Paging Colonel Sanders! Put on your best hat and sink your teeth into a hot brown sandwich because it's time to live-blog "American Idol's" Kentucky auditions, y'all!
We're three episodes into the eighth season of "Idol," and so far, (cue "The Joshua Tree") I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I have yet to be floored by an audition. I still don't have my Tami Gosnell or Briana Ramirez-Rial or any other singer that I become totally obsessed with and root for all season long. Seriously, the only person I'm rooting for this season is Grandma Furney!
Before we get to the festivities, I want to give a shout-out to MTV.COM user ripitkyle77, who wrote on last night's live-blog, "I checked out Tamarama, the band Jay from The City plays guitar for. They're really good, and he's a pretty good guitar player." Thanks for staying on task ripitkyle77! I appreciate your attention span. (PS - The name Tamarama reminds me of the amazing HBO show, "Summer Heights High," where Mr. G wrote a musical called "Tsunamarama," which told the story of the tsunami using the music of Bananarama.)
7:57 pm - My wife is taunting me by watching today's "Martha" on our Tivo. Doesn't she know that it's "Idol" night? I have to live-blog, honey!
7:58 pm - OMG Martha's making cupcakes. Do you think I'll get fired if I live-blog this instead?
7:59 pm - TV crisis averted. One more minute!!
8:00 pm - The Fox VO guy did an awesome job saying "Louisville." How versatile!
8:01 pm - Ryan Seacrest is at the Kentucky Derby! Good thing they didn't do auditions in Alaska. Where would he do his stand-ups for the show? At a meth lab?! (Sorry Alaskan reader!)
8:03 pm - Our first contestant is Tiffany Shedd. Her dad has Bono glasses. Her mom has a smokers laugh. And they both have brainwashed their talentless daughter into thinking that she will win "American Idol." I am sad.
8:06 pm - Joanna Pacitti is this season's Carly Smithson. Will "Idol" hide her record label past? Or what about the fact that she was an "Annie" who sued "Annie."
8:07 pm - OMG! Kara recognizes her from A&R Records. "Idol" is acknowledging her professional career?! My mind is blown! Poor Carly Smithson!
8:08 pm - I hate to say it, but Joanna is about 900 times more likeable than Carly. Just talkin' first impressions, folks. Don't hate on me.
8:09 pm - Here's hoping Joanna makes it to the Top 12. I have several "Annie" puns ready to fire off... I will save them for later.
8:11 pm - Commercial break "Before They Were 'Idol' Contestants" Edition: Watch this now.
8:14 pm - Mark Mudd is wearing an eagle on his tie, and his ancestor was the doctor who fixed John Wilkes Booth broken leg. If we're gonna have a "my relative is more famous than your relative" pissing contest, buddy, then chew on this: My cousins made the movie "Killer Klowns From Outer Space." I win!
8:17 pm - Brent Keith Smith is the country version of Nick Lachey. Bold prediction: He is going to win "American Idol."
8:18 pm - Paula and Kara are going down under the table for no other reason than it looks dirty. They are desperate for ratings this year, aren't they?
8:19 pm - Hold the phone. Did I address the fact that Paula yelled at Mark Mudd for saying "Be careful" on his way out? Go Paula! Sadly, she has experience with (alleged) stalkers, both in real life AND in the 1997 Lifetime movie "Touched By Evil." (Highly recommended, by the way. It is spectacular.)
8:23 pm - People in Louisville like polka dots.
8:24 pm - Our next (bad) contestant's name is Obianuju Omwurah. In your face, Chikezie!
8:24 pm - Klaus Nomi alert! He's back from the dead and auditioning for "Idol" under the alias Ryan Benningfield!
8:25 pm - Our next contestant, Matt Giraud, is a self-taught dueling piano player with a smokey John Mayeresque voice. He's likeable...except for the fact that he's a dueling piano player.
8:26 pm - Simon compared him to Elliott Yamin. Say whaa??
8:27 pm - Anyone else think they've seen this Ross nerd dude in a previous season?
8:28 pm - And he sings opera? I am so checking my old "Idol" tapes. This guy totally appeared in an earlier season.
8:30 pm - Ross is sipping through Paula's (pink!!) straw. I feel bad for the PA who had to wash the straw for Miss Abdul after this audition wrapped.
8:31 pm - A golden-ticket montage to the song "Shout" makes me wonder whether "Idol" has a new sponsor. Or I'm at a wedding?
8:36 pm - Day 2 in Lerrrrville. More polka dots. Is it Hollywood Week yet?
8:37 pm - Alexis Grace is a cute little white girl from Memphis, therefore "Idol" is playing "Walking in Memphis" in the background. If I was featured on "Idol," would they play something from the "In The Heights" soundtrack?
8:38 pm - Alexis Grace is channeling Aretha Franklin. Sheeesh. Between Alexis and Von Smith, this is going to be the loudest "Idol" season ever.
8:40 pm - Kara told Alexis to go home and make love to her fiance. Whoops. He's in military training in Pensacola. Furthermore, Alexis just acted all offended, like she was chaste or something. Um, Alexis, we just met your 1-year old baby girl. Spoiler alert: we know you ain't saving yourself for marriage!
8:44 pm - John Frances Daly is on "Bones?" "Freaks and Geeks" alert! Challah!
8:45 pm - "Idol" is cutting a "bored" montage. Art imitates life.
8:45 pm - Aaron Williamson is the new George Huff. Or Taylor Hicks?
8:46 pm - He said he wants to be "America's Next Top Model." I love him. Oh, excuse me. We're in Louisville. So I lurrrve him. Hold up - he's singing and it's a disaster.
8:48 pm - The honeymoon's over but the audition is still going on. Edit! EDIT!
8:49 pm - Paula recognizes our next contestant, Rebecca Garcia, from the morning news. Awkward!
8:51 pm - Kara insists Rebecca's terrible audition is a big joke, and Rebecca has a meltdown. Kara's mean! Talk about AWKWARD!
8:53 pm - Montage of good singers. Looks promising, folks! And "Idol's" Pity Party continues after the break. I can't take these sob stories anymore.
8:56 pm - [Scouring the internet for something that will cheer me up post-Pity Party. Any suggestions?]
8:57 pm - I know what'll cheer me up. Maru the Cat's blog. Keep this link handy folks. In less than three minutes, we're all gonna need a pick me up.
8:58 pm - Here we go. Leneshe Young was homeless, raised by her single mom. They're crying. They're hugging. They're kissing. And I'm weeping. Maru The Cat, I NEED YOU!
9:00 pm - She's singing an original song called "Natty." (Totally guessing the spelling on that.) The judges dig it! "I love your thuggish ways" = my new ringtone!
9:01 pm - Paula just said "no" to Leneshe as a joke. HA!
9:03 pm - Louisville is wrapped. But don't get too excited. Next week brings MORE auditions. At this rate, we'll crown our next "Idol" by the time "Idol: Season Nine" premieres.
Thanks for reading, folks! I'll see you all next Tuesday at 8 pm when "Idol" goes down to Gator Country. In the meantime, tell me what you thought of tonight's Louisville auditions. Do you also think that Brent Keith Smith has this season locked? Will Joanna Pecitti fare better than Carly Smithson? And do you agree that "Nattie" should be a hit? Hit me up in the comments, boo! And my favorite comment will get a big wet juicy kiss in next week's live-blog recap.