Resident "American Idol" expert Jim Cantiello brings you a minute-by-minute recap of every episode right here! Keep checking for updates throughout the show, and don't miss out on his previous live blogs and other "Idol" news.
"American Idol" semi-finals are here! And as an "Idol" fanatic and live-blogger, I couldn't be happier. This is the time we learn what the contestants are all about, separate from the producers grubby hands manipulating their audition backstories. I live for the semi-finals, because for every great Jason Castro break-out, there are 4 Nicole Tranquillo hot messes.
It's Christmas in February, folks, and to extend the metaphor, Joanna Pacitti is the one Jewish kid in town. Sorry you were qualified last week, Joanna! The sun'll come out tomorrow. Oops, bad choice.
Before we get to tonight's live-blog, big shout out to MTV.COM user kitgyrl who made me chuckle last week during the "Judge's Mansion" ridiculousness by writing, "In Texas when we tell someone 'You're through,' [it means] your're done...finished...kaput...So, when they say this on the show, it confuses me." Kitgyrl, this show confuses me, too. But for different reasons. Namely, Tatiana.
So let's sit back and take in the TRUE beginning of "Idol: Season 8." (And if the "Idol" Song Spoilers are to be believed, we're in for a lot of insanity.) On with the blogging!
7:55 pm - Fox just aired an "Idol" promo for tonight's episode that was just one "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" away from a monster truck rally ad. Classy!
7:59 pm - I'm so ridiculously excited right now! Despite a trainwreck kick off to "Idol's" eighth season, the show still has me hooked, dangit!
8:00 pm - The first group of 12 are standing on the steps like the Brady Bunch. And Tatiana is nodding her head like a bobble head. Let's hope America plays Sam The Butcher and cuts that mess from our show! Boo!
8:01 pm - Seacrest says the judging panel looks like "The View." So...let's see. Randy is Sherri Shephard, Kara is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Paula is Babs and Simon is totes Joy Behar. (I love that woman. Joy Behar, come on MTV Detox!)
8:03 pm - Ok...give me a moment to transcribe Paula's advice to the contestants. "You know what? This is all your dream, right? You gotta hit that center stage and make magic happen in a minute twenty seconds, and if you don't? Look to the right, look to the left, whoever's better, you're gonna go home! It's a tough...tough...kind of a season this year." How is all that gonna fit on a charm bracelet, Paula?
8:04 pm - Time to introduce the contestants. Or, time for the contestants to make silly faces and hand gestures as they run towards the camera.
8:04 pm - Winner of best hand gesture goes to: Stephen Fowler. To the left, to the left! Worst hand gesture goes to all the contestants who did a double-handed wave. Note to future "Idol" contestants: just wave with one hand. When you do the whole open palmed two-handed grab move, it looks like you're feeling up Casper.
8:05 pm - Jackie Tohn is up first! She's 28 going on 60. The shoulder pads she's rocking in the pre-performance interview package are straight outta Paula's Forever Your Girl Tour wardrobe. She's rocking out to "A Little Less Conversation."
8:06 pm - Oooh, I like it! Funky and weird and funky. But her "Katy Perry at Jazzercize class in 40 years" garb is a little much. Ick, and she's getting a little tone deaf. Or shall I say Tohn Deaf?
8:07 pm - Randy Jackson: "I like the trousers." Jackie Tohn: "And the trousers like you." LOL!
8:08 pm - Uh oh. Jackie needs to stop talking about her trousers. Too much. Too much.
8:09 pm - Simon doesn't like that she "played the clown" tonight. Why would she think that "Idol" rewards clowns? (A-hem, Tatiana and Nick.)
8:10 pm - The Tohn family LOVES shiny clothing.
8:11 pm - Jackie's dad just called her "mama." What's the opposite of Oedipal?
8:15 pm - Our first "Coke Real Moment!" Ricky Braddy is talking about how boring it is to be a Chicken Nugget Cooker. I believe him.
8:17 pm - He's singing Elliott Yamin's "A Song For You" (I mean, Leon Russell) and it's almost as boring as cooking chicken nuggets. He can sing well, but this is not the way to get votes in episode one. This is so lounge lizard.
8:19 pm - Standing ovation from Paula Abdul! And accolades from all the judges. Kara DioGuardi doesn't know how to use a microphone. No need to shout in that thing, girl! My poor TV speakers! Simon brings Ricky back to Earth. "No star quality." I have to agree. Sorry Braddy!
8:21 pm - Speaking of microphones, poor Ricky's lav mic isn't working in his post-performance interview. But his self-promoting mom's mic is working like gangbusters. "Braddybunch.com!" That woman is so getting yelled at during the commercial.
