By Brendan Kennedy
If, as Perez Hilton says, Tokio Hotel are the new Milli Vanilli, then I'd like to propose that Soulja Boy Tell'em is the new MC Hammer.
When Hammer came on the scene back in 1987, critics said he was bad for rap, and 20 years later, Soulja Boy faced the same charges when he dropped "Crank That." (Ironically, Ice-T came to Hammer's defense and said haters were just jealous, but this year, Ice-T called Soulja Boy's music "garbage" on a mixtape, sparking a hilarious YouTube battle.)
But the real parallels come out in Soulja's newest album, iSouljaBoyTellem, due out next week.
Top five things that make one a "Hammer":
1) Have your own dance.
CHECK! I mean, even I learned how to "Crank That." (Well, really, really badly.)
2) Have your own trademark fashion accessory that, once out of fashion, will never, ever come back in style. Hammer had his pants.
CHECK! Soulja Boy puff-paint sunglasses.
3) Have lots of simple pop songs that have just a few words repeated over and over. See: "U Can't Touch This," "2 Legit 2 Quit," "Pump It Up."
CHECK! "Gucci Bandana," "Wit My Yums On," "Booty Got Swag."
4) OK, here it comes: Spend money like there's no tomorrow.
CHECK! Soulja Boy's new song "Shoppin' Spree" really lets you know he's not a coupon-clipper in this economy, spending straight cash on $10k rings, $30k necklaces, $300k Lamborghinis and $500k houses.
5. Round it all out with a real-talk rap about how you've got to "Pray" just to make it today.
CHECK! Really! "I Pray" (the outro on Soulja's new album) sounds suspiciously like T.I.'s "What Up," but it informs us that he really cares where his soul ends up.
Don't get me wrong, I loved MC Hammer when I was a kid, and I am loving the new Soulja Boy album. I would even say that "Hey You There" is a piece of audio art, with its old-school Beastie feel and amazing editing that Girl Talk would be proud of. Well maybe not the line, "I farted, and it smelt like a stink bomb." "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" is destined to be a hit with the abstinence-loving "Twilight" fans who just want to think longingly about their true love's lips. And the song "Soulja Boy Tellem" is a perfect depiction of a day in the life of a teen rap superstar, and it shows that he is developing as an artist, not just a one-trick pony.
So, maybe he's not the next Hammer after all. What do you think?
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