We’re Live-Blogging The ‘American Idol’ Finale!

Hi guys – sorry I’m late. I was busy talking to Paula Abdul on the red carpet. SERIOUSLY. More on that later…

But for now, it’s time to live-blog the “American Idol” finale! Yay!

8:01 pm – Seacrest is introducing the judges with fun little montage that reminds us why they’re the worst judges on television. Also, Randy Jackson borrowed a bow-tie from (Mrs.) J. Alexander on “America’s Next Top Model.”

8:06 pm – What’s the worst part about being an “Idol” finalist? Having to sing songs about mountains and hurricanes or being forced to wear all white on the finale? At least Adam’s wearing space boots.

8:06 pm – Mikalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas. This is the first time they’ve seen a real live drag queen. It’s a night of firsts!!

8:07 pm – Carly Smithson is in San Diego. Oh no! Has Carly already become Mikalah Gordon-famous?

8:08 pm – The top 13 (remember that?!) are singing Pink’s “So What.” Although they edited out all the lyrics about ex-husbands and liquor. Also, if you mute your telelvision you can hear all of America saying “Oh yeah, remember Jorge and Jasmine?”

8:10 pm – Dear Michael Sarver, stop being a camera-whore. You’re not the one we’re tuning in for.

8:14 pm – David Cook is singing the song “Permanent.” It’s nice that he gets to perform so early so he can go home afterwards. You know that guy’s like, “I got bigger fish to fry than this dog and pony show. I already won ‘American Idol.’I'm David friggin’ Cook.” He sounds phenomenal. Absolutely pitch-perfect. Hey Adam Lambert, you got a lot to live up to.

8:18 pm – I don’t know how we was able to sing that song so well, considering it’s so personal to him. His brother died, like, three weeks ago. What a trooper. Color me blown away by David Cook.

8:19 pm – Seacrest to David Cook: “You’re giving up your ‘Idol’ crown tonight!’” David Cook: “I can’t wait to get this albatross off of me!”

8:19 pm – Oy. They’re still doing these Golden Idol Awards? Sigh. Bikini Girl walked the red carpet, so I guess she’s gonna be “honored” tonight. Fun fact: the Fox News Channel was REALLY excited to interview her. Kinky bastards.

8:22 pm – Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell won the first prize. He’s dressed in a very stylish hoodie. He seems really flustered. Did he really not know he was winning an award?

8:24 pm – BWAAAAHAHAAHAH! We’ve been Gentled again. He ripped off his clothes and he’s rocking out “And I Am Telling You.” Normund Gentle is a comic genius. I am not kidding. This guy needs to have his own show, hell, his own CHANNEL.

8:25 pm – “Normund Gentle ’09 Peace Out.” I love that guy more than I love my cats. That’s saying a LOT.

8:25 pm – Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah are performing together. I’m so happy they’re doing duets this finale!! Yay!!! Queen Latifah’s sporting the same haircut as Kate (from Jon & Kate Plus 8).

8:27 pm – Remember when Queen Latifah did a remix of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face?” Do we think Queen Latifah knew that the song was about being a latent lesbian when she remixed it? Whoops!

8:29 pm – Pee break! (TMI?) While I’m gone, you should check out my “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap from last night’s performance show

8:33 pm – We’re back and Anoop is singing “I’m Your’s” by Jason Mraz. And now there’s Alexis Grace! And now there’s Jason Mraz!! He told me on the red carpet that he was nervous about singing and walking down the stairs at the same time. He did well!

8:35 pm – Least shocking development: the blind guy still can’t dance.

8:35 pm – Taped piece about Kris Allen’s “Idol” journey. Can you say, “filler?”

8:37 pm – Kris Allen and Keith Urban are singing “Kiss A Girl.” I wonder why they didn’t have Adam sing this song…

8:38 pm – Do you think Nicole Kidman is there tonight? Last night we had Katie and Suri, tonight we have Nicole Kidman. Maybe Mimi Rogers will appear in the Fox Reality After-Show? If Nicole Kidman is hanging out backstage, Keith Urban should keep her away from Kris Allen. We know she has a thing for short pretty boys.

8:45 pm – The ladies of the top 13 are singing “Glamorous.” It seems weird to hear Jasmine Murray sing this song, since people wouldn’t recognize her even if she walked outside with a giant sign that read, “My name is Jasmine Murray!”

8:46 pm – Fergie has joined them! Now they’re singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Get it? Cuz they’re all girls?

8:47 pm – Allison keeps getting solos…unfortunately the solos are comprised of her simply introducing other celebrities. “Ladies and gentleman…Fergie!” (Subtext: “Ladies and Gentleman, producers won’t let me sing on tonight’s show because then America will realize that they made a terrible error and the show producers didn’t properly pimp me.”)

