We’re Live-Blogging The Top Seven (Again) ‘American Idol’ Performances!

Jim Cantiello

Old people, rejoice! “American Idol” is taking us back to the good ol’ days of bellbottoms and key parties and dinosaurs. It’s DISCO NIGHT on “American Idol” and I’ll be live-blogging every groovy second of it.

MTV News’ disappointment in “Idol” selecting a genre that’s as dated as Paula Abdul’s pop culture debut is well-documented. But it’s no fun if all we do is complain so let’s look at the bright side of tonight’s (Absurd! Heinous! Disastrous! Pointless! Obsolete! Despicable! God-awful!) theme.

First of all, Paula will be choreographing the group number in tomorrow night’s results show. I don’t recall Paula ever doing The Hustle with MC Skat Cat, so I’m not entirely sure why she chose disco week to jump back on the choreography horse, but hell, I’m still excited for it.

Second of all, Lil Rounds might actually choose a good song for her voice! Who am I kidding? She’s going to pick Bette Midler’s disco version of “Strangers in the Night” just to prove that deep down inside she’s really a sassy white woman with an affinity for bad wigs.

Lastly, disco night will force the contestants to pick uptempo tracks. Last week’s movie night was a non-stop barrage of ballads. And, thankfully, Bryan Adams has never released a disco tune. Oh crap, I’m just remembering that he did do disco when he was 19 years old. (If someone sings “Let Me Take You Dancing” I might have to stab myself.)

There I go with the negativity again.

Before I threaten self-mutilation again, let’s get to the live-blogging.

7:50 pm – Missed last week’s “shocking” use of the Judges’ Save? Catch up real quick with the latest “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap.

7:53 pm – 7 minutes to go. Don’t mind me. I’m bidding on Adam Lambert crap that wackadoodles are selling on Ebay. This floor mat might be my favorite, not only because of the grammatical error but also because something tells me ONLY boys would be allowed in Adam’s room.

8:00 pm – The show is opening with a crazy intense super-tease that feels like it belongs on “Survivor.” My heart is racing. The Judges’ Save was “Idol history,” according to history. Yeah, it was historically stupid. We all know Matt is going home again this week.

8:01 pm – Vince Neil is in the audience! He loves the Judges’ Save! I also imagine he’s a fan of Adam Lambert’s voice-work, since Lambert is ripping off hair metal vocalists every week.

8:02 pm – So, this is odd. Even though last week’s show ran crazy long, and even though we still have seven singers, the show is still going to be an hour long.

8:03 pm – Interesting! They cut the pre-performance interview taped pieces. Good call producers!

8:03 pm – Also, they’re having Lil Rounds kick off the show, which means she’ll probably get kicked off tomorrow. Good call producers!

8:04 pm – Lil Rounds is singing Chaka Kahn’s “I’m Every Woman.” I have two things to say. 1) Her skin-tight catsuit makes it look like she is hiding every single woman in her pants. Baby got back. And 2) She may be every woman, but her hairy armpits make her more like every man. Wow. Doesn’t she know that hairy pits ruined Paula Cole’s career 10+ years ago?

8:05 pm – Lil’s vocals were a’ight tonight…for a cruise ship.

8:06 pm – Oh no! Randy hated it. The beating continues. This is so unpleasant!!

8:07 pm – Kara is a B!! “Lil, I think all of America including me has been waiting for you to sing Chaka Kahn or an artist like that.” Pause for applause. “But I’m not sure, honey, it was worth the wait. I gotta tell you.” And then she really goes for the jugular. “The things is, you’ve been every woman on that stage. Every woman but yourself.” SNAP!!! It’s like a Tyler Perry movie up in here!

8:07 pm – Paula Abdul didn’t like it either, but she’s giving her props for a miraculous recovery. Apparently yesterday, Lil was on vocal rest. Oh, honey. You should have rested your voice again tonight.

8:07 pm – Oh lord. And now Lil Rounds is talking back to the judges. Lil Rounds has a Big Mouth.

8:08 pm – Simon said she’s going home.

8:08 pm – Ryan’s giving her a chance to talk back to the judges. But Ryan, she did that already! NO!!!

