We’re Live-Blogging The ‘American Idol’ Salt Lake City Auditions!

Andy Samberg

Resident “American Idol” expert Jim Cantiello brings you a minute-by-minute recap of every episode right here! Keep checking for updates throughout the show, and don’t miss out on his previous live blogs and other “Idol” news.

Good evening, “Idol” fanatics. Time for another “American Idol” live-blog. Tonight we’re taking a trip to the pop culture mecca known as Salt Lake City, Utah. Oh, I’m serious. You may not think it, but SLCers are taking over. All the “High School Musicals” were filmed there, and last summer’s “So You Think You Can Dance” featured more Mormons than are in an Osmond family photo. (Speaking of which, I think Donny and Marie might be popping up in tonight’s episode.) And we all know David Archuleta will be stopping by to spread a little cheer with his awkward giggle and soaring vocals.

If “Idol” doesn’t find any real superstar talent in Salt Lake City, this season is doomed.

Before we get to the show, I’d like to shout out ConnieD’s comment from last night’s live-blog recap. “Michael Perrelli is the bomb! He’s got everything it takes to be a star, and I’m not joking. In addition to looks, voice, and dedication to his craft, he is always ready to have a melt-down or act pissy.” She’s right! What would Mariah Carey be without her melt-downs or ridiculous demands? “Idol” needs to find the next diva. I’m tired of these “nice people” winning the show. We need another Fantasia, honey!

Now let’s live-blog!

7:57 pm – I’m still shocked that the NY-centric “Seinfeld” had an audience outside of NYC. Why isn’t “30 Rock” doing better? Boo!

7:58 pm – This is our second-to-last audition episode! Woot! (Anyone know what tomorrow night’s “Road To Hollywood” episode is, other than an excuse to make me work another double-shift?)

8:01 pm – This is “American Idol!” New name alert! Bill DeRonde is listed as the director in the opening credits. I don’t trust him.

8:02 pm – Randy Jackson just arrived in Salt Lake City, bringing the African-American population up to 1.

8:03 pm – David Osmond lives on the set of “Big Love.” Seriously, his house looks exactly like Bill Henrickson’s house.

8:05 pm – So, David Osmond’s dad has multiple sclerosis AND David has multiple sclerosis. We’re only five minutes in and I’m already crying.

8:06 pm – Paula is concerned that David doesn’t think like a solo star, since he grew up performing with 9000 siblings. Randy and Simon aren’t convinced that he’s contemporary. Despite the drama, David gets a golden ticket. It’s true what they say. It’s not how you do, it’s who you know. And the Osmonds are like the Sopranos of Salt Lake City. You don’t wanna mess with them.

8:10 pm – Why aren’t there Denny’s in New York City? Droool.

8:11 pm – If I ever got cast on “Hell’s Kitchen” I would learn how to make Beef Wellington, because that’s essentially all people ever have to make on that show.

8:12 pm – Tara Mathews is a plus-sized goth girl with ESP. Her singing voice is making my cat, Dumpling, chase her tail. I wish my digital camera wasn’t broken! GAH!

8:14 pm – She’s flipping the camera the bird while saying, “Blur it out, blur it out!” How helpful! Is she a TV producer?

8:15 pm – Next contestant: Chris and his buddy Greg the Rabbit. This is straight out of a John Waters movie.

8:17 pm – Good riddance!

8:18 pm – The “coming up” tease seems promising. Could it be that we’re actually going to see some real singers tonight? Fingers crossed!

8:19 pm – This is the first time I’ve heard of the movie “Fired Up!” but I am going to buy my tickets online right now. Excuse me…

8:23 pm – Breaking news: people in Utah are nice. So glad “Idol” spent two minutes telling us that. Zzzzzzz.

8:25 pm – Frankie Jordan is Janice from “Friends” with Amy Winehouse’s singing voice. Literally. The judges love her. Are we not going to address the fact that she’s doing Amy Winehouse’s schtick without the whole crack addiction thing? (Allegedly.)

8:27 pm – Breaking news: Megan Corkrey is my new girlfriend.

8:27 pm – Gasp! And she’s single!

8:28 pm – She’s singing “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man” from “Showboat.” LOVE IT. She looks like a model with tattoos and sounds like Bjork? SHE IS MY SOUL MATE! (Sorry, wife.)

8:30 pm – Finally someone I’m rooting for! Megan Corkrey for the win!!

