‘Jersey Shore’ By The Numbers: I Hate You

“What’d I do?”

That’s what Ronnie was wondering after he trashed Sammi’s room, threatened to sleep with half the women in Seaside Heights, then trashed her room again. If Ron can’t make the connection between action and consequence — if he’s unclear why Sam had devolved into a sobbing puddle of emotional goo and hopped a cab outta Seaside Heights — we don’t even know what to say.

Let’s just knock back some Ron Ron juice and stumble through the madness that was last night’s (Thursday, February 10) episode of “Jersey Shore.” Children, cover your ears, because the string of insults Ron and Sam tossed each other’s way is part Judd Apatow-comedy absurd, part horror-flick frightening. To wit: Sam accused Ron of being a sick pervert, a douchebag and a psycho, while Ron argued Sam was a dirt bag, a useless stupid bitch and a dog. And that was just during one stretch of the episode-long fight. It got ugly early and often. As the Situation asked at one point, after Ron went on a rant about girl code and guy code, “Where’s general human code?”

Truth! And what’s more, where are the rest of our “Jersey Shore” friends? Pauly D hardly showed his face at all this episode, his appearances largely reduced to shots of him cleaning his sneakers and laughing about how crazy it is that a relationship not his own is causing him so much stress. Pauly, we miss you dude, and can only hope that with Sam out of the house, our favorite reality show DJ will command a little more screen time. And hey, here’s to hoping Sam will soon return to Seaside — stronger, single-er — and she won’t fall for Ronnie’s final line of the episode, “I miss her. I love her.”

We’ll pretend, bro, you didn’t actually say that and instead proceed with another edition of “Jersey Shore by the Numbers.”