We’re Live-Blogging The Top Four ‘American Idol’ Performances!

Jim Cantiello

BREAKING NEWS! LITERALLY! According to “American Idol” blogs TopIdol and MJsBigBlog, there was an insane amount of drama during tonight’s “Idol” dress rehearsal! Exploding sets, falling stage managers! Yowzas! More news to come… We now return you to your regularly scheduled “American Idol” live-blog…

…and then the Pope says, “Poke her? I don’t even know her!” HAHAHA. That was a funny joke.

Before tonight’s Rock-themed “American Idol” live-blog, I want to say three words: I’m proud of you, America!

Yes, even though Simon threw my favorite contestant, Allison, under the bus on last week’s Rat Pack show (and even though I wrote a whole blog predicting her Results Show Demise) you guys rallied around the most underrated contestant of the season and pushed her through to tonight’s Rock-themed “Idol.”

Round of applause.

Tonight will be “Idol’s” most competitive yet. The deadweight is all gone (sorry Matt Giraud fan) and we’re left with four winners. (Yes, this Gokey hater was turned a believer after last week’s “Come Rain or Come Shine.”) And with Paula off the pills, we’re likely to avoid any Jason Castro-type ESP moments this year. Second round of applause for Paula coming clean, both figuratively and literally!

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Lastly, thanks to a bout of inspiration which led to a ripped t-shirt in last week’s 60 Second Recap, I couldn’t properly shout-out last week’s winner of the “Cantiello Comment Contest.” MTV.COM user Robroy had a delicious rant that colorfully compared “Idol’s” stink to that of chicken poop. But it was the second comment that had me totally dying. “I had to look at Kara’s RIGHT ARMPIT AGAIN! Please, please, oh please…sob, sob…pleeeeeeeezzz…stop with the show opening Diguardia PitStop!”

Now that Robroy has mentioned that, you’re never going to be able to look at Kara and NOT stare at her armpit, am I right?

Let’s put this intro down like a sick dog and move on to tonight’s “Idol” live-blogging!

7:37 pm – MJ is reporting that the dress rehearsal for “Idol” has been canceled. Innnteresting. I wonder how that will affect the contestant’s game.

7:39 pm – OMG TopIdol is reporting that Debbie The Stage Manager fell down the stairs and was taken away on a stretcher. And then Ryan came out and the stage started to fall apart. Those scary spinning globes (which TopIdol mentioned in her on-the-scene blog entry from last week) hissed and then exploded. AHH!

7:40 pm – Who here thinks it’s the ghost of Bea Arthur wreaking havoc on “Idol” after hearing that Constantine Maroulis was nominated for a Tony Award this morning? You know that Broadway diva ain’t having any of that!

8:00 pm – And we’re live! The taped teaser is rolling. I guess all the drama was swept up?

8:01 pm – And THIS…is “American Idol!” Okay, round of applause for the clean-up crew. Can’t wait to hear what Seacrest says about the dress rehearsal!

8:02 pm – Holy crap! They’re going into details. The contestants haven’t been able to have a proper run-through!! And the set is broken! And they’re going to do duets tonight! And Seacrest just referred to Randy as “The Staple!” This is so bizarre!

8:03 pm – Who wore it better? (Studded leather jacket edition): Kara DioGuardi or Adam Lambert?

8:04 pm – Slash is our mentor this week. He’s a great vocalist! (Eyeroll.)

8:05 pm – Aww, Slash actually seems nervous to meet the contestants. Either that or he’s detoxing.

8:06 pm – It’s a true night of firsts. Adam Lambert is going first. For the first time ever. And he’s doing a Led Zeppelin song. My mind = officially blown.

8:07 pm – Raise your hand if you’re bopping your head right now. Adam Lambert is KILLING it!! I love Rock Week!!

8:09 pm – Also a first? This performance is like 17 minutes long. And it’s ending with Adam shrieking “Deep inside! Woman! You need it!” Raise your hand if you just did a spit take.

