Hayley Williams might just be the best girlfriend ever. That’s because, over the weekend, the fire-haired Paramore frontwoman got her boyfriend — New Found Glory guitarist Chad Gilbert — and his entire band custom-made Snuggies in celebration of their new album, Not Without a Fight. That’s love. For real.
And while the NFG Snuggies are pretty great (we dig airbrushing in any form), we couldn’t help but think that perhaps Hayley left a lot on the table with this one. After all, at this point, Snuggies are positively passé. YouTube is crawling with parodies of the low-budget “blanket with sleeves” commercial. Bill Maher did a “New Rules” spot on them. And last week, Jimmy Fallon swathed his entire audience (and Tracy Morgan) in Snuggies for a bit on “Late Night.” Enough, we dare say, is enough.
See, there are plenty of other “as seen on TV” products Hayley could have gotten for her beloved instead of a Snuggie. So if she’s looking for another gift idea (or if Gilbert would like to return the favor when Paramore finish their new album), we’ve compiled some of the best below.
The ShamWow: A bastardized version of the chamois your dad used to dry his Pontiac, as pitched by a skeezy guy named Vince. The ShamWow’s biggest claim to fame is that it can hold “12 times its weight in liquid,” which makes it the perfect gift for cleaning up the mess left behind by those boozy backstage blowouts, or whenever NFG drummer Cyrus Bolooki spontaneously combusts.
Hercules Hook Hanging Wall Innovation: A really long name for really strong hooks — a key to any successful rock album — made famous by bearded pitchman Billy Mays. Apparently, the Herc Hooks are so strong they can hold “up to 150 pounds” and are so easy “you can hang an entire family picture gallery in no time,” the latter of which will certainly help people remember the other dudes in Williams’ and Gilbert’s respective bands.
The Showtime Rotisserie: The rotating grill hawked by the godfather of TV pitchmen, Ron Popeil, Showtime allows you to “set it and forget it,” which means Williams can prep a slab of ribs in the dressing room before a big show and enjoy fall-off-the-bone BBQ the minute she steps off the stage. This is important — trust us.
The Peticure Grooming Tool: A high-tech sorta-roto-file thingy that claims to offer the painless and easy way to care for your pets’ nails. This would be great, provided either Williams or Gilbert even have pets. If not, then perhaps Williams could use the Peticure to file her own nails, or maybe take on NFG frontman Jordan Pundik’s toenails. Those things are out of hand at this point.
Giuseppe Franco’s ProCede: If Williams or Gilbert is a Mets fan, well, then chances are they’re already familiar with Giuseppe Franco’s miracle treatment for thinning hair (since it aired roughly 3,897 times during games last season). But if they’re not, well, then this is the perfect gift for either of them — or NFG guitarist Steve Klein, since he’s gone a little short on top. Gary Busey swears by the product (honest), and as the majestically maned Giuseppe himself says in the ProCede spot: “Hey, I’m Giuseppe Franco. I’m not putting my name on the line for something that doesn’t work.” Good enough for us.