The songs have been selected. The cheap leftover prom dresses? Chosen. The new director has pre-loaded all of his favorite wilderness graphics. This is "American Idol X: When Teenage Girls Find Out They're Not God's Gift To Music."
The theme for Wednesday night's (March 9) Top 13 show: "Personal Idols." They included a man who was tried (and acquitted) for peeing on a 13-year-old, a famous adulterer and a dude who once uploaded eight free albums from kooky alter egos with song titles as varied as "Get Scared, Throw Up, Die," "Drunk as a Pile of F---" and "Passed Out In AA – F---." Perhaps producers should have added the word "musical" in the theme's title, because I seriously doubt Thia Megia's manufacturers programmed her to adopt a chimp and hang out with Webster.
Before I go on a rant about how five out of the 13 contestants chose songs that were covered on season nine's dreary stage, let's get to the performances. And as an added bonus, my mother-in-law is staying at Casa Cantiello this week, so prepare yourself for some guest commentary from an admittedly tone-deaf non-"Idol" fan.
Lauren Alaina
Song: Shania Twain's "Any Man of Mine"
Verdict: Shania Plain
In the studio, Golden Child Lauren Alaina hooked up with Jimmy Iovine's buddy Don Was. (I say "hook up" in the professional sense. I'm not implying Lauren Alaina sleeps around for career opportunities — that's what a good stage mom is for!) Shania's foot-stomper is a song that "Idol" fans have seen performed by a 900 pound diva and a Mohawked zombie. Was and Alaina went the straight-forward route with the song and the result was a lot like a bowl of Cookie Crisp that has been festering in your sink for a week: Sugary sweet and vaguely resembling what you remember enjoying, but with a thick layer of "ick" clouding the goods.
In what will be a long ride on "Idol" for Alaina, this performance will be noteworthy only in how she reacted when the judges didn't bow down to her and proclaim her the perfect jewel of music she believes she is. "I just didn't wanna do a ballad 'cause that's what everybody does," she pouted, having flashbacks to that time she was this close to being crowned Georgia Toddler USA 2004. Meanwhile, all mother-in-law could muster was, "She wore that?!"
Casey Abrams
Song: The Beatles' "With A Little Help From My Friends" (via Joe Cocker)
Verdict: Half-Cocked
Casey Abrams sang about getting high with his friends and I totally believed him, man. In fact, Abrams' appeal as a performer is all about the conviction. When it comes to vocal chops? Martin Short's old "SNL" synchronized swimmer sketch comes to mind. "I'm not ... a strong swimmer." At this point, the fact that Casey botched a lyric or two and missed high notes like he misses shaving is completely irrelevant. Steven Tyler called PastyLegs a "rainbow of talent, a plethora of passion." As long as producers keep giving him backup choruses to support, I'll be Team PastyLegs to the end.
Ashthon Jones
Song: Diana Ross' "When You Tell Me That You Love Me"
Verdict: Stop! In The Name of Music!
Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into the lame Diana Ross tune that was selected as an "Idol" charity single the year Anthony Federov was a hearththrob. I get that the judges name-checked Diana Ross in your critique last week, Ashthon, but what in the name of all that's holy propelled you to pick a song from Ross' stultifying adult contemporary years? And why would Jimmy Iovine want to subject Berry Gordy to Ashton's over-singing and under-delivering? And how could the judges sit there and find something positive to say? Simply put, it was terrible. No. Therrible.
Paul McDonald
Song: Ryan Adams' "Come Pick Me Up"
Verdict: Heartbreaker
Leave it to perpetually smiling Paul McDonald to take Ryan Adams' dark ode to being young, depressed, dysfunctional and drunk and turn it into a crowd-pleasing ditty worthy of a jig. I'm still cackling at the thought of J. Lo barking to an assistant, "Go to Best Buy and buy me every Ryan Adams album ever. What? There are 7,000 of them? Well then bring the Amex Black Card." Lopez — and any other "Idol" viewers who might be new to Adams' work — might be in for a shock when they check out Adams' original version, which has the, um, colorful language of a Scorsese flick.
In the room, Prince Paul's performance must have been a blast. On TV, it played exactly like one of Simon Cowell's famous critiques: Like one of your drunken family members got up to sing a song at a wedding reception. Paul was even rocking the untied bowtie! When I looked closely, I could see my mom in the wings asking the bartender for another glass of White Zin.
"I hope America gets it," was the collective shrug of an enthusiastic judging panel. Tyler at least called out Paul's pitch problems, right before shoving some kind of sucking candy in his mouth. Let's all pause for a brief moment to imagine what Steven Tyler's breath smells like. I bet it's like the umami of aromas.