8:10 pm – Randy thinks Adam should do a record with Slash. (Hate to break it to you, Randy. That album already exists. It’s called “Appetite For Destruction.”) Kara thinks Adam should do an album that’s 70′s classic rock, 80′s glam rock, and Nine Inch Nails. And then she had a “When Harry Met Sally…” orgasm. I guess with Matt G gone, she’s set her sights on Adam Lambert. Paula says his “Whole Lotta Love” was a whole lotta perfect. Groan.

8:11 pm – Simon says it was his favorite Lambert performance yet. One problem: “how is anyone gonna top that?” Good question, Cowell. Here’s hoping Danny Gokey is next.

8:12 pm – D’oh! It’s Allison! NOOO!!!

8:15 pm – A promo just promised the most intense “Hell’s Kitchen” finale ever. Maybe they won’t be cooking beef wellington this time? Because that would be SHOCKING!

8:16 pm – Coke moment with Allison underneath the broken “Idol” stage. Allison went to Adam’s hair colorist. She looks adorable.

8:17 pm – Allison is doing Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby.” And I am literally shaking I am so excited.

8:18 pm – She’s doing a great job, but Simon’s right. After Adam’s show-stopping opener, this seems like the second set at a Phish concert. You really just want to go home and go to bed even though their about to do “Bouncing Around The Room” for the next 42 minutes and it’s, like, your favorite song ever.

8:19 pm – Her final riffs were a little flat. Oh no! Randy didn’t love it. Kara says she picked the wrong Janis song, but then gives her personality props. Paula says she should be cast as Janis in a biopic. (She’s the only one left in Hollywood who hasn’t been…yet.) And Simon thinks it was too “sound-alike.”

8:20 pm – ALLISON IS ACTING OUT!! Dear God, my little angel, don’t sass the judges. This is tragic. She’s defending her song choice like she has a chip on her shoulder or a crooked wig on her head (a-hem Lil Rounds.) Simon said she should have done the Queen song she considered, and Allison corrects him. (Bad move.) Apparently, it was between Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love” and Joplin, not Queen. And then Allison directed her venom towards Kara. “Piece of my Heart’s” been done to death on “Idol.” Subtext: any other judge whose been here longer than 12 weeks could have told you that. Allison, nooooo!!!!

8:22 pm – “Well maybe I should keep talking because you say I don’t talk enough.” Simon Cowell: “I would start begging if I were you.” Now I’m shaking…for a different reason.

8:23 pm – Simon just gave her an endorsement. After all that drama, “I like the fact that you’re standing up for yourself.” WHEW!

8:27 pm – We’re back and it’s time for our first duet! The two super-Christian contestants, Kris and Danny, are “rocking out” to “Renegade” by Styx. Who will the Conservatives vote for?!

8:28 pm – Danny Gokey + Rock Night + “Renegade?!” does not compute.

8:29 pm – Kris Allen ain’t so hot, either. This duet is reminding me of a couple of dudes who spent 9 hours practicing a song on Rock Band and then brought down their wives/girlfriends to see how awesome they “nailed it.”

8:30 pm – Eeeep! Kara just said “Renegade” and these boys “doesn’t compute.” Kara, if you’re reading my live-blog right now, stand up and take responsibility for trying to off Paula by breaking the set!

8:31 pm – In the post-performance Seacrest interview, KRIS ALLEN LOOKS PISSSSSED!! Working with Danny does not look like it was fun. If “Idol” was like “Project Runway” and we got to see all the backstage drama that goes into making a final product, you just know Danny would have been like Victorya or Rami, and America would hate him for being a controlling jerkface. Kris Allen literally looks like he wants to punch Danny in the face right now. And, in an odd way, it’s sort of turning me on.

8:36 pm – Kris Coke Moment. He’s reeling a little bit after Simon said Danny outperformed him during the duet. He’s doing The Beatles’ “Come Together.” I dunno, Kris. Carly Smithson had an amazing go at this one last year.

8:37 pm – Kris almost peed his pants while rehearsing with Slash. TMI.

8:38 pm – At least he’s getting the lyrics right? This is pretty depressing.

