Monday night's season premiere of the TLC hit "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" should have been retitled “Jon & Kate Plus Eight Divided by a Cheating Scandal Multiplied by Paparazzi = A Depressing Clusterf---.” And, sadly, I couldn't stop watching it. It was like the second-half of "Boogie Nights," when the perverse pleasure of watching a bunch of porn stars turned into a harrowing claustrophobic nightmare, with characters desperately trying to escape their life situation, yet completely stuck in the path they've chosen for themselves (but, you know, with less cocaine and giant ... well, you know ...).
For those of you who have somehow avoided the newsstands or the gossip blogs (or have never been hung over and caught a marathon of the show), Jon and Kate Gosselin are the parents of eight children — a pair of twins and a set of sextuplets. Their lives have been documented since the sextuplets' birth in various TV specials, and eventually, a popular TV series on the cable network that gets off on airing shows that feature unorthodox families, rare medical conditions and makeovers where cat ladies learn how to hide their cankles. Audiences loved watching how Jon and Kate handled the stress of raising eight children, and the warts-and-all depiction of their relationship was endearing. (If you had a nickel for every time Jon rolled his eyes at his demanding wife, you'd be as richer than hollandaise.) In the past several months, however, once stories started to bubble up that Jon might be less-than-faithful to his partner, Jon and Kate's rocky relationship wasn't charming or funny anymore. It was eye-opening and sad.
While glued to the entire 74-minute premiere, which was obviously rushed into production in order to incorporate the latest cheating headlines, I felt hopelessly depressed by the vicious cycle Jon and Kate are stuck in. Their entire well-being is hinged on having a reality show. They sell books, she does speaking tours, and they get freebies galore thanks to integrated marketing — not to mention the hefty salary TLC presumably sends their way. They've painted themselves into a corner where their fame is dependent on having cameras in their home, and as much as some gossip rags paint Kate as a fame-hungry diva, she clearly knows her place in the pop culture landscape. She understands that if "Jon and Kate" turns into "Kate Minus Jon," the train stops. Can you fault them for wanting to provide for their family? At the same time, though, it's the reality show which, I imagine, is a huge factor in the couple's marital problems. The last thing a troubled relationship needs is cameras documenting its dissolution.
Last night's episode was a bummer on so many levels. First of all, they were brutally honest in their depiction of the scandal and its effects on the relationship. The interviews that the pair often did as a couple were now two solo confessionals. (Anyone else think they accidentally switched over to HBO's finale of the therapy soap "In Treatment" midway through?) Jon looked like he had been crying and/or drinking for weeks. His eyes were bloodshot, he was bloated, his delivery always defensive but with an "I give up" sigh. The few times Jon and Kate appeared on camera together were painful to watch, whether it was a brief uncomfortable interview or their kids' 5th birthday party, they tiptoed around each other like arch nemeses. (In fact, Kate acknowledged the paparazzo's presence more than her husband's.)
Thankfully, the kids didn't seem to be (that) affected by all the drama, aside from one heart-grabbing moment when Kate's older kids helped their overwhelmed mom plan their sibling's birthday party while their dad locked himself in his bedroom to get away from his wife ... and the TV crew. The children appeared to have a blast at their birthday party, but speaking as a product of divorce, kids pick up on all the subtleties. It's only a matter of time before Jon and Kate's hostility towards each other become fodder for the therapist's couch. (You think birthday presents for eight is expensive? Try paying for eight therapists!!) Just wait till the kids are old enough to watch these tapes. Hell, I was ready to call my therapist after Kate admitted she wanted a family photo taken at the kids' 5th birthday party because she knew it was the last birthday they'd celebrate together as a family.
Am I saying that Jon and Kate's relationship would survive if they never did a reality show? Not exactly. Kate herself brought up that statistics indicate that parents of multiples overwhelmingly get divorced. I guess all I am pointing out is the depressing observation that their financial stability is dependant on their lack of familial stability. The worse things get for them, the more money they make. And I feel dirty and responsible for contributing to their unhappiness. Every Nielsen household who watched should pitch in to cover the divorce costs. And, God help me, it'd be money well spent. Because as disgusting as it is to watch a couple crumble, it makes for bloody brilliant television.
Did you watch the premiere last night? What did you think? Will you keep watching? Did the tabloids make you tune in, too? And between "Jon and Kate," "In Treatment" and "Breaking Bad," is this not shaping up to be the most depressing week of television ever?
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