8:48 pm – The Black Eyed Peas with Zebra Man Group are performing”Boom Boom Pow.” This song makes me thing of Lil Rounds’ butt. Anyone else?

8:49 pm – Randy Jackson is loving the Black Eyed Peas. And I love watching Randy Jackson bop his head.

8:51 pm – Arrrrghhhh. Why are we giving Bikini Girl more screen time?

8:53 pm – Bikini Girl is in a business suit. Just kidding, her boobies are hanging out. She’s in a bikini.

8:53 pm – Seacrest: “I’d ask you what’s new but I think I know.” SEACREST WINS!

8:54 pm – Okay, so sure, Bikini Girl can’t sing. But that didn’t stop us from voting for Lil Rounds.

8:55 pm – OMG Kara is duetting with her. “Sing Off 2: Electric Boogaloo!” Kara DioGuardi: Bad Judge, (Usually) A Good Songwriter, Great Singer.

8:56 pm – Kara ripped off her dress and is wearing a bikini, too. AHHH! I LOVE LIVE TELEVISION!

8:57 pm – Kara DioGuardi, all is forgiven. (Until I hear “No Boudaries” on the radio.)

8:58 pm – Taking bets…how long before Bikini Girl does porn? If she was smart, she’d have one hit the streets tomorrow. But knowing her, she’ll wait 5 years when people have forgotten about her.

9:00 pm – ALLISON IRAHETA + CYNDI LAUPER = BRILLIANT. I refuse to live-blog this performance. I’ll be back when it’s over. I need to take this in. Excuse me for a moment…

9:03 pm – It was cute. But the round robin stuff was a little wonky. Also, why did Allison have to do the harmonies? Let the girl sing the melody!

9:04 pm – Checking in with Kris’ parents. Kris’ mom is going to regret wearing that dress.

9:05 pm – Danny Gokey and Lionel Richie duet alert! Gokey got to do “Hello” solo first. And now they’re singing a song I don’t know. It must be off Lionel’s new album nobody cares about.

9:07 pm – “All Night Long!” This is perfect! Lionel and Danny are equally cheesy! Remember when Lionel opened up the American Music Awards with this song? And it was like Mardis Gras? And it lasted 10 minutes long? This is like that. Except instead of watching half-naked ladies dance in head-dresses, we’re watching Danny Gokey do the samba. So…upgrade?

9:12 pm – Jason Mraz is in the press room talking about his carbon footprint. This experience is SURREAL.

9:14 pm – We’re back! The judges are caught rushing into their chairs. Their jobs are so hard, you guys.

9:15 pm – Adam’s Idol Journey. He’s been performing since he was 10 years old. Kris Allen fans are going to complain that that’s unfair. “Kris has just been singing for, like 6 months. Adam’s a PROFESSIONAL!” Diehard “Idol” fan-bases are intense.

9:16 pm – Holy. Yes. Adam Lambert is wearing a giant contraption around his shoulders. Is this his way of coming out of the closet to America? He is FIERCE! And is he singing “Beth” by KISS? Awesome!

9:18 pm – Kiss is 80 years old. But this is making me so ridiculously happy.

9:20 pm – HAHA! Queen Latifah just showed up to be interviewed in the press room and when they cut the audio feed of the show, the entire place REVOLTED! People booed! And then Queen waited patiently for Adam and Kiss to finish to take the stage.

9:21 pm – God bless Adam Lambert for keeping “American Idol” fresh again. Ironic that all it took was a dude who sings like it’s 1987.

9:25 pm – Nothing says “the search for the next great vocalist” like a guitar solo from Carlos Santana.

9:26 pm – Oooh, Matt Giraud is singing “Black Magic Woman.” He sounds better than ever.

9:27 pm – Groan. Now the top 13 are singing “Smooth.” I never liked this song. Although I love Adam getting the lyric about “seven inches.”

9:27 pm – Nice, “Idol.” Let Jorge, the one Latin guy, get a solo on the Santana song. Maybe Andrea Bocelli will come out and Scott can go to town.

9:30 pm – Kris and Adam got new Fords! Yay! Aren’t they happy that “Idol’s” sponsor isn’t something like Spam or Summer’s Eve?

9:30 pm – “Please welcome Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and Steve Martin.” I’m dreaming, aren’t I?

9:32 pm – This isn’t nearly as God-awful as I expected it to be. In fact, it was really adorable! And boy, Megan Joy is hotter than ever.

9:35 pm – We’re 95 minutes in, and this finale is pretty great!! Lots of integration of all the “Idol” contestants, not too many bad auditions. Janice Dickinson’s been giving bats*** reaction shots in the crowd. I’m pleased.

