According to the U.S. Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in America are rather de rigueur handles like Michael, Emily and Elizabeth. Nowhere on their list will you find an Apple or a Moses or even a Kal-El, which is primarily because the majority of this country’s child-bearing population is not celebrities.
And that’s a shame, because celebs pick the greatest baby names. Like, way better than anything you or I could come up with. For ever Matthew or Hannah, there’s a Seven Sirius or an Audio Science (courtesy of Erykah Badu and actress Shannyn Sossamon, respectively). There are Kingstons and Brooklyns, Zumas and Harlows, and now — thanks to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson — we have our first Bronx.
Last night, the couple welcomed their first child, a son dubbed Bronx Mowgli Wentz, to the world, and in the process, may have shattered the record for “Most ‘celebrity’ celebrity baby name of all time.” And here’s what we mean by that:
· A truly great celebrity baby name must not make an ounce of sense, despite the parents’ insistence on the contrary. When Nicolas Cage dubbed his son Kal-El, he reasoned that it was Superman’s name on his home planet of Krypton, and thus, was “unique and original.” Coldplay’s Chris Martin and actress Gwyneth Paltrow decided to call their daughter Apple because the fruit is “sweet” and “wholesome.” Korn’s Jonathan Davis chose to name his second son Pirate (and his third son Zeppelin) for reasons clear to only him.
There doesn’t seem to be any plausible explanation for Bronx Mowgli, which means that it wins.
· The greatest celebrity baby names are derived from some random work of art/ piece of literature/celestial body, or at least sound like one of the three, so as to appear “deep.” There is, of course, Erykah Badu and Andre 3000’s son Seven Sirius, Sylvester Stallone’s daughter Sage Moonblood and the late Frank Zappa’s amazing spawn (Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin). Late INXS frontman Michael Hutchence dubbed his daughter Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. U2 guitarist the Edge has a daughter named Blue Angel, after a 1930 Marlene Dietrich film, while Joel Madden and Nicole Richie’s daughter Harlow is named after ’30s film star Jean Harlow. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore named their daughter Scout, after the protagonist in Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
Pete and Ashlee’s son’s middle name is Mowgli, after the wild-haired feral child in “The Jungle Book.” ‘Nuff said.
· A truly great celebrity baby name must have unintentionally hilarious consequences. Sossamon’s daughter Audio Science’s initials are A.S.S. T.I. named his son Major Harris without realizing that it was also the name of a QB for the University of West Virginia in the late ’80s. David Duchovny and Téa Leoni have a kid named, well, Kyd. Singer Toni Braxton has a pair of sons named Denim and Diezel.
The new Wentz baby’s initials are B.M.W., which is both high class and highly amusing.
· Bonus points are awarded for naming the baby after a geographic location/township/borough, usually one the baby’s parents would never set foot in. The precedent here, of course, was set by soccer star David Beckham and his wife, Victoria, who, in 1999, named their first son Brooklyn (despite, you know, them being English and all). Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took that as a challenge, naming both of their sons after locations — Kingston (the capital of Jamaica) and Zuma (the, uh, beach in Malibu).
Pete and Ashlee’s little Bronx takes the cake here, too, because there is roughly a 100 percent chance that neither of them have ever been north of 110th Street in Manhattan.
Any amazing celebrity baby names we missed? Let us know in the comments.