By Jett Wells
Andy Samberg has signed on to host the channel’s hugely successful “Shark Week” franchise (and even earned a snazzy new title, “Chief Shark Officer,” for his troubles), a move which either sets us up for a bunch of disappointingly mild Samberg jokes, or a horrific tragedy, “Crocodile Hunter” style. Either way, it’s a bizarre route for the Discovery Channel, and who knew Samberg was that into Great Whites? And though it’s probably not going to be funny or include any Justin Timberlake cameos (sigh), we’re still going to tune in (what can we say, we love sharks) … and, hopefully, we’ll see the following Samberg bits, re-imagined just for “Shark Week.”
Shark Bait in a Box
Okay, he doesn’t have to wear a mustache or douchey Italian suits (although they’d both work), but Samberg should bring his ‘D— in a Box’ bit to the deep waters. Instead of boxing his male parts, he could jump in the water and start swimming for his life as a Hammerhead tries to get his lunch out of box attached to his crotch. We might hedge on this idea, only because we want baby Sambergs to laugh at someday.
Shy Ronnie in a Shark Cage
Every now and then, when Samberg wants to get up close and personal with a new shark species, he should go down in the cage as Shy Ronnie and cry underwater. After all, human tears attract sharks (we think). Also, maybe he could get Rihanna to cameo.
I’m on a Boat (feat. T-Pain)
Every episode should have a short bit where T-Pain comes to visit Samberg for a quick hangout somewhere around the world’s oceans, where they’d do various Auto-Tuned things and feed the sharks blinged-out Tuna. Maybe, at one point, T falls in and is devoured too. That would only be fair to the viewers.
For special occasions, Samberg should wear a wetsuit with a painted-on bow tie, and “Creep it” by scoping out beach babes swimming near the coast with a dorsal fin on his head. We’re just going to assume Nicki Minaj wouldn’t be down with the whole hanging-out-with-sharks idea anyway, so she can sit this one out.