8:38 pm – Oh, he broke it down in a fun, funky way at the end. But still, color me underwhelmed.

8:40 pm – You know you’re screwed when Randy struggles to essentially say, “Your guitar playing was cool!” Kara hated it. Paula is ranting at Simon for mocking her. I’m confused. Simon says, “It was like eating ice for lunch.” Kris Allen is covered in sweat. There’s a man in a sombrero in the audience. Did David Lynch hijack my brain?

8:42 pm – Weeeird. Seacrest is basically begging for votes on Kris’ behalf. “Who do you want to be in the finale…later this month? Is it Kris Allen? Take a look at that face, America!” Yep, look at the face. Tune out the singing. Then he has a shot. Yikes, Rickey.org must be in full meltdown mode right now. I can see the headline now. “SAVE KRIS ALLEN!” You know I love you, Rickey.

8:43 pm – This performance order is confusing me. Even though Adam and Allison opened the show, they’ll be closing the show with a duet? And Kris got stuck in the middle of the show, doing a duet and then making “Come Together” come apart. I think Kris is screwed tonight, honestly.

8:44 pm – Any NYers seeing this “Shrek on Broadway” promo? I think I would rather have the “Idol” stage crush me to my death than pay $150 for a ticket to see that mess.

8:46 pm – Danny is doing Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” Slash is anticipating his shriek. That makes one of us, Slash. This is going to be blood-curdling.

8:47 pm – Similar treatment to last week’s performance. Very quiet at the top and very loud at the end. But his game seems off. He’s not holding his notes well, his phrasing is wack.

8:48 pm – Oh. My. No. That final note was a DISASTER!

8:49 pm – The judges are putting him in his place, and Danny is sweating.

8:50 pm – My favorite comment is from – wow – Kara. “I think you took our swagger comment a little too far tonight.” Exactly. He acts as though he’s untouchable, and it needs to stop. I beg you, America. Put him in the bottom tomorrow. He needs an attitude adjustment desperately.

8:54 pm – Furthermore, Danny’s “this isn’t my genre” needs to be called out, too. He was amazing last week during Rat Pack Week but that’s even less his genre than tonight’s. I am so mad right now.

8:57 pm – Allison and Adam are rocking out with Foghat’s “Slow Ride.” Sing along at home with Allison! “Slow ride! Take it h’easy!”

8:58 pm – Allison’s penchant for adding “h’s” to the beginning of all her words proves to be unfortunate when “Slow Ride” becomes “Ho Ride.” Whoops!

8:59 pm – That was AWESOME! And adorable. Even more adorable? Their massive embrace at the end of it. TOO CUTE! Remember when Kris Allen and Danny Gokey almost started wrestling?

9:00 pm – Paula Abdul: “You two are like the perfect marriage!” Hmm…a seventeen year old girl and a twenty-something gay man with a passion for drag? And now Paula’s relationship history makes perfect sense.

9:01 pm – Simon: “Adam, you may have saved this one with that duet.” Adam mouths: “I hope so!” as he hugs Allison. DRAMA! Who do you think Adam wants voted off tomorrow night? I bet his name rhymes with Fanny Hokey!

9:02 pm – Conspiracy! The final phone number montage takes Allison’s best moment and Danny Gokey’s worst. I really hope my girl makes it through again this week. Start voting, kids!!

So what did we think of tonight’s show? Were the duets a fun addition or a fussy distraction? Are you surprised that Kris sucked so bad? Was Allison’s sass-athon a good or bad thing? Will Adam’s “I’m gonna go to the Top 3 Group” behavior on last week’s results show factor into your voting plans tonight? Or will Danny Gokey’s “I’m Gonna Tackle and Rub Cake All Over A 17 Year Old” behavior on last week’s results show factor into your voting plans tonight? Was Slash’s style of mentoring good for the show? And will they fix the “Idol” stage in time for Paula’s big performance tomorrow night?!! So many questions!!

Leave your comments below. My favorite will get a shout-out in Thursday morning’s “Idol in 60 Seconds.” Promise.