We’re Live-Blogging The Top Eight ‘American Idol’ Performances!

Jim Cantiello

Sit back, relax and prepare to feel really flipping ancient, because it’s “Sing A Song From The Year You Were Born” night on “American Idol.”

Before the “Idol” live-blog begins, I’d like to take a moment and acknowledge how depressing it is that I am older than all but one “Idol” contestant this year. (Never thought I’d say it but thank God for Gokey.) It felt weird when I surpassed “The Real World” casts, it definitely flipped me out when I realized that I’m old enough to be Taylor Swift’s dad (if I was a twelve year old stud who practiced unsafe sex). And now the only reality show where the contestants are in my age range features ballroom dancing and washed up has-beens. Hell, even Kim from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” could have gone to my prom. I’ve got one foot in the grave, don’t I? Before I know it I’ll be watching “The Mentalist” and that 10pm Leno show.

Luckily I have you all to cheer me up, and last week you did not disappoint. MTV.COM user Porgadew had me giggling when he/she said, “Does anyone else worry that at some point before the season’s over, Dunkleman’s gonna push Seacrest down those stairs? I know it’s very unlikely and very ‘Showgirls,’ but I just worry about these things.” Amazing, Porgadew. Again, I feel old for laughing at a “Showgirls” reference since that movie was released just 2 years after Allison Iraheta was, but perhaps I’m just sensitive to the fact that it’s my job to appeal to 14-22 year olds.

So let’s contemplate the meaning of life and bitch about song choice together, shall we? Ready, aim, live-blog!

7:55 pm – Did you miss Megan Joy’s caw-tastic farewell last week? Catch up with my latest “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap!

7:57 pm – And after you’re done watching that, check out my colleague Gil Kaufman’s article, where he suggests songs for the “Idols” to sing. He thinks Gokey should do Gary Numan’s “Cars.” Weeeird. (I also did a video companion piece to go along with the article. Are you hungry for ham?)

8:01 pm – It’s “Idol” time! Seacrest and the judges did not come out at the top of the show. There’s an angry dude in a suit sitting in the audience. I wonder if he’s the voice-of-God announcer who’s now out of a job. (I doubt it. It seems too planted. I bet he’s a tie-in to a Fox show. Do they have a sitcom coming out called “Jerks In Suits?”)

8:02 pm – Yay! I forgot that tonight’s theme also means we’ll see baby photos. (I am not looking forward to seeing Scott’s.) This year, Seacrest has baby photos of the judges, too. Paula and Simon cheated, though. They’re like 8 in their photos. I guess photography hadn’t been invented back when they were infants.

8:03 pm – Rob Dyrdek’s in the audience! What’s happening, my MTV brother?

8:04 pm – Baby Danny Gokey looks exactly like Current Danny Gokey. Daddy Gokey, however, looks nothing like Danny Gokey. I wonder what the milkman looked like in Milwaukee.

8:05 pm – Um…speaking of cheating, Danny Gokey is singing “Stand By Me.” Was he born in 1961? The fact that Mickey Gilley covered it in 1980 is irrelevant. I am boycotting this.

8:06 pm – Remember when the Gokester made fun of Matt in last week’s results show for sounding like a sheep? Danny Gokey, meet karma.

8:06 pm – The last 15 seconds were passable. And I like his outfit. Other than that? It was flatter than an Olsen Twin.

8:08 pm – The judges are, predictably, gushing over Gokey. Even Simon spun his nasty critique into a positive. “The beginning was good, I thought the middle was lazy and the ending was terrific, so overall great.”

8:13 pm – Real Coke Moment with Kris Allen. He’s telling a story about how he recently rode a ferris wheel at a beach (say what?) and the “instructor” told him to say hi to Adam for him. Don’t be offended, Kris. I hear Adam’s into carnies.

8:14 pm – Kris wanted to be a taxi driver when he was younger. You talkin’ to me, Kris? You talkin’ to me?

8:15 pm – Kris Allen’s choice from 1985? Don Henley’s “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.” All I want to do is go to bed. Yawn!

8:16 pm – Kara called his performance “jazz funk homework.” Paula liked that he took a “melodically same notes song” and changed it up. Oookay. Simon called it “indulgent, boring, forgettable.” I didn’t hear what Randy said because I was too distracted by the dude with the shiny bright white teeth behind him. And is that Sara Gilbert behind him, too? Sigh, it’s sad that I’m more excited by the audience members in the background, isn’t it?

8:19 pm – Lil is named after her grandma, Lilly. That’s adorable! I like her even more now.

8:19 pm – OMG and she’s singing “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” I love her even MORE now!

8:20 pm – Hmmm, but why is she wearing Tina’s Mad Max makeup? That was a different album, Lil.

8:20 pm – This performance is a second-hand karaoke rendition. “I’ve been thinking of a new direction.” Yep, and that direction is “home.” Oh no, Lil!

8:22 pm – Uh oh, Paula Abdul starts with, “You look very hot tonight.” Paula hated it.

8:23 pm – Quick. Someone grab Lil’s baby and prop her up on stage. She needs the votes!!!!

8:24 pm – Make this stop! I can’t remember a last time the judges were so hard on a contestant.

8:25 pm – Does it get any more adorable than Lil Rounds’ accent? Lil, if you get voted off, I’ll hire you to do all my outgoing voicemail messages.

8:30 pm – Anoop’s spending his Coke Real Moment apologizing for being a douche last week.

8:31 pm – Yay! Anoop’s parents got some screen time! They should get their own spinoff show.

