Handing over the Lennon/McCartney songbook to "American Idol: Flatliners Edition" was a lot like letting an 11-year-old take a Rolls Royce out for a spin. In fact, the entire first act of the show Tuesday night (April 6) was dedicated to the judges and producers (and even Sir Paul himself) essentially telling the Top 9, "Don't f--- this up."
Thankfully, for the most part, they didn't. It was a trippy episode, filled with strange instruments and stranger audience members, but in a weird way it felt appropriate. After all, these were the men responsible for a TV movie that featured a waiter shoveling spaghetti onto an obese woman's table.
Before I get to the performances, I think it's important to address that George Harrison and Ringo Starr were never mentioned during Tuesday's broadcast. Weird, but also typical. Don't be offended by the snub, George and Ringo fans. "Idol" often refuses to acknowledge the existence of über-talented artists. Even ones who, you know, won the damn show.
Aaron Kelly
Song: "The Long and Winding Road"
Verdict: Good That Was Not
Aaron has earned the nickname Yoda from his fellow contestants because he's wise, he's tiny and — underneath the hair gel and giant sleeves — he's really a 900-year-old alien. "I don't know if it's a compliment or if they just do it to pick on me," Aaron deadpanned. The poor thing was equally clueless when he chose this heavy (if not downright schmaltzy) ballad. "This whole journey has been a long and winding road," the teenager tried to rationalize to an eye-rolling Simon. But the only door this painfully croaky, pitchy performance will lead him to is the exit. Any "Idol" newbies who don't think a 17-year-old could handle this song should look up David Archuleta's effortless rendition from season seven.
Katie Stevens
Song: "Let It Be"
Verdict: Let It Blossom
It's prom season and Katie has been bombarded with date requests. She wants her potential suitors to send in their phone bills so she can pick the guy who has voted for her the most. Oh honey. Any 17-year-old boy watching "Idol" would probably rather go to prom with Tim Urban. They'd just be using you to get closer to him. At the very least, you two would have a blast at the prom doing the "Single Ladies" dance together.
I was worried about Katie tackling "Let It Be," not only because Brooke White made me fall in love with her to this song (and Kr[redacted by Fox] offered a passionate bluesy take on a results show this season) but because in her pre-performance package Katie's bites about the song were as deep as a paper cut. ("There are hard times that you can have, but in the end you just kinda have to let it be and have faith, and um, people will give you wisdom sometimes, and, um, such as the Iraq...")
Imagine my surprise when the Connecticut Queen dug deep and reminded me of a different "Idol" entirely: Jordin Sparks, who wowed me three seasons ago with a mature-beyond-her-years "I (Who Have Nothing)." Okay, so Katie's "Let It Be" was nowhere near as breathtaking as Sparks' big "Idol" moment, but it left me with a similar tingly, "Yay! The pageant girl can connect to a song!" feeling. And I totally dug the R&B flourishes Katie added to the melody without turning it into a Jermaine Sellers trill-a-thon.
The haters will insist Katie had no soul and that she's still a robot, but I saw some genuine emotion out there on the stage. At the very least, she deserves props for faking emotion really well. If she is a robot, she had me fooled. Simon, too.
Andrew Garcia
Song: "Can't Buy Me Love"
Verdict: Can't Buy You As a Legitimate Recording Artist
Weird. Why was there a drunken Thai businessman singing "You Can't Buy Me Love" over an '80s lite-jazz karaoke track for Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual?" Where did Andrew Garcia go? Has anyone found him? Please alert the authorities. He has an adorable baby who needs a daddy and a sippy cup.
Michael Lynche
Song: "Eleanor Rigby"
Verdict: I Can Do Bad All By Myself
On one hand, it makes sense to bring "Eleanor Rigby" to church. After all, the song takes place at one. On the other hand, Big Mike's over-the-top theatrics were as distracting and annoying as the high pitched "Heyyyyy" noise he made in his pre-performance interview. Also disturbing? His family's music group was called "The Lynche Mob." With a name like that, I bet they got booked at Klan rallies all the time. Awkward.
Randy thought Big Mike's performance would be a hit with "Glee" fans (next week he'll call Siobhan Magnus a "Fringe" artist), but I thought Michael played less like a pupil of Will Schuester and more like a disciple of Ben Vereen. (I'm totally making Mike a "Big Pippin, Spending Cheese" T-shirt.)
At the end of Big Mike's segment, Seacrest said, "That certainly stirred the pot." Well, he did something in the pot. I'm just not sure he stirred (or flushed) when he was done. Excuse me for dwelling in the past, but I'd take David Cook's darker spin over Big Mike's Tyler Perry stage show version any day.
Crystal Bowersox
Song: "Come Together"
Verdict: Saved By The Didgeridoo
If you strung together Crystal's "Idol" performances to create a MamaSox concert set list, this clumsy cover would be a good time to visit the merch booth to buy a pair of BowerSocks or Crystal HairCharms. The frontrunner wasn't "slinky" or "sexy," as Kara suggested. (Kara must have been having flashbacks to Carly Smithson’s smokin' version.) Crystal was lost and deflated, even flubbing the lyrics and turning into a shoegazer as she mumbled, "Muddy finger he shoot roller cola."