8:13 pm – Kris Allen is going to sing Donna Summer’s “She Worked Hard For The Money.” Say what?!!

8:13 pm – Ryan Seacrest has Anoop’s Sweaty Lip Syndrome. “Idol” in HD is disturbing, kids.

8:14 pm – Huh, imagine the Doobie Brothers “Long Train Running” guitar riff, and now imagine Jason Mraz singing Donna Summer. Interesting. Way to go, Kris Allen. That was funky!

8:16 pm – “A lot of women are known to shop in the men’s department, but there aren’t many men who are willing to shop in the women’s.” Guess which judge said that. I’ll give you a hint. Her name rhymes with Hawla Abdrool.

8:17 pm – Simon loves Kris Allen. Cowell: “Whether you buy or like women’s underwear, I don’t care.” Randy loves copying Simon. Jackson: “I don’t care what you buy…” Sigh, Randy.

8:18 pm – Woah! Ryan Seacrest is about 40 shades tanner than Kris Allen. Hey Seacrest, lay off the Oompa Loompa in a Bottle. That stuff can’t be good for your skin.

8:22 pm – Danny Gokey is singing Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September.” He opened his performance by passing a kidney stone on stage. “GAHHHHHHHH!”

8:23 pm – Things aren’t looking promising for tomorrow night’s group number. Paula Abdul is clapping off beat.

8:24 pm – Danny Gokey is performing right next to the background singers again. I think in his past life, he was a Ronette.

8:24 pm – Karaoke at its worst. I still don’t get this Gokey character. Admit it, fans. If he didn’t have the sob story, he’d be gone already. True/false.

8:25 pm – Kara is praising Danny’s perfect pitch. And I am busy craving wine to go with the cheese that was just displayed on screen.

8:27 pm – Cowell just dissed Danny for being “clumsy” on stage. It’s a miracle!

8:28 pm – Allison Iraheta is doing Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff?” Oh no!

8:28 pm – Luckily, she’s completely rearranged it. It’s a downtempo rock march. Work it!

8:28 pm – This is interesting. I liked the beginning when it was soft and quiet. I am really turning into my grandparents. “I don’t like all that loud rock ruckus!” But her vocals were on fire!! Not my fave Allison performance, but hopefully solid enough to get people to (rock the) vote for her. At least we know she has Miley Cyrus’ vote. Also, points for her using the moveable stairs set piece at the beginning of the performance. How dynamic!

8:30 pm – Randy Jackson continues to be on my sh** list. “For me, personally, I didn’t love the arrangement. It was a little over-indulgent for me.” Eff you, buddy. Couldn’t one argue that Kris’ bongos and coffeehouse arrangement was more indulgent? At least Randy gave her killer pipes a shout-out.

8:30 pm – Kara didn’t like the arrangement, either. You know what I don’t like, Kara? Fuschia. And you’re wearing a LOT of it tonight.

8:31 pm – Simon thought Allison was brilliant. YAY!!! THE ROCKER WILL SURVIVE!!!

8:32 pm – You know you’re addicted to self-tanner when….you are darker than the Latina girl on “Idol.”

8:32 pm – Coming up, after the break, Adam Lambert, provided he doesn’t get mauled to death by the 45 year old crazy stalker lady standing right next to him. Creepy!

8:36 pm – A very dapper Adam Lambert is putting his “own spin” on Yvonne Elliman’s “If I Can’t Have You.” And his “own spin” sounds an awful lot like what Scott MacIntyre’s spin would have been. This is adult contemporary at it’s boringest. Sorry Glamberts.

8:38 pm – Paula Abdul is crying. I guess she connected on an emotional level with his emotional level. Paula just gave him a standing ovation and pointed to heaven. I think Paula is confusing Adam Lambert with Danny Gokey.

8:39 pm – Randy says, “You are ready right now!” Come on, Randy. THAT was over-indulgent. I wasn’t feeling that at all. And I heard some pitchy notes from him, which is a first.

8:39 pm – Kara just referred to “Saturday Night Fever” as “Saturday Night Live.” And a few weeks ago she incorrectly referred to “Studio 57.” So not only is she bad at basic math skills, and being a judge on “Idol,” but she’s also really bad at recalling 70′s pop culture. If she ever met Bea Arthur, she’d probably be all “I loved your old show, Mauve!”