8:25 pm - Alexis Grace "dirtied" her look up for the show. She looks like a punky twelve year old, and she's singing "Never Loved A Man" by Aretha Franklin.
8:27 pm - The hair stylists have matted her hair down into a weird Judge Judy number. She's singing the hell out of the song! Where was THIS hiding? Although her lower register makes her sound like an ailing buffalo.
8:29 pm - Paula is wearing an unhealthy amount of costume jewelry.
8:31 pm - Simon called her the best so far and compared her to Kelly Clarkson. Wow!
8:31 pm - Aw, her dad looks like a nice old hippy. But couldn't he have dressed up just a LITTLE for the occasion?
8:36 pm - Fox hearts cranky middle-aged British men. Think about it, almost all their shows feature a cantankerous Brit! Tim Roth, Hugh Laurie, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsey!
8:37 pm - Um! Tape problem! Amazing! Live TV, kids! I thought that only happened on "Video Music Awards Pre-Shows!"
8:38 pm - Brent Keith is hicking out to "Hick Town." He looks like he's trying too hard, no?
8:40 pm - Woah! The microphone looks so shiny!
8:41 pm - Kara wishes he took more risks. I do, too. I predicted that this guy would win this season, and he just blew it. Unless Kristy Lee fans dial like mad.
8:43 pm - Brent is defending his choice. That's the kind of artist he wants to be, guys! Forget soul, he wants to sing about football and tractor pulls. To each his own.
8:45 pm - Soooo, the "Idol" spoilers I saw were fake, which is a real shame because I was looking forward to seeing Tatiana sing "These Boots Were Made For Walking.'"
8:47 pm - Stevie Wright was 9 years old when "Idol" began. I feel ancient! She's going to sing "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift.
8:49 pm - Oy! Rough beginning!
8:49 pm - Oy! Rough middle!
8:50 pm - Oy! Rough ending!
8:50 pm - What a shame! She looks like she's having a blast, but she sounds more out-of-breath than John Goodman on a treadmill.
8:53 pm - Jackie Tohn just grabbed Stevie's mom and said "I love you!" I think Jackie's been taking lessons from Tatiana on how to get undeserved screen time.
8:54 pm - Anoop Desai is singing Monica's "Angel of Mine." He's not as good as I hoped he would be. This song brings me back to tenth grade, kids. Janet Jackson sounds like she's singing backup. I know her career wasn't going so well, but to take a gig singing backup on "Idol?" Tragic!
8:57 pm - Who knew Monica was so hard to sing?
8:58 pm - Simon thinks the song was too grown up for the 22-year old Anoop. Because you know, Monica was like 49 years old when she recorded that song. Come on, Simon!
8:59 pm - Anoop's parents win the cutest parents award so far. Just wish we got to hear from them!
9:00 pm - Man, these red room segments are a disaster. The contestants awkwardly hug each other. Seacrest starts interviewing the family early. The singers then hug their parents with their backs to the camera. Jackie Tohn is hopping around the room like an idiot. They need to figure this out by next week or else!
9:03 pm - We're an hour in to the show and I haven't fallen in love yet. Alexis Grace is in the lead...
9:04 pm - Casey Carlson makes bubble tea for a living. She is cute cute cute! She should be in the Pussycat Dolls.
9:05 pm - Eek, she's singing The Police's "Every Little Thing (S)He Does Is Magic" like a drunken stripper. So...she should be in the Pussycat Dolls! Every little thing she does with her face and her voice while she sings is tragic! Yowza!
9:07 pm - Kara is trying not to laugh. OMG and when she said it fell flat, Casey looked down at her chest.
9:09 pm - Wow, Paula told her to "watch the pulling of the faces and the winking..." Talk about pot calling the kettle black!
9:10 pm - Casey's mom, Tony winner Mercedes Ruehl, is trying to over-compensate. "You rocked!"
9:12 pm - Commercial break question: Does anyone actually believe that Kelly Ripa does her own laundry?
9:14 pm - I'm sorry, but the kid who lets people draw on him in the "don't smoke weed" commercial looks like he's having a lot of fun. Just sayin'.
9:16 pm - Michael "Rough Neck" Sarver is singing Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Wanna Be." And he's singing it like a fat black woman. Werrrk!
9:17 pm - Spotted: Ted Danson in the audience singing along. Surreal!
9:18 pm - The judges say, "Meh." Paula didn't like how he tossed the microphone back and forth between his hands. Does this prove that she's easily distracted by shiny objects?
9:21 pm - Uh oh. Anne Marie Boskovich's singing "Natural Woman" angrily. Great last note!
9:24 pm - Ted Danson loves her! But Randy doesn't. And he mis-credited the song to Aretha Franklin. (Um, Carole King wrote it, dude.)
