Having dispatched the Orlando Magic in five games, the Los Angeles Lakers are the 2009 NBA Champions. Kobe Bryant finally won without the help of Shaquille O’Neal (just like Jay-Z hoped he would), and the team will be celebrating with a parade in Los Angeles this afternoon. All through the playoffs, it was a familiar-looking Lakers team, and not because they resembled any of the past championship clubs. Rather, they looked and played a lot like the Wu-Tang Clan. Don’t believe me? Check this out:
» Kobe Bryant is RZA: The most talented and controlling member of the team (and also the richest). Are they both a little bit crazy? Sure. Doesn’t it just make us love them more? Definitely. Plus, both Kobe and RZA are friendly with gritty New York City film directors (Kobe & Spike Lee, RZA & Jim Jarmusch).
» Phil Jackson is GZA: The wise sage who is heavily influenced by Eastern philosophy.
» Pau Gasol is Inspectah Deck: A supremely talented guy who always comes through in the clutch but always comes across like a distant loner.
» Derek Fisher is Ghostface: The wily veteran who saved the team — Ghostface rescued the Wu from irrelevance after Wu-Tang Forever, while Fisher brought the Lakers back from the brink in Game 4 of the Finals.
» Lamar Odom is Raekwon: The tough guy who complains a lot.
» Jordan Farmar is U-God: The fundamentally sound guy who everybody is always overlooking. If the Wu ever played hoops, U-God would be the guy playing the most solid defense — just like Farmar.
» Andrew Bynum is Masta Killa: The extremely talented guy who keeps having career setbacks (Bynum has been undone by injuries, while it took forever for Masta Killa’s solo album to come out).
» Trevor Ariza is Method Man: The wild-eyed young guy. Meth is the youngest member of the Wu and Ariza plays with the enthusiasm of a 17-year-old. Also, they both have that crazed look in their eyes all the time.
» Adam Morrison is ODB: The guy with the uneven facial hair who cries in public. Also, both are missing in action.