Resident "American Idol" expert Jim Cantiello brings you a minute-by-minute recap of every episode right here! Keep checking for updates throughout the show, and don't miss out on his previous live blogs and other "Idol" news.
Things that make me happy:
1) The sound of Skittles spilling on a movie theater floor.
2) Expensive dark chocolate.
3) HOLLYWOOD WEEK ON AMERICAN IDOL!
Yes, it's time to live-blog the first night of "Hollywood Week," that glorious part of each "Idol" season when the contestants stop being polite and start getting real. And no more depressing and reduntant audition episodes to sit through! Like a lollipop at the end of a colonoscopy, Hollywood Week is our little gift after suffering through agonizing pain.
Think of all the awesome "Idol" moments that came out of Hollywood Week. Frenchie and Kimberley killing "Band of Gold," Archuleta's tear-inducing "Heaven," Josiah's meltdown, Fantasia's "lips" comment. OMG I could write a book.
And this year we get TWO WEEKS of "Hollywood," and the added bonus of a new judge in the mix. What will Hollywood Week have in store for us this year? Let's find out together, shall we?
7:58 pm - Whew! I almost missed "Idol," thanks to a crazy-long subway ride. Question: why does snow affect an underground subway system?
8:02 pm - That was quite a teaser! Buckle up, kids!
8:03 pm - I think I have Seacrest's purple sweater. Uh oh.
8:03 pm - "Idol" Boot Camp!! SHUT UP! Why isn't this a spinoff show? They're setting them up with stylists, vocal coaches and Barry Manilow?! Best! Hollywood! Week! Ever!
8:04 pm - First round they're split into groups of eight! Lil Rounds is up first. "I Will Always Love You" is not a good choice. Kara and Paula are giving standing ovations?
8:06 pm - Dennis Brigham has crazy eyes. I feel like he's going to strangle me through my TV screen. Nightmare-inducing!
8:07 pm - Lil and four other people we've never met got through, but Dennis didn't. And he's not going without a fight. OMG he IS crazy. The eyes don't lie. You know what? This is what the judges get for putting through a mediocre singer who can do a back flip. I can't wait to see them take down Bikini Girl.
8:10 pm - Cheer up, Dennis. You could always get a job as a psychlops in these frightening H&R Block ads.
8:12 pm - AHHH! Another Bikini Girl has emerged. Except she does not have a body like the other one.
8:13 pm - Nathaniel Marshall is an unemployed 18-year-old. But he somehow has money for tattoos, piercings, a headband, a necktie and fourteen layers of clothing. He's singing a song nobody's ever heard of, and now he's defending his choice and weeping. He says music "is on his skin." Actually, two pieces of metal are on your skin. How do you eat with those things? Sheesh, I sound like my grandma.
8:15 pm - Anoop Desai is up next. This guy can SING!
8:15 pm - Jasmine Murray is very pageanty.
8:16 pm - Rose Flack is a hot mess. She's struggling in boot camp because she can't sing as well as some of the other peeps. She's doin' it for her deceased parents. This is the problem with the "Idol" sob stories. We root for them because they've had it hard, but they can't sing that well. Boo.
8:18 pm - But they're all through. See you next round Anoop, Jasmine, and Rose!
8:19 pm - Raise your hand if you miss the old puppet Snuggle Bear. What's this CGI crap?!
8:22 pm - "Backstage at the Kodak Theater, Von Smith is preparing for his performance." Which means he's getting ready to unhinge his jaw and scream like a banshee. Can't wait!
8:22 pm - Stephen Fowler is singing a hard Stevie Wonder song well. Jorge Garcia is doing well.
8:24 pm - VON SMITH ALERT! Facial tics, check. Glass-breaking decibal levels, check. Smackdown from Simon, check. Poor thing.
8:25 pm - He made it! More Von on the way. Woot!
8:26 pm - Debra Byrd needs her own show.
8:27 pm - Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell is back with a vengeance. I'm sorry, I love this guy. Norman, it's a shame the Zipper Theater closed here in New York, because you would have fit right in.
8:28 pm - Randy just called Nick/Norman a "banoodles kind of guy." Note to self: make a "banoodles" t-shirt.
8:29 pm - Norman Gentle survived the cut?!! Forget Norman, THIS SHOW is banoodles!
8:34 pm - Wait, why is "Idol" recapping the first 33 minutes of the episode right now? Are viewers really that stupid?
8:35 pm - Holy Ford Commercial! Wait, was that an ad for Ford or for Rihanna's "Shut Up And Drive" song?
8:36 pm - Jackie Tohn is quirky and wild. (She's the girl who was singing when the window broke in last week's auditions.) She's like Alanis Morisette, but with a sense of humor. She's also the recipient of the wrath of MTV.COM user "reneeden," who hilariously wrote last week, "Forget Jackie Tohn's telekinesis, that window was simply trying to commit a mercy killing. Metal and glass can only handle so much mediocrity before being propelled to cave in." HA! Okay, fair enough. The girl is mediocre.
8:38 pm - Danny (dead wife guy) is back, and now his friend, Jamar Rogers, is mooching off his sob story. But he can sing, so I forgive him.
8:39 pm - Danny is doing Seal proud, but he loses points for singing "A Kiss From A Rose." We get it dude, your wife died. I'm starting to agree with Entertainment Weekly, who were creeped out with the fact that Danny supplied broll footage of his proposal to producers. Icky.
8:40 pm - I'm sad that Monique Garcia Torres got cut, if only because I wanted to see her adorable little brother root for her in the audience this season.
8:43 pm - Uh oh, my cable is starting to act up again.
8:45 pm - Katrina "Bikini Girl" has returned, except now she's wearing a garbage bag. Barf! More Seacrest Kisses.
8:46 pm - Katrina Darrell is singing Faith Hill's "Breathe," an ironic song choice since she sings through her nose.
8:48 pm - The boys still like her. This is gross. GAH! And she made it through?
8:49 pm - Shannon Furney got cut. No more Grandma Furney?! NOOO!
8:50 pm - "Rough neck" Jeremy Michael Sarver (oil rig guy) is receiving accolades. Jesus Valenzuela is not.
8:52 pm - So...we're approaching the final act of the show and I have still not seen my future girlfriend Megan Corkrey. What gives?
8:53 pm - I don't know who Michaela Conlin from "Bones" is, but she does not seem very excited about the switch to digital cable.
8:56 pm - Emily Wynne-Hughes is doing a last-minute song switcheroo for some reason. Instead of singing "I've Put A Spell on You" she's singing some tuneless No Doubt song. And, oddly enough, a girl who was very confident going into her audition is now filled with doubt.
8:58 pm - Some crazy blonde lady is begging on stage after getting booted. Do you think she'll show her grandkids one day?
9:00 pm - Still no sign of Megan Corkrey. Unless I blinked and missed her. I assume she's still in the running? I imagine we'll see her in tomorrow night's "infamous" group number episode, where the meltdowns truly begin. Can't wait!
So, tonight was a little underwhelming. The people I liked I still like, and the people I can't stand, I still can't stand. (If Bikini Girl makes it to Top 36, I might have to quit. Seriously.)
But what did you think, readers? Were you bummed you didn't see your favorites perform tonight? Do you think "Idol" keeps people hidden on purpose? Who do you think will be the biggest troublemaker in tomorrow night's Group Performance episode? My money's on Blind Guy. That guy seems like a real jerk. (Kidding!) Hit me up in the comments. Tomorrow night I'll shout out my fave.