Pia Toscano
Song: Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" (via Celine Dion)
Verdict: Vocal Adrenaline
Pia Toscano is young, gorgeous and can sing circles around most of the other contestants this year. So why wasn't she discovered before "Idol"? Easy! She has the personality of an honor student. (Maybe that's why she reminds me of a super-hot Winnie Cooper, or a grown up Rachel Berry.) Randy may have given Pia permission to cover Whitney/Celine/Christina songs, but in order for me to be fully enthused for a Pia performance, I want her to open up to us more. Right now we know her likes: Miss America gowns, songs that Gina Glocksen covered on "Idol," hitting power notes, her daddy. There's got to be more to her than that. Then again, Katharine McPhee made it to the season five finals with similar assets, so maybe pretty girls with pretty voices can get away with being blander than cafeteria food.
James Durbin
Song: Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed"
Verdict: Amazingly Restrained
James Durbin eschewed the Judas Priest heavy metal devil horns for Paul McCartney's puppy dog eyes. It was a welcome makeover, as was his haircut, tail removal and new George Michael earring. Without relying on his patented Fail Wail, Durbin showed off an appealing amount of control. Not to mention heart! I could see my mother-in-law falling in love with James in real time, although that bubble popped as soon as the words "massive ears" came out of her mouth.
On a separate (and admittedly catty) note, if Jimmy Iovine "didn't know kids out there were even singin' like that," he's in for a real treat Thursday night when Adam Lambert performs his latest single on the results show. Ahem.
Haley Reinhart
Song: LeAnn Rimes' "Blue"
Verdict: Wounded Yodeler
Haley's been covering "Blue" since she was eight years old. Do you think she always sang like a sexy dying animal? I think Haley's offbeat voice deserves a shot on "Idol" (and as I mentioned in last week's "Idol Party Live," I love a growling white girl), but with Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery dominating the Top 13, she should avoid the country genre the way the record buying public avoids yodeling albums.
On the fashion tip, mother-in-law was not a fan of Haley's blue (get it?) strapless number. "That dress is too old for her. I'd wear that dress."
Jacob Lusk
Song: R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"
Verdict: What Key Change?
There was a moment during Jacob Lusk's all-too-predictable "I Believe I Can Fly" where he blatantly ignored a key change. The song's second verse switched gears and he was all, "Talk to the hand. I'm staying in the original key because the Bible tells me so. If I open my mouth wide enough and tremble my lips, nobody will notice that this sounds like a rhino giving birth." He was wrong. Mother-in-law sighed, "He seems like a sweetheart! I want to like him but I do not like this." Randy Jackson called it "rough." The stormy background graphic was like a video mood-ring.
Lusk's performance also marked the second time this episode where "Idol" traipsed out a choir. Heck, you paid for them for Casey's performance, so why not get your money's worth? Let them be judges, too, while you're at it, since J. Lo is clearly exasperated. "You make it so hard for us to judge you!" Nevermind that whole second verse being completely off key thing. I suppose pitch has never been J. Lo's strong-suit.
Thia Megia
Song: Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" (via Michael Jackson)
Verdict: Half Grin
Apparently iThia doesn't know who Charlie Chaplin is, but don't hold it against her. Apple is still working on the 2011 software update. Her frame of reference is Michael Jackson's heavily orchestrated version. Ron Paul (who I remember from his skeevy appearances on "Be A Pussycat Doll For Five Minutes Before They Fire You" reality show) stripped down the arrangement to let Thia quietly entrance us with her vocals. Could it be that I'm actually feeling something during a Thia Megia performance?
The sparse instrumentation, the Jeremy Blake-inspired artwork behind her, the soft vocals, it was all so intriguingly melancholy (especially if you remember Page Miles' miserable bronchitis-affected cover last year, which was just plain depressing). But then the song switched into an embarrassing lite jazz shuffle, the same exact song you hear while on hold with Apple's customer service hotline. Something short-circuited in iThia too, because she began belting off key and shifting nervously on stage. Did somebody spill water on her? Somebody take her to the Genius Bar!
The judges were equally perplexed by the second half, which caused iThia to engage in "weepy teenager mode." Crap, how do you cheer her up? I never had the patience for those Tamagotchi pets.
Stefano Langone
Song: Stevie Wonder's "Lately"
Verdict: Disco Diva
Five things I learned while watching Stefano's performance.
1: To properly cover Stevie, you must be one with Stevie. Therefore, close your eyes at all times to achieve maximum blindness.
