Tuesday night's (March 9) "American Idol" began with an intense roll call that had each girl peeling off one by one as Ryan Seacrest announced her name. Is this "American Idol" or a video catalog for mail-order brides?
"Idol" wasted no time to get to the eight performances so why should I? Let's go!
Katie Stevens
Song: "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson
Verdict: Walk Away
Katie took the judges' advice and picked a song that young people listen to. Unfortunately, she didn't sing it well. Flat and behind the beat — like "From Justin to Kelly," it just didn't work. Katie's another one who would have been better off waiting until she was 21 before trying out for "Idol." But even after the judges slammed her for lacking life experience to pull off the soaring ballad, Stevens attempted to argue her way into the Top 12. "But the song mentions coming from a small town, and I do come from a small town!" Um, Katie, this is "American Idol," not "American Lawyer." Please accept that you sucked ... (wait for it) ... (wait for it) ... the life out of the room. (Long well-placed pause courtesy of Simon Cowell.)
Siobhan Magnus
Song: "House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals
Verdict: Rising Star
Siobhan continued to bring the funky with a partially a cappella, entirely awesome "House of the Rising Sun." (She also took some makeup tips from Adrian from "The Secret Life of an American Teenager." That lip gloss is both fresh and poppin'!) The judges all gushed over Siobhan's risk — except for Simon, who didn't think she did anything different with the song. Say huh?! She replaced Eric Burdon's voice-cracking wail with a yearning croon, and played around with the melody to show off her range. Oh yeah, and she rocked the beginning completely a cappella!
But the biggest surprise was that Siobhan dedicated the song to her Brian Johnson-lookalike father Papa Magnus, of whom she said had one of the best voices she's ever heard. Whoa, why is this quirky girl tugging on my heartstrings right now? Her role on the show is to wow me with her off-kilter song choices and ridiculous high notes. She's not supposed to make me "awwww."
Lacey Brown
Song: "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle
Verdict: Bedtime Story
If Lacey's "Story" was a story, it'd be something along the lines of "Moby Dick." Technically, it was a strong offering (a first for Lacey on these live shows! Golf clap!), but it's not exactly a story I'd want to pick up over and over again. Furthermore, if flirting with the camera was a job requirement for "American Idol," Brown would win hands down. Unfortunately, it's a singing competition, and her squeaky voice still hasn't found its perfect outlet. Last week I was all about Lacey trying Yael Naim's "Toxic" cover, but "The Story" has changed my tune. Lacey Brown, if you're reading this, check out Beach House's "Used To Be" (the original seven inch mix, not the album version from Teen Dream — both are on iTunes, girl). Tap into your inner Victoria Legrand and soar on the "Idol" stage! You can do it!
Katelyn Epperly
Song: "I Feel the Earth" by Carole King
Verdict: Crapestry
Last week, Katelyn emerged as a dark horse in the competition with a stunning, sleepy "The Scientist." Something heavy must have gone down behind the scenes, because this week Epperly couldn't have looked less interested in performing. It was like she gave up after finding out Simon went on "The Tonight Show" to pimp Crystal Bowersox. "My divorced parents are no match for Crystal almost dying from diabetes. She's like Wilford Brimley. I'm just like 51 percent of the population." Her reason for acting like an emotionless robot? Katelyn was trying to be less corny after Simon complained about her over-emotive Coldplay cover. Watching it back a second time, you can totally see Katelyn consciously trying to avoid making any dramatic expressions whatsoever. Unfortunately, the limp Wurlitzer playing combined with the Lite-FM Carole King staple made her whole performance more cheesy, not less. Katelyn Epperbot, what have you done with the interesting, passionate singer I was falling in love with? Bring the old Katelyn back at once (provided she avoids elimination) and let her sing a Radiohead song! She tweeted about the band a few days ago. "Fake Plastic Trees" awaits!
Didi Benami
Song: "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac
Verdict: Rhiannot Too Shabby
Didi picked the right week to grab a guitar and attempt an untouchable Fleetwood Mac song. (Ahem, Taylor Swift.) The teary singer gave the Stevie Nicks classic a neat Tropicalia twist and nailed the vocals. I'd say she's never been better, but she's also never been that good. So let me add a little drama and emphasis to my review by saying few "Idol" singers this season have been better. To echo Simon Cowell, "She did have a wow moment — the wow moment was the whole performance." Although admit it: You totally laughed when the girl who meows for vocal warm-ups sang the lyric about the black cat. She should totally do Janet Jackson’s "Black Cat" next week. But save "Stray Cat Strut" for the finale, ya heard?
Paige Miles
Song: "Smile" written by Charlie Chaplin
Verdict: Frown. Tears. Suicide.
Forget Katelyn. What the hell happened to this girl? Why did Paige decide to sing Charlie Chaplin's song like a deaf person? (Not tone deaf, mind you. Just deaf deaf.) Paige used to be the bubbly girl who liked coloring books and singing rock songs. Now she's the token plus-size girl of "America's Next Top Model" who, about five weeks in, loses all hope after the show fails to provide her with an adequate wardrobe at a photo shoot. When the director cut to the judges' panel, I half expected Tyra, Nigel and Miss J to be there instead, asking, "Where did your spark go, sweetie?"
Crystal Bowersox
Song: "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman
Verdict: A Thousand Reasons Why I Love This Woman
Crystal Bowersox not only owned the "Idol" stage Tuesday night, she gave the down payment, signed the contract, settled the closing costs, walked off with the keys and then renovated the dang "Idol" stage Tuesday night. Crystal's "Give Me One Reason" had the swagger and professionalism of a rock veteran three times her age. I love that she's able to show us more vocal tricks with each passing week, too. At one point I said aloud, "Hi, Crystal's awesomely nasty throat growl! My name's Jim. It's a pleasure to meet you." I also dug how effortless her electric guitar riffing was, all the while admiring the giant ring she clearly stole from Lady Miss Kier from Deee-Lite's World Clique album cover. Bonus points for Crystal popping a squat on her amp during the judge's critiques. What a rock star! Based on Crystal's "Idol" trajectory thus far, Simon is a "million billion percent" correct: It's her season to lose. (Side note: Anyone else spot Katelyn Epperly looking miserable during Bowersox's show-stopper? Yo Kate, let's see some sportsmanship, mmkay?)
Lilly Scott
Song: "I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline
Verdict: She Fell Alright
Lilly took her first misstep of the competition with a tortured, forced and damn near unwatchable Patsy Cline cover. Okay, to be honest, I didn't notice her vocals that much. I was too busy deciding whether her goofy earrings looked more like potholders or kitten mittens. Her judging segment got chopped considerably for time, so after Randy, Ellen and Kara all gave her concise raves, Simon was left simply saying, "You're very brave choosing that song on a night like this." I'd go further and say she's lucky she went last, because if it weren't for her pimp spot, Lilly would be in serious trouble Thursday night. With the risk of sounding like Ellen DeGeneres, I still love her, though. You just had your first free pass, Lilly. Now it's time to bring the noise and the funk back to "Idol" come the Top 12! Save the indie rocker!
What did you think of the Top Eight Girls? Is Crystal Bowersox really the one to beat this season? Who blew their Top 12 chances? Would Siobhan's performance have been as epic if we didn't know she was singing the song for her dad? And do I dare dignify Ellen and Simon's fake make-out by writing about it? Hit me up in the comments below. And make sure you follow me on Twitter @jambajim for even more "Idol" insanity.