Fresh episodes of “Jersey Shore” are set to launch just a few hours from now, exactly 69 days after the hit show went off the air in October. Pervy coincidence? Devious programming decision?
Whatever the case, it has been far too long since we’ve heard Snooki refer to her cuca, right? I mean, the pop culture landscape just isn’t complete without the chance to hear the Situation be ridiculous. And now the whole thing is about to start up again, with the cast back in Seaside Heights and an entire boardwalk to be teased and taunted into submission like only these reality stars can. In the words of Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio, “Oh yeeaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!”
Last year, in awe of the crew’s way with words (honestly, Pauly is like some deranged, hair-gelled Shakespeare), MTV News kicked off “Jersey Shore by the Numbers,” a PowerPoint-enabled investigation into the cast’s favorite words and phrases. This time around, we’re set to do it all over again. But before then, we thought it’d be wise to get reacquainted with some prior pearls of wisdom. Read on for the 10 best quotes from the group’s sojourn to Miami.
10. “You can’t get tan in this weather. You can’t creep in this weather. You can’t do anything.” – Pauly D, on why he ditched Jersey and headed to Miami Beach.
9. “I am not f—king any of my roommates. Therefore I should not be cleaning up after their s–t.” – JWoww, on why the messy kitchen is not her responsibility.
8. “Sam, the first night at Bed when you left crying, Ron made out with two girls and put his head in between a cocktail waitress’ breasts. Boing.” –JWoww and Snooki, in an anonymous letter to Sammi detailing Ronnie’s misbehavior.
7. “It’s weird. We were ex-boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re hanging out with each other. It’s awkward, bro. It’s not ‘Saved by the Bell.’ We’re not f—king Zack and Kelly.” – Ronnie on the difficulties of creeping while living with Sammi.
6. “When you actually have a good girl out there, say no to hoes.” – Vinny, on why he rejected the chance for a threesome.
5. “I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin’ ’20s.” – Snooki, on the experience of washing dishes.
4. “Tan, guido, juicehead, gorilla, big sense of humor, likes to party, fist-pumps, frolics, isn’t a jerkoff, a dork at heart, smells good, pays for meals, nympho, likes pickles, takes on interest into my hobbies, very protective, not so serious, likes to sleep in.” – Snooki’s list for her “ideal man-guido.”
3. “I never said anything about checkers, old man.” – Nameless woman to the Situation, after rejecting his plea for a 5 a.m. hookup.
2. “Oh, it hurts my vagina … No, I like it.” – Snooki, on, well, does it matter?
1. “You want half?” – The Situation, offering Pauly a bite of his egg sandwich while his friend was mid-coitus.