2: Stefano looks related to Jay Sean.
3: If you add a two-step beat to an old Stevie Wonder song, and if the person singing it has a theatrical voice, it will sound like a long lost b-side from Ethel Merman's disco album.
4: Volcanoes can soar, according to Steven Tyler.
5: He is the official heartthrob of Season 10. As per my mother-in-law, "Stevie doesn't have to worry about his [musical] competition. But Stefano's cute. Mmmmmmm."
Karen Rodriguez
Song: Selena's "I Could Fall In Love"
Verdict: Single Latina Female
Karen Rodriguez's mother dressed her up like Selena when she was younger. And now Karen is keeping the tradition alive by wearing a sequined scarf-and-pant outfit inspired by a Selena Barbie doll. Yet that wasn't the creepiest thing to come out of Karen's segment. At the end, after the judges had (wisely) panned her tepid Selena number, Karen explained her outfit and shouted out J. Lo as an influence. Again. Is anyone else getting the heebie jeebies from Karen's J. Lo obsession? She is already styling herself after her. Soon she'll be murdering Lopez's dog and sneaking into bed with Marc Anthony before stabbing him with a stiletto heel. I know how this ends.
Mother-in-law did not pick up on her Jennifer Jason Leigh-like tendencies. She was too distracted by her vocals. Her reaction? A stern, disapproving head shake from start to end.
Scotty McCreery
Song: Garth Brooks' "The River"
Verdict: Country Strong
Jimmy Iovine (and his Beats By Dre headphones) hinted that McCreery might want to switch things up this week, but Scotty's sticking to his guns, thank you very much, fancy music producer sir. He's a country boy with a deep twangy voice and he's not afraid to use it. "Idol" even shared a baby photo of Scotty in a cowboy hat! (A photo that was taken three weeks ago, mind you.)
Scotty's appeal can be summed up by my mother-in-law's reaction to him, which is transcribed verbatim: "He has such a big voice for such a young boy! Very mature sounding. In a good way! I think he's good. I wasn't planning on liking him. Oh, he's very good! [Whisper] I hate country music. [Giggle] [Toe tapping] He's just got a very good presence, too. He's young!"
Scotty McCreery, start practicing performing in front of confetti, and say goodbye to that high school baseball team for good. I'm calling it: You're going to win this year.
Naima Adedapo
Song: Rihanna's "Umbrella"
Verdict: Jamaican Her Crazy
Last week's near-elimination was a wake-up call for Naima. It's like she and "Idol" got together and said, "Naima as a Vegas showgirl covering Ella Fitzgerald standards? Pshhh, that's so last week. You might as well make a tiger blood reference." Adedapo re-branded herself as a hip-hop dancing, reggae-spouting bad-ass chick, a move that Jimmy Iovine thinks could land her all the way to the top ... five! (Backhanded compliments are still compliments, right?)
With the blessing (and collaboration) from "Umbrella" producer Tricky Stewart, Naima went all out with a performance that included popping, locking and for the first time in "Idol" history, singing in tongues! Unfortunately, her spin-pop-lock-squiggle-don't-forget-to-smile dance move at the top rendered her completely out of breath for the entire song. Actually, now that I type that, her almost-on-tune exhausting performance might have been the most appropriate Rihanna tribute ever.
"She's older than the others? I love the sneakers! I like the pants, too! And I like the raindrops. She didn't sing well but I found her package pretty good," said mother-in-law. The moral of the story? As long as you scream "boom fiyah!" in the middle of a performance, even Long Island moms will "overstand" what you're all about.
What did you think of Wednesday's episode? Did the Top 13 deliver for you? Did you facepalm when Seacrest teased a "West Coast/East Coast Battle" on the anniversary of Biggie Smalls' death? Was Steven Tyler's review of Pia Toscano ("You polished that apple. Happy International Women's Day today!") the strangest "Idol" critique ever? And while Tyler explained the hand fan and the eyeglasses on his desk, why didn't Seacrest ask him about the 400 pencils sitting there? And do you think Don Was is actively campaigning to play Pig-Pen in a live action "Peanuts" movie? Leave a comment below. And you know you want to follow me on Twitter @jambajim.
After the results show, don't miss Thursday night's (March 10) "Idol Party Live!" This week I'll be joined by Maura Johnston of Popdirt as well as season 10 criminal and cape enthusiast, Rachel Zevita! The show kicks off at 9 p.m. on MTV.com, and you can tweet us questions and comments using the hashtag #idolparty. Don't be late!