8:31 pm – Anoop’s singing “True Colors” beautifully. Him on a stool with a guitar and strings accompaniment. So pretty!!! My true colors are slowly showing…and I might just be an Anoop fan after all!

8:32 pm – Ack, Rickey Minor and the Dentist Drills kicked in, and it’s a total Star 99.9 Phil Collins cover version arrangement now. No no no! NO! NO! NO!!!

8:33 pm – Wow, from a wonderful massage to a root canal in just two measures of music.

8:34 pm – The judges approve of gentle Anoop, except Simon is telling Anoop not to apologize for being a jerk in the future. Obviously Simon thinks that.

8:35 pm – Seacrest just made a “happy ending” comment. Was he thinking about massages, too?

8:39 pm – Wait a second, is that Channing Tatum movie literally called “Fighting?” That title was 100% focus grouped. Could it get any more generic? I hear that same movie producer has a musical in the works called “Singing,” and a tearjerker in the works called “Crying.” Interestingly enough, he has a horror movie in the works called, “Seacrest.” What’s that about?

8:40 pm – HOT MOM ALERT! Scott’s mom is super hot! How is she only 4 years older than Scott?

8:41 pm – Scott’s doing Survivor’s “The Search Is Over.” He’s playing a guitar! This is totally appropriate! He is an “Idol” survivor. And I have to say, this might be my favorite Scott MacIntyre performance.

8:42 pm – Kara is dissing the Blind Guy for the first time.

8:43 pm – AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Paula Abdul has lipstick on her teeth. Her transformation into Big Edie Beale is 99% complete.

8:44 pm – Simon wasn’t feeling it either. He hated the guitar. (Paula said she’d prefer an acoustic, and Scott quipped, “It’s my punk side coming out!” HA!) I liked this Scott performance! What does that say about me?

8:45 pm – Scott MacIntyre just admitted that he’s “versatile.” Gay men across America just threw up in their mouth.

8:46 pm – Allison was born in 1992. You know what song came out in ’92? VIBEOLOGY!! Do it, Allison. Do it!!

8:46 pm – Hmm, instead she’s picking Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Kimberley Locke had a big week in Season 2 with this track, and I still have that performance on my iPod. You better bring it, Allison!

8:47 pm – Allison is cooing “Turn down the lights, turn down the bed…” I feel like Chris Hansen is going to bust through the door any minute.

8:47 pm – She sang it flawlessly, but is anyone else totally confounded that a 16 year old is singing this song? It is so icky!!!

8:48 pm – Paula: “You know what’s so great about having you in this competition? You just hear one note and it’s undeniably Allison.” Um…one could have said the same thing about Megan “Caw” Joy.

8:49 pm – I. Hate. Simon. Cowell. After an awesome vocal, Simon spends 3 seconds praising her vocals and the rest of his time dissing her lack of a personality. DOHHHHH!!!!

8:50 pm – And I’m starting to like Kara. Only because she gave the girl props. “To take adult content like what’s in this song and make it believable and young like you did today, that’s talent!” I have to agree with her. I also need to go back and re-watch her performance because I was so off-put by the juxtaposition. It’s like if you heard a 6 year old singing a Pussycat Dolls song. Or this.

8:55 pm – Yikes! Matt G is doing “Part Time Lover,” which killed Chicken Little in Season Five. It’s much better than that, but the smooth jazz arrangement is making me gag a little.

8:56 pm – Okay, I’ll give it to him. His vocals are on point.

8:57 pm – The judges have all but 2 seconds to give him praise. But boy, did they love him. I’m happy for Giraud and the Giraud Squad. (Cute name, fan club!)

8:58 pm – Gasp! I forgot we still had Adam Lambert to look forward to / dread, depending on what side of the fence you live on.

9:02 pm – Oh. My. RuPaul. Adam Lambert loved playing dress up as a kid.

9:03 pm – My co-worker, Monty, wins a bet. Since day one, he’s been talking about how he knew Lambert was really a redhead with freckles. You win, Monty! HA!

9:03 pm – Adam Lambert is going all “Donnie Darko” on us, singing Tears for Fears “Mad World,” but using the Gary Jules arrangement. The good news: it’s “restrained” Adam, so my ears aren’t bleeding. The bad news: it looks like he’s sitting on a toilet on stage. What the…?

9:04 pm – CHILLS! CHILLS!!!

9:05 pm – Pity that anyone who Tivo’d this show is going to miss his performance thanks to “Idol” going over. Not fair. Not fair at all. That was stellar, save for a bum last note. Simon gave him a standing O. I’m a Glambert again! Go Adam!! That was amazing!!!

9:06 pm – This phone number montage is awful. Danny? Boo. Kris? Snooze. Lil? Nutbush City Boo. Anoop? Good. Scott? Not awful…except they showed his screechy high note. Ouch! And then it gets good. Allison: yay! Matt: yay! Adam: hip hip hooray!

But I wanna know what you think! Did a DVR screw your life up? Raise your hand if you’re gonna have to watch Adam’s performance at Rickey.org or mjsbigblog.com instead of your TV! Did Adam Lambert blow your mind? How did you feel about a 16 year old tackling such a mature song? Was Scott with a guitar and upgrade or a downgrade? And lastly, what profession do you suggest Paula Abdul’s recently-fired makeup artist take up now that he/she’s out of a job?

Hit me up in the comments. Instead of a shout-out in next week’s blog, my favorite commenter of the night will get immortalized in a t-shirt! Yep, whoever cracks me up the most will get a big fat T-shirt shout-out in Thursday morning’s “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap. The stakes just got higher, friends!!

Thanks for watching and reading. Maaaad worrrrllllld.