8:31 pm – Ouch. Kelly Clarkson’s new video budget was apparently smaller than an episode of “MTV Detox.” And why did she steal the concept for her video from a Jeans commercial? Fail. Love the song, Kelly. I just wish you hired me to direct your music video.

8:35 pm – Andrew Gibson’s audition is bad, but he can do the worm! There’s always “So You Think You Can Dance.”

8:36 pm – Austin Sisneros is the senior class president of a school where you have to wear all purple all the time. Is Prince the principal??

8:37 pm – Paula just cut off his audition. Is that a first?? She must really hate the band, Train.

8:38 pm – And now he’s singing a Raffi song? I’m confused.

8:39 pm – The judges like him, even though he has bad taste in music and looks like Benjamin Buttons at age 92.

8:40 pm – Rose is talking about her dead dad after the break. I’m almost out of tissues. Can they stop with these already? They’re asking us to emotionally invest in, like, 77 contestants this year. My heart (and my head) hurts!

8:44 pm – My next door neighbor is practicing the piano. It’s more riveting than this “Idol” episode.

8:44 pm – Hold up – in a montage showing people crying, one girl is walking away with a giant old lady puppet. Why didn’t we see that audition? I love old lady puppets! Bring back Madame!

8:45 pm – Wait a minute, are they seriously saying that Jarrett “Al Jarreau” Burns is a brilliant performer?

8:46 pm – A sound collage of bad singers, along with my neighbor’s piano playing, is making me wonder if there was something “extra” in my chicken parmigiana tonight.

8:47 pm – There is a giant girl auditioning. And like Jordin Sparks, she is a teenager who looks 40.

8:47 pm – Taylor Vaifanua is her name, and singing about Jesus is her game. Wait, is this Jordin Sparks in a mask?

8:48 pm – Kara likes her because she saw her in the bathroom a couple of times practicing? Oddest reason to give a golden ticket EVER. And gives “golden ticket” a whole new connotation. Ick!

8:51 pm – Oh, Harry Connick, Jr. First “Hope Floats,” now “New In Town.” True story: a friend of mine worked at a video store in high school, and he claims that a dude once stormed into the store and said, “‘Hope Floats!’ You know what else floats? Sh**!” And then he chucked a VHS copy of “Hope Floats” at the staff. What can I say? My dad has an anger problem.

8:53 pm – Rose Flack is living with her best friend’s family because her dad died four years ago. :(

8:54 pm – Oh my tragedy! Her mom died two years later?! I’ll refrain from making a “her dad looked like the Unibomber” joke then. I feel bad.

8:56 pm – Close your eyes and Rose is Beth Orton. Open your eyes and she’s a Phish fan.

8:57 pm – The judges gave her a golden ticket. They weren’t thrilled with her subpar vocals, but there was “something about her” that they really liked. Perhaps it was her sob story? Whatevs, I’m still rooting for her even though I’m being a jerk right now. I liked her vibe, too.

8:58 pm – Ughhh, tomorrow night is a 2-hour episode? Kill me now! But it’s the New York episode, so maybe I’ll be in it? (Just kidding.)

8:59 pm – Woah, that girl having a breakdown screaming “I tried my hardest” is Asia. I totally know her! I had a sing off with her on line at the auditions. Seriously! Watch it! She’s Asia, the token diva, right around the 55-second mark! Oh no, I don’t think she makes it! She was great! Booo!

9:00 pm – NEXT WEEK IS HOLLYWOOD WEEK! CANNOT WAIT! WOOOOT!

Our penultimate “Idol” audition episode is over. It was 58 minutes of crap and 2 minutes of heaven. Megan Corkrey, thank you for giving me someone to believe in this season. Dear “Idol” producers, if you cut her in Hollywood week, I will never forgive you. I don’t care if she forgets the lyrics, pulls a Josiah or turns out to be a psychopath. She’s different and funky and you’ve never had anyone on the show like her and I want her to sing Barry Manilow songs and do Ford commercials and sing awkward group numbers and eventually put out records that are mismanaged and overproduced. Thank you.

How about you guys? Did Megan tickle your fancy as much as mine? Did you ever think you’d be rooting for an Osmond? And did Frankie “Winehouse” Jordan make you go “yay” or “nay?” Hit me up in the comments! My fave will get a shout-out in tomorrow night’s (2-hour!) live-blog recap. Thanks for reading!