I want to sue NBC for torturing me by making Monday night's "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" two-hours long. Not cool.
"But Jim," NBC might argue, "we had so much to cover, what with Speidi returning and then Heidi getting sick and then Janice having a panic attack and Lou Diamond Phillips busting out a British accent!"
So Speidi survived a night in The Lost Chamber. It was completely uneventful. The drama began when they returned to the camp. A newly-spiritual Spencer told his castmates the tale of his recent awakening. It involved a tremendous amount of vomit, or as he and Heidi put it, getting rid of the demons. (Their word choice will make my next hangover feel supernatural! Thanks, guys!) In fact, now Spencer was so charged with the Holy Spirit that he and Heidi were fasting for God. Seriously. All the Godspeak had new cast member Daniel Baldwin bitching about the show turning into Jesus Camp. I wouldn't go that far, Daniel. Until Sanjaya or Lou Diamond Phillips gets caught having down-low sex on a meth binge, there's nothing "Jesus Campy" about this show.
The lack of food didn't prevent Heidi from demonstrating her singing (dis)abilities. Hoping to impress Sanjaya (ha!), she caterwauled through one of her "songs," which prompted Janice to compare her to a wet cat. The old Spencer would have gotten in Janice's face and yelled a lot. The new Spencer sat there and feebly hurled a couple of empty threats. Upgrade?
Before long, flat notes weren't the only thing coming out of Heidi's mouth. She was up all night purging herself of demons. According to her castmates, Heidi's fast continued even though she was gravely ill ... which means Heidi Montag was more committed to her hunger strike than Mia Farrow. Wow.
Then you know the rest, thanks to a story written by my cohort Lindsay last night. Heidi was raced to the hospital, her gall bladder and pancreas are fine, she's not pregnant (AHHHH! I didn't even think that was an option!!). She's suffering from a gastric ulcer and her and Spencer are off the show for good, even though Janice thinks this whole thing was an act...
In non-Speidi news, Sanjaya has emerged as Jungle Boy. He makes jungle jewelry and jungle brooms, kisses jungle frogs and according to his BFF Janice Dickinson (who basically just orders the poor kid around all the time), "He whittles, he doodles, he sings." He also imparts jungle wisdom: After Janice had a full-blown meltdown thanks to a food challenge involving a Harry Houdini-like booth filled with water, snakes, frogs and crocodiles, Sanjaya the Sage said, "It's important to be strong but it's also important to know you don't always have to be strong!" Sanjaya for the win!
Later, the "celebs" battled for "Head of Household" or whatever the hell this stupid show calls it. They were forced to eat nasty things like bull testicles, stick bugs and petrified worms. Jungle Boy did his best, downing almost everything, while Janice gagged. (Come on, Janice. We both know you've had worse things in your mouth.)
In the end, despite Daniel Baldwin inhaling all the delicacies as if he was partying in a hotel room circa '98, he quit before finishing a cow tongue which meant that Lou Diamond Phillips remained as the Camp Leader. So basically the whole challenge was worthless.
The episode ended with host Mylene threatening that Spencer and Heidi could be back (kill me now), although Heidi's sister Holly was joining the cast on Wednesday night's (2-hour?!?!) episode.
What did you guys think? Were you surprised to see that Stephen Baldwin has a tramp stamp tattoo? Did you recoil when Heidi announced she used to be so poor she couldn't afford tampons? And are you going to tune in now that Speidi's being replaced with Heidi's sister Holly?