But if Crystal looked sick, it's because she was, as evidenced by Seacrest and the judges mentioning her head-cold every four seconds. (Subtext: "Please don't vote her off! She's not at 100 percent! She'll be better next week!") Look "Idol," Crystal almost died in a hospital earlier this season, and that week she sounded amazing. You can't shove the sniffles excuse down my throat and expect me to give Bowersox a free pass just because you think she's the only singer with a shot of having a real career once this show is over.
The good news is Crystal, recently immortalized in her hometown's "Welcome" sign, broke the ever-important didgeridoo barrier on "Idol," which means we're now one step closer to an Animal Collective theme week.
Side though: If Lennon/McCartney had written the lyric "He shoot Pepsi cola" instead, do you think "Idol" would have to change the line, given their Coke sponsorship?
Tim Urban
Song: "All My Loving"
Verdict: The White Alum
Teflon Tim said he picked "All My Loving" because it's a song he can sing with a smile. But being the avant garde artiste that he is, Tim didn't smile once during his performance. Instead, he sleepily gazed into the camera and occasionally snarled, making it look like he was missing a tooth from his signature grill. It was performance art at its best.
I kid, I kid. The only thing going through this likeable doof's brain is "strum strum inhale sing exhale strum strum hair." This week Tim (finally!) picked a song that suited his limited range, and the icing on top was a neat rockabilly shuffle arrangement that showed off Tim's electric guitar skillz. The judges were dumbfounded, but for once it was in a good way. Ellen liked his Paul McCartney look (I say he looked more like a young Ringo), Kara kissed his butt after calling him mentally challenged last week and Simon loved it.
Are the judges using reverse psychology on viewers in hopes that people will stop voting for the little underdog that could (sing in the most average way possible)? We'll see.
Casey James
Song: "Jealous Guy"
Verdict: My Fave of the Night (Imagine That!)
Casey James stepped up his game with a tender, emotionally raw performance of a John Lennon solo hit. It wasn't technically the night's best vocal, but the bluesy wails were definitely the night's most honest, with a fragile vibrato that shook like Katherine Hepburn driving on a rumble strip. Kara loved how it showed his "depth," although Casey revealed just how deep a guy he is when he told Seacrest, "I was thinking about being a jealous guy." Yep, there's depth for you. Why'd you have to talk and ruin the moment, Goldilocks?
Siobhan Magnus
Song: "Across the Universe"
Verdict: Somewhere That's Green
The positive: Siobhan proved she doesn't have to scream to get our attention. (In fact, her most exciting moment was a quick, unexpected high falsetto note she slipped into the "om" of one chorus.) Also cool: Her lip gloss be poppin' (though the freshness remains a mystery). And I can't knock her outfit, which was like Loretta Lynn meets "Back to the Future Part II."
The negative: Her performance was basically this.
Even if viewers (and judges) were a little perplexed by Siobhan's sleepy cabaret grandstanding, she likely earned enough votes post performance between crying about how she'll never stop loving her baby sisters and hugging a heckler in the crowd named Earl. (I hope that dude was pre-screened by producers. Otherwise, yikes.)
Lee DeWyze
Song: "Hey Jude"
Verdict: Badpipes
Lee DeWyze benefited the most from his "other contestants talk about him" package. We learned he's that annoying guy in your math class who won't shut up about bombing a quiz only to get a 98 every time. But most importantly, we learned from Crystal that Lee and buddy Andrew are so close they should "get married and have lots of little Danny Gokey babies." (I thought Crystal never watched "Idol" before. Has the Legend of Danny Gokey transcended "Idol" and spilled into the street performers with dreads circle?)
Yes, Danny Gokey babies. They don't cry, they scream-on. And once they learn how to talk, they never ever shut up. They are also likely to be confused and a little disapproving of having two daddies instead of a mom and a dad. But I digress.
Lee's performance of "Hey Jude” was truly hideous. His pitch was worse than Mark Redman's. (Baseball reference! My dad will be so proud!) But then something glorious happened. Just as Lee urged the swaying audience members to sing the "na na nas," he released the Kraken (who was dressed up as a Scottish bagpipe player). "Hey Jude." On "Idol." With bagpipes. It was even weirder than it sounds.
But Lee's (drunken?) goofy energy was infectious. The judges were giddy in their confusion. (Ellen's comment about the bagpipe player being a lost parade member was her best quip on the show yet.) Even Simon had to throw his hands up and succumb to the pipes after Lee said they were "100 percent" his brainchild. To quote @HeartBaseball, one of my Twitter followers, "I have to say, I've never seen Lee more confident than when he confirmed the bagpipes were his idea. Somehow, that made it OK."
You're right, @HeartBaseball. Lee's "Why? Why not?" exchange with Seacrest made me warm up to him more than a solid vocal would at this point. Hell, if we're going to burn the house that Kelly built down, we might as well dance on its ashes.
But what did you think of Tuesday's crazy episode? Which ridiculous instrument was your favorite? How much do you think the crew hates it when Seacrest "directs" the show from the control room? Did you catch Lee looking miserable while hugging Katie? And why didn't Seacrest acknowledge Lacey Brown when she was sitting right next to the "Bones" cast?
Leave a comment below! And if you've made it this far, you clearly love "Idol." So take the plunge and follow me on Twitter @jambajim.