Expectations are now so low on this season of "American Idol" that when news broke that Miley Cyrus was going to "mentor" the Top 11 as they sang "Teen Idol Hits No Wait Billboard #1 Hits No Wait Both Maybe," I shrugged and said, "Eh, they've had worse." (I'm still laughing at producers for letting Jennifer Lopez give singing tips to Melinda Doolittle.) Looking back on my reaction, I now see I was dead wrong.
Miley Cyrus is a genius mentor for the season nine contestants. The best lesson these kids could learn is how to become uber-famous performers with limited vocal abilities. Who knows that better than Miley Cyrus?
Tuesday night's (March 23) show opened with the Top 11 nervously standing on stage while Ryan Seacrest's giant face appeared behind them on a massive monitor borrowed from 1984. (That number works as both a reference to George Orwell's classic and perfectly encapsulates the year most of Tuesday night's performances could have taken place. Fun fact to make some of you feel really old: In 1984, Kris Allen had not yet been born. You're welcome.) It's an important week, as the person eliminated this week won't be going on tour with the Top 10, so the stakes are extra high.
Seacrest then introduced Miley, a 17-year-old with "a lifetime of experience" who instantly rubbed me the wrong way when she said she'd seen some episodes this season and knew the contestants could sing. (Which episodes did you watch, Miley? Better question: What drugs did you take before you watched said episode? Best question: Can your supplier make weekly house calls Tuesday nights in New York?)
Okay, enough jibber jabber. I'm starting to sound like Miley! On with the performances!
Lee Dewyze
Song: "The Letter" by the Box Tops (and later covered by almost everybody in the history of music)
Verdict: Insufficient Postage
Producers have decided that Lee's biggest problem is his lack of stage presence and confidence, though I'd still argue that the guy treats pitch like a casual booty call. This week, backed by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones (not really), Lee tried commanding the stage without a guitar. Unfortunately, Lee's idea of owning the stage is hunching over like a geriatric shuffling to his Lincoln Town Car (or Rod Stewart warbling "Maggie May" at last year's "Idol" finale — same difference). I'm not quite sure what confused me more: That three out of the four judges raved about Lee's awkward performance or that nobody on a show that's supposed to be all about music mentioned that Box Tops member Alex Chilton just recently passed away.
Paige Miles
Song: "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)" by Phil Collins
Verdict: Take Her Home
Paige's Real Coke Moment proved that she does, in fact, have fans. During the commercial break, a Paige supporter apparently gave her a giant ring to wear on stage. Cute! Unless that the ring was some kind of witchy trick handed to her by a secret Siobhan fan to make Paige sing like a schizophrenic deaf person. Speaking of double-agents, at this point in the episode I started to suspect that Miley was in cahoots with Vote for the Worst. Hannah Montana's advice to Paige? "Use your soft voice!" Yes, your soft voice, the same one that you used when you ruined "Smile" a few weeks ago. Somehow, Paige's "Against All Odds" was even worse than her "Smile." Within five seconds of her off-key warbling, I was sitting on my couch as stiff as Paige on the moveable "Idol" stairs set piece. It was a game of chicken, as if she were singing to me, daring me to move from my position to grab the remote and throw it at the television. Alas, I sat there still, totally hypnotized by how awful it was. To add insult to injury, Paige's song selection kicks Phil Collins' Lite-FM staple out of a three-way-tie and officially makes "Against All Odds" the most performed song on the "American Idol" stage. (Scott Savol, where have you gone?)
Tim Urban
Song: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen
Verdict: Hack Efron
Miley Cyrus, Secret Agent, urged Tim Urban to ham it up as much as possible, citing the judges' "you have no personality and are boring" critiques. (Huh? Silly me thought that they were always complaining that Tim cannot sing.) Miley gave Tim a hug and sent him on his merry way, with the newfound Miley-approved confidence to act like a complete doofus on stage. And how! Read More...
Tags American Idol