This week, I finally broke my officemate. It has nothing to do with the piles of CDs that topple over on a daily basis, the half-empty coffee cups I’ve got stacked all over the place or the fact that I smoke cigarettes at my desk.
No, what pushed him over the brink was Das Racist. Or, more specifically, a remix of their song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.”
You probably have no idea who (or what) I’m talking about, so let me fill you in. Das Racist are a Brooklyn/San Francisco “zip hop” duo who rap about stuff like fast food restaurants and Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez over hyphy beats that sound like they were cooked up in about three minutes on a thrift-store Casio. Which is to say: They’re pretty amazing. And the remix of “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” (which consists mainly of two dudes slurring “I’m at the Pizza Hut/ I’m at the Taco Bell/ I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” while air-raid sirens and saxophones blare in the background), is their masterwork.
Or not. See, I probably listened to this song 567 times this week. And finally, sometime yesterday, my officemate snapped. He glared at me, slowly rose from his desk, muttered something and then wandered out in the hallway. I haven’t seen him since. And then I realized that perhaps “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” is more than just the most annoying song of the moment … it might just be the most annoying song ever.
Which makes it even more special — it means you can use it to your advantage.
Let’s say — hypothetically, of course — that you hate your co-workers. Like, you cannot stand the dude in the cubicle next to you. Well, just put Das Racist on repeat and watch what happens. Seriously, within a week, that dude will never talk to you again. He might even go crazy. So, you know, everybody wins.
And, if by some miracle, Das Racist isn’t enough to send him over the edge (maybe he’s deaf), well, don’t give up hope. Just try any of these songs … all field-tested by yours truly, all guaranteed to annoy the living crap out of anyone within earshot. It’s the “I Hate My Co-Workers” playlist. And trust me, it works.
» Pavement, “Half a Canyon”: For starters, this song is six minutes long. And it sounds like it was recorded in a washing machine. And Stephen Malkmus spends most of it squealing like a witch on fire. Also, consider that this is generally thought to be the most “I don’t care” track on the most “I don’t care” album by the most “I don’t care” band of the 1990s. It gets so bad that at one point, Malkmus just wails “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m still goooiiiiinngggg” over and over again, and then the song keeps going for another two minutes. Your co-workers will be wailing the same thing.
» Ween, “Your Party”: The easy, breezy saxophone (it’s by David Sanborn), the WASP-y, “Nights in White Satin” lyrics (they’re by Ween). “Your Party” is probably the most brilliant piss-take on soft-focus lite jazz ever created, only, since it’s a Ween song, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s actually serious (which only makes it more brilliant). Regardless, play this at your office. I guarantee someone will ask “What is this?!?” by the third spin. And then they’ll jump out of a window.
Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, “1% Of One”: Malkmus is kind of like the Michael Jordan of totally annoying rock tracks, and this — from his second (sorta) solo album — is the musical equivalent of him dropping 63 against the Celtics in ’86: It’s a prodigious coming-out party, a sign of things to come, and if you’re on the wrong side of it, you probably want to die. Nine seemingly endless minutes of wavering guitar solos and effete semi-Brit accents, Malk would mine this territory even deeper on later albums, but never has he done it so effectively as he does here. Listen at your own risk.
Hot Butter, “Popcorn”: Synth pop at it’s most primitive (and most depraved). True story: Before I had my swanky office, I used to play this track over and over again in the MTV newsroom, until one day, it broke the spirit of an editor, who had to be physically restrained from hitting me. Seriously. Oh, and hey, here are 79 different versions of it!