Kiss made a name for themselves by crafting big hard rock tunes accompanied by pyrotechnics, moon boots, face paint and a healthy dose of sexual suggestion. They then took that name and slapped it on just about any product you can think of. Founding members Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley have created a gigantic empire full of merchandise gobbled up by the Kiss Army. For any fan of Kiss, there are literally hundreds of ways to bring Kiss into your life, in the form of action figures, underwear, toothbrushes, lamps, air fresheners, condoms, credit cards and the legendary Kiss Kasket (which you can buy while you're still alive and use it as a beer cooler until you have to fill it with your corpse).
Now comes the news that Stanley and Simmons have signed a deal to produce a television show for children. According to production company E1, the half-hour comedy show will introduce the band (and the group members' individual personalities) to a new generation of Kiss Army members. "Kiss continues to be the juggernaut of licensing and merchandising, from Kiss M&M's to Kiss Dr. Pepper," Simmons said in a statement. "Kiss is a band, but also the only music brand. Continuing in our 35 year history of going where no band has gone before, we are proud to partner with E1. Like all things KISS, we intend to make this a very special show for our fans."
With a new kid-themed TV show about to go under their belts, it begs the question: Is there anything left for Simmons and Stanley to brand? Here are five things that, shockingly, don't have Kiss-themed versions (though you can bet that they'll be available soon).
The Toyota Starchild
The Japanese automaker has taken an awful lot of heat lately (which tends to happen when you build cars with breaks that don't work), but an association with Kiss could really bring them back into favored brand status. Who wouldn't want to cruise around like Paul Stanley? The Kiss Starchild has a powerful engine, extra-loud stereo system and is only available in black. Of course, somebody already built a custom Gene Simmons-themed Volkswagen, though that isn't being mass-produced, nor does it look driveable.
Kissmotherapy
The Kiss empire is so gigantic and so flush with cash that Simmons and Stanley can afford to throw a little research money into some medical science. Can you imagine if a Kiss-funded biochemical engineer cured a major disease? That would be a pretty impressive legacy for Kiss, possibly even surpassing the majesty of "Rock and Roll All Nite." Though you would have to assume that if Simmons and Stanley did get into medical research, they'd probably make Kissagra first.
Kiss Kattle
Who wouldn't want to buy a steak cut from cows approved by the God of Thunder?
Kiss TV
If Oprah can have her own cable station, why can't Kiss? The network can not only air classic concerts, episodes of "Gene Simmons' Family Jewels" and endless repeats of "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park," but it can also launch a whole slate of new series like "Kiss Kooking with Chef Paul Stanley," a nature show hosted by Peter Criss called "Peter Criss' Jungle Cats" and a talk show lead by former Kiss guitarist Vinnie Vincent called "Vinnie Vincent's View."
Detroit Rock City, Michigan
Though the core members of Kiss were nice Jewish boys from Queens, New York, they've been associated with Detroit, Michigan since the release of "Detroit Rock City" (from the band's 1976 masterpiece Destroyer). Since Detroit has seen better days, the band should just go ahead and buy the city, rename it and turn it back into the vital metropolis it used to be (except this time with a lot more fire breathing). If one city is too small for them, then the state of Idaho and the planet Saturn are both reasonable alternatives.
What do you think Kiss should brand next? What's your favorite piece of Kiss merchandise? Let us know in the comments!