9:25 pm - Yeouch! Anne dissed Sara Bareilles's "Love Song." She just lost Sara's vote. Maybe next week she'll curse out Yael Naim. Fingers crossed!
9:25 pm - Simon used the "hotel singer" analogy on her. Oof.
9:27 pm - Speaking of Single White Female...Anne is totally obsessed with Kara. And she looks just like her! And so does her sister. Is the whole Boskovich clan DioGuardi-obsessed?
9:28 pm - We need to think of a name for Kara DioGuardi fans. DioGuardi-heads? DioGuardDogs? Dio...I give up.
9:32 pm - Stephen Fowler will not forget the lyrics to "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson.
9:33 pm - Eek - this karaoke arrangement is terrible!
9:34 pm - He has potential, but this is depressing.
9:35 pm - Paula Abdul: "Singing 'Rock With You' is the kiss of death!" WOW!
9:37 pm - Oh noes! And he doesn't even have family there. Forget Paula's assessment. Having your wife say, "Nah, I'm not gonna come to 'Idol' tonight" is the kiss of death. Just give up, dude. If your wife can't muster up the energy to support you on live TV, then why the hell should America want to support you?
9:39 pm - I would rather watch "Madea Goes To The Electric Chair."
9:41 pm - I'm really not feeling these arrangements. Remember Season One, when the contestants just had piano accompaniment in the semi-finals? I'd much prefer that to these karaoke tracks. Boo!
9:42 pm - Only two more singers, but eighteen minutes. Say what?
9:42 pm - Tatiana Del Toro is a new woman. She (almost) seems normal!
9:43 pm - I am not breathing. "Saving All My Love For You." This is tense! She's actually pretty great!
9:44 pm - I hate to say it guys, she was worthy of the Top 36. And Randy seems genuinely surprised that she was decent.
9:47 pm - Simon calls her out for wanting to be famous. And then says, "You were much better than I expected." Question...if all the judges thought she was going to be bad, then why did she make it to the Top 36? Ohhh, I see. They're egging her on to make that weird giggle sound. That's why she made it. This is so high school. I HATE THIS!
9:49 pm - Um...so there's apparently a "psychic friend" story with Tatiana, and Seacrest told America to vote for her if they wanted to hear it next time. That seems fishy, but not as fishy as Tatiana's caress of Seacrest's shoulder as he read her phone number.
9:52 pm - INSANE. Who woulda thunk that everyone would choke and that Tatiana would be a frontrunner tonight? My mind is blown. Also: you know you're crazy when Paula tells you on national television that you're crazy.
9:54 pm - Danny Gokey is last but not least. He mentioned his dead wife for the 900th time this season.
9:55 pm - Danny is singing "Hero" by Mimi. Is he wearing the same shirt as Michael Sarver? Oh, he's good. Mary Steenburgen is swooning. All the contestants are bopping their heads, except Anoop who looks crushed that he lost his spot in the Top 12.
9:57 pm - The judges are thrilled that there's at least one talented person in this first group. Simon says, "I like you...I'm just not buying the hype." Reason 4234 Why I Love Simon Cowell.
9:58 pm - Groan. Seacrest just asked Gokey, "What images did you have in your head when you were singing that?" Thankfully, Gokey didn't exhume his wife again. Let her rest in peace, dude. Let's win this thing on your talent and not your sob story. Thank you.
9:59 pm - Phone number montage! Brent sounds better than I remember, Stevie Wright sounds worse. And then there's Casey "I'm A Gonna Add A A Bunch A Of Extra A Syllables A In This A Song A" Carlson.
10:01 pm - And that's a wrap! Yes, this was a bad start, but think about it. Danny was solid, Alexis was impressive and Anoop was kinda okay. I wouldn't mind them making it to the next round.
10:03 pm - Okay, I have to go. Fox 5 in NY is reporting on some story where a domesticated chimp attacked a lady in Connecticut. THIS IS NUTS!! The owner just said, "He didn't have anything but love until this freak accident. He was my life. Everybody knows it. I cooked for him, I shopped for him, I lived with him, I SLEPT WITH HIM." AHHHHH!!!
Sorry, back to the task at hand... So, what did you guys think of the "Idol" Semi-Final kickoffs? Was Tatianna better than you expected? Were you bummed that so many contestants choked? And what did you think of Kara in her first live episode??
Hit me up in the comments. My favorite one will get a shout-out in next week's blog. I won't be live-blogging the results show. Nope, I'll be too busy prepping this week's "Idol in 60 Seconds." That's right, friends, my video recaps are returning this week! Make sure you check out my colleague James Montgomery's results show article and my "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap Thursday morning. Thanks for watching with me!