9:38 pm – And we’re back! The top boys are singing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy.” No, Danny Gokey. I don’t think you’re sexy. Scott MacIntyre on the other hand? I’d totally go gay for that one. Sizzle!

9:40 pm – Rod Stewart alert!!! He’s coming up the stage the same way Adam Lambert did yesterday. Except he’s singing like an old pepaw in a nursing home. “Did you steal my slippers? When’s lunch?”

9:42 pm – Hi Bo Bice!

9:42 pm – Oh lord, now grandpa’s clapping above his head while he sings.

9:43 pm – Janice Dickinson’s air guitar rules.

9:43 pm – Somebody put this guy out of his misery. He’s shouting “MAGGIE! MAGGIE!” Is that his caretaker? Oh, he’s singing “Maggie Mae.” Sorry.

9:44 pm – Another award. This one’s for the females. I don’t remember these auditions at all. Anyone? Anyone?

9:46 pm – I heard the BEST story from an unnamed source who may or may not have been in the Top 36 with Tatiana. Story goes, the top 50 had to fill out intense psychological tests. And Ju’Not Joyner got up in the middle of the room while they were taking the test and said, “Tatiana, when they put your scan-tron in the machine it’s gonna go kabloom!!!” HAHAHA!

9:47 pm – Tatiana del Toro wins Best Female and storms the stage. Seacrest claims he’s going to commercial but this was all set up. I’m happy Tatiana can poke fun at how insane she is.

9:48 pm – Oof. I have the worst headache. You dare me to ask Kiss if they have aspirin? They’re about to enter the press area.

9:52 pm – Kris and Adam are singing “We Are The Champions.” Does this mean Queen’s coming out?

9:53 pm – YES!! Queen + a queen + Kris Allen.

9:53 pm – Question – do you think Danny Gokey’s all “Freddie Mercury died two decades before I auditioned for ‘American Idol?’”

9:54 pm – This performance would be 900 times better if they didn’t put SwayBoys ON STAGE with the finalists. No!

9:55 pm – As awesome as that was, I was really pulling for Kris and Adam to sing “More Than Words” by Extreme. It would have suited both of their voices perfectly. And remember that music video when the couple is sitting on the couch and then wave their lighter midway through? I always loved that moment. I had a lighter in my hand ready to go. But, alas, Queen. It’s cool. There’s always next year.

9:57 pm – My headache is turning into a full-blown migraine. Lovely. Expect me to look like I’m in agonizing pain in my “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap tomorrow morning. Boo.

9:59 pm – It’s judgment time, folks! Kris or Adam?

10:00 pm – Simon to the finalists: “The future’s all yours.” He’s right. These guys both have big careers ahead of them. Can’t wait to get to interview them once their albums come out…

10:00 pm – And the winner is……..

10:01 pm – KRIS ALLEN?!!!! GASP!!!! Adam Lambert fans, you have Rickey.org to thank. Go Tender Puppy! Go Sexy Face! Go Kris Allen!

10:02 pm – Kris Allen: “Adam deserves this.” Wow. And now he gets a trophy! First, Kara. Now the winner trophy. Season 8 was the season of pointless additions.

10:03 pm – Right this moment, the mainstream press is writing endless articles about how Middle America didn’t vote for the gay guy.

10:03 pm – Kris Allen’s Child Bride is in shock.

10:05 pm – There are no boundaries. Adam Lambert begs to differ.

And with that, we have a new American Idol. What do you think? Is this the biggest “Idol” upset ever??? Will Adam Lambert fans boycott the show next season? And is Adam better off not having to sing “No Boundaries” ever again?

I’m dying to hear your thoughts/reactions/etc. Hit me up in the comments below.

And, if I may, I’d like to thank all of you for a really fun season. I always looked forward to reading your hilarious observations. (And the fan mail was nice, too.) You guys rock. I’ll see you next season, God willing. Now I urge everyone to watch “So You Think You Can Dance.” It’s the best show on television. Blows “Idol” out of the water!!

No boundaries!!!

10:15 pm – BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!! The press room left the feed up after the show went off the air and I NEEEED to share what I just witnessed. Right after Kris won, he was whisked away to backstage, where a crew was waiting for him to say “I’m going to Disney World!” Kris, being a low key dude, wasn’t giving the producer what he wanted. “Be more excited!” Kris tried to up the energy. “I’m going to Disney World!” “You can do better than that! SCREAM IT!” Kris tried again. The producer pushed more. Kris tried again. And then an “Idol” stage manager rushed in and started yelling at the other producer. “That’s the best you’re gonna get! Let him be himself! He doesn’t do excitement!” I’m so depressed that I witnessed that. Okay, I’m done now. Thanks for reading!