell phone to his belt and became the biggest dad ever by telling Keith, essentially, to shut up. Expect a tie from me come June 14, Mr. Kors.
Moms: Laura (who, at last count, had just mothered her 99th child) filled in for Nina Garcia! Obviously!
Heidi's tattoo: Why not? It won't keep her from having sex for seven years, right?
One-liners/catchphrases: No, I'm not talking about "your face," "licious" and "wackadoodle" — they're a yawn. I'm more into Keith Bryce's declaration at the top of the show: "I want to change the way the world dresses." Aaaaaand ... that joke just wrote itself. Moving on!
Rachel Zoe: So she wasn't especially great last night. If anything, she just sounded knowledgeable (booooring!) and fair (giant yawn). But have you seen the previews for her new show? Save for Chris March's disco-Viking getup from last week, have your eyes ever witnessed anything so magical on the small screen? That's a rhetorical question.
Terri: I'm more than willing to admit that Terri's comparison of Korto's classy swing jacket to something out of "Jeepers Creepers" was uncouth. But then she started laughing and rolling around the floor, and she became a caricature of my freshman year in college, totally redeeming herself. Related: Jerell, Terri may have two faces, but only four patterns? Really?
Keith: If Keith had a different set of anatomical parts, I would've chalked up that foul mood to a violent case of PMS. But he possesses no such parts, and thus I can blame Keith's Keith-ness on nothing but himself. I found his backhanded quips hilarious for about three minutes ... then they became unbearable. If I want to watch someone whine nonsensically, I'll look in the mirror.
Sitting down: I'll give Keith this: He made one simple, professional request when his model was fitted into his poorly executed bandage-style skirt. He told her not to sit down. Ever. Not in a makeup chair, not whilst getting her hair done, not because her knees were buckling. And I can't blame Keith. Apart from the fact that one false move would've turned that skirt into a bunch of frayed seatbelts, sitting just plain sucks. I do it all day, and now I think I've got some sort of glitch in my back. So perhaps Keith meant well when he curtly requested that his model remain upright at all times; the lumbar is something you don't appreciate 'til it's gone sour.
Hair: Am I the only one who thought Jerell's model's mane wasn't "modern," so much as it was a tribute to this?
Ratbones: I'm glad Stella has found true love; Ratbones seems like a pretty stand-up guy. Their phone call radiated love, and I'm pretty sure that if the clip aired in certain countries rife with conflict, men would put down their arms. William Ratbones opened the conversation by asking his lady if she's "being bad-assed, or what?" That spiraled into a conversation so intoxicating — and perhaps intoxicated — that I'm sure there was a brief moment during the program when all viewers wondered if they'd ever have something as good as what Zotis & 'Bones seem to share.
Suede: I got a little emotional last night. No, it wasn't Beau Biden's speech that reminded me that I own a working pair of tear ducts (I watch that stuff too, you know). Rather, it was Suede's tribute to his late father, who gave him a Buick, that touched me. Suede, I hope the rest of your family is alive because — among other reasons — I can't keep having my heart broken every week.