8:40 pm – Paula is having a meltdown. “I felt your pain, I felt like your vulnerability and it was beautiful. It was as if you tore your heart out and left it on the stage. You’re fascinating, you’re brilliant, and you will be in the finals.”

8:40 pm – Simon loved it, too. Am I wrong? I really thought that was a mess.

8:41 pm – Matt Giraud is up next, and he’s doing “Staying Alive.” Groan. Double-groan for it being a wink to his situation on the show.

8:46 pm – I have FINALLY figured out Matt Giraud. Tonight he’s doing Robin Thicke’s schtick, but he sounds like the lead singer of Live. Seriously! If Ed Kowalczyk fronted a neo-soul revival band instead of a vaguely Christian alt-rock outfit, he’d be Matt Giraud.

8:48 pm – I like this funky arrangement. It’s fun. But Matt still seems desperate to me. And that last note was as bad as the movie “Stayin’ Alive.”

8:48 pm – Randy hated the song, he hated the arrangement, but he loves that Matt can sing. Thank you for that Randy.

8:49 pm – Paula said something about bowling.

8:49 pm – Simon Cowell is keeping it real. And he just used the word “desperate.” Exhibit Z why I could replace Simon should he not re-up his contract.

8:52 pm – Kudos to “Idol” for staying on schedule tonight! We just have Anoop left. He grew some facial hair for the performance. I think he’s catering to his #1 fan, Rickey at Rickey.org. He heard how happy Rickey was when Kris went scurffy, so he’s following Kris’ lead. I hope there are no bongos on stage again.

8:53 pm – “GLEE!!!!” CANNOT WAIT!!!!! Looks like the fiction version of “Taking the Stage,” which, if you aren’t watching, you MUST. Not to pimp an MTV show, but trust me. It was my job to recap MTV stuff for 4 months. “Taking the Stage” is a class act. Check it out this Thursday night at 10pm. You won’t be sorry!!

8:54 pm – Scruffy Anoop Desai looks like a villain on “Miami Vice.” Sorry.

8:55 pm – He’s singing about filling a girl up while the lights are off. This is dirty!!

8:55 pm – Barfaroni! Anoop is a-killing me this week. This is really, aggressively bad.

8:56 pm – Anoop just stuck his tongue out after his last note. He knows he just laid an egg on the “Idol” stage.

8:57 pm – And how in the world is his upper lip STILL shiny? You’d think the scruffy beard would absorb that moisture, but nope.

8:57 pm – Randy and Kara are kissing Anoop’s ass. I think Anoop is blackmailing them.

8:58 pm – Thank God for Simon Cowell. “That was your worst performance by a mile.”

8:59 pm – Um, Seacrest just said Anoop had Groucho Marx eyebrows. Way to kick a brother while he’s down. Joe Jonas changed the game for us big eye-browed boys. If someone who will look like George Whipple when they’re 50 is currently a sex symbol, that makes me happy.

9:00 pm – You know you’re addicted to self-tanner when…you’re darker than the Indian contestant on “American Idol.” Now I’m tempted to go back to Lil Rounds’ performance. Seriously Seacrest. You better watch yourself. You’re just one tanning session away from pulling a Ted Danson! INAPPROPRIATE!

9:01 pm – Phone number montage. I take back my comment about Lil’s hairy pits. It must have been a shadow.

So what do we think, “Idol” fans? Which two singers are going to have their “Last Dance” on the results show? (I think Anoop and Lil are goners…) Was anyone else bored to tears by Adam’s super-slow number? Were you happy that disco night wasn’t nearly as cheesy and irrelevant than it could have been? And was it just me, or did Paula’s ring look like small testicles?

Leave a comment below! Tomorrow I have a special t-shirt made already so I can’t promise a t-shirt shout-out to my favorite commenter, but I WILL hang up a big ol’ sign on my bulletin board in the background giving you all the love you deserve for making me smile. (T-shirt shout-outs will resume next week.)

Thanks for reading and watching with me!