‘Jersey Shore’ By The Numbers: Cheesy Pranks, Crying Chicks

There was a whole lotta confusion going on during “Jersey Shore” on Thursday night (March 3).

Ronnie spent the previous episode weeping over the departure of Sammi, only to declare when she returned this week that he didn’t want her in the house (“I was just starting to find myself,” he said). Vinny, meanwhile, couldn’t quite understand how Snooki could sleep with half the dudes in Seaside Heights, then give Vin crap for bringing home a DTF lady. And everyone seemed to become disconnected from the English language (not that they were ever so solidly connected before): the Situation complained that a stinky toilet was “permenating” the house, Ron laughed about a prank involving a “schmorgesboard” of food items, and Deena coined the term “hatastic,” which apparently means “you’re, like, super happy and, like, really ecstatic.”

We’ll add those three words to our “Jersey Shore” dictionary, as we continue our season-long investigation into the cast’s peculiar relationship to the spoken word — a little exercise we like to call “Jersey Shore by the Numbers.”

To go by this week’s chart, the episode was all about a few key things. In an escalating prank war, Sammi and friends upped the ante, dousing Sitch’s bed with cheese, leading him to assume his hookup had, um, a certain hygiene issue. Snooki (drunk, nonsensical, deserving of our compassion), blew a few tear ducts after Vinny bedded an anonymous club babe; she didn’t remember the meltdown in the morning, though she did have a heart-to-heart with JWoww (“Like, you like like him?” Jenni wondered).

Yet the moment that continues to haunt us cannot be marked on a chart. It concerns the ongoing evidence that Deena has the lowest self-esteem of anyone currently on reality TV. Last week she collapsed in drunken tears after someone called her a slopopotamus. This week, apropos of absolutely nothing before heading out to the club, Deena asked her roommates, “Do I look embarrassing?”