‘Jersey Shore’ By The Numbers: Goodbye Seaside, Hello Italy

In lieu of hiring an army of interns to keep a running tally of every f-bomb and Jagerbomb on this season of “Jersey Shore,” every time Sammi and Ronnie smushed and broke up and then smushed again, every tub of gel Pauly rubbed into his ‘do, every moment Snooki shared intimate details of her kooka — instead of compiling these epic reality show stats (and because, hey, even we’re not that mean to our interns), MTV News has been conducting a season-long investigation we call “Jersey Shore by the Numbers.”

Low budget in its presentation, utterly arbitrary in the words and phrases we choose to highlight, the graphs have nonetheless managed to give us insight into the cast’s rather unique way of thinking. And even if they haven’t, it’s been a pretty fun ride.

Except when it hasn’t. On Thursday’s (March 24) season finale, Ron and Sam were once again at each other’s throats, having arguments that went something like: “I love you!” “I hate you!” “I’m done!” “But I love you even though you’re a total bitch who I hope dies a fiery death. Call me!” Vinny and Deena joined in the verbal sparring as well, as a result of D’s attempts to prevent Vin from hooking up (who is she, Angelina?).

But about that fun! Snooki certainly had some, in her own strange way, after wrangling a dude into coming home for a boom-boom. “Whiskey d–k is definitely the best sex,” she explained. “It’s when a guy can have sex for five hours because he’s so drunk.” Romance!

Perhaps in the end, PowerPoint graphs or not, army of dedicated interns or not, there remains something elusive and unknowable about “Jersey Shore.” And on that note, we’ll leave you with a few words that may or may not correspond to the English language but which neatly sum up everything that can be said about the show. Takes it away, Snooks: “Get it all out, freaking do everything that you can, have sex with an old man, steal a plant and then get arrested and then do whatever.”