Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low, because tonight the tenth insane season of “American Idol” is coming to a close.
It’s a cycle that brought us singing cleaning ladies, a scatting jazz freak, a galloping Nashville indie heartthrob, a growling sex kitten piñata, a pyromaniac rocker, a gospel lovin’ spa concierge straight out of Compton, and, ultimately, two country fetus finalists who were born after Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” hit stores. With Simon Cowell on to bigger (and better?) projects, all eyes were on two new judges, more concerned with promoting their new singles than giving honest critiques.
Welcome to “American Idol X: Everybody’s Ridiculous (And Beautiful And Perfect!)”
The two hour seven minute finale spectacular kicks off at 8pm EDT, and I’ll be live-blogging every hot mess moment of it! The random cameos! The jaw-dropping group numbers! Randy Jackson’s sure-to-be-absurd outfit! And, of course, the results, although (spoiler alert) the winner is Scotty McCreery.
I’ll be reporting live from the Nokia Press Room, so in addition to the obligatory “8:02pm – Naima Adedapo just yelled ‘boom fiyah’ while cartwheeling” entry, I’ll also spill about what’s going on backstage. Two years ago, I caught Kris Allen fumbling through a Disney World promo. Four years ago, I spied Jordin Sparks wolfing down some post-victory CPK. (I believe it was the barbeque Thai pizza?) Who knows what secret treasures I’ll discover in the press room this year?
8:37 p.m.: Well! This might be the first ever live-blog that began 37 minutes late. Excuse me while I wipe egg off of my face. Sorry kids! I was busy chatting with Adam Lambert on the “Idol” red carpet, and then got stuck on an endless security line. But I’m here! And the festivities begin now. What have I missed?
8:40 p.m.: Kirk Franklin entered the press room and they cut the audio to Steven Tyler’s “best of” package. After two minutes of nobody asking him questions he left. (Poor thing.) But I’m thrilled because my girl Haley Reinhart is singing with Alec Baldwin dressed like Tony Bennett! “Steppin’ Out!”
8:42 p.m.: I think Tony Bennett’s latest “Italian Grandma” look really suits him. I love that cat. But he needs to keep his paws off my girl Haley Reinhart.
8:44 p.m.: And now we get an edited piece all about how beautiful Jennifer Lopez is. And now J. Lo is moved to tears by it. This is a big moment in Women’s History, you guys.
8:46 p.m.: Remember that TLC reality show where they tried to find a new member after Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez’s tragic passing? Well, apparently Lil Jon won.
8:50 p.m.: Ryan Seacrest introduced Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw so that they could further confuse the Tim McGraw “Live Like You Were Dying” / Kris Allen “Live Like We’re Dying” thing.
8:58 p.m.: Joe Repka is back, continuing his voice-over career on “Idol.” Not gonna lie, this guy could have had a career in animated movies back in the 80′s, before celebrities cashed in and took over that market. Speaking of which: did I miss Jack Black and Casey Abrams?!!
9:01 p.m.: Marc Anthony is performing. Is it Dia De Las Muertas already?!
9:02 p.m.: J. Lo joined Marc Anthony on stage, and now they’re engaging in some sexy choreo. Yeesh, and I thought it was awkward when I walked in on my parents doin’ it when I was a kid.
9:07 p.m.: Casey, James (or as Seacrest just announced, “Casey James”) and the rest of the boys are doing a medley of Tom Jones songs. God help us if Jacob Lusk sings “Sex Bomb.”
9:09 p.m.: My “Idol” press room buddy Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! and I are noticing that the 2 finalists, Scotty and Lauren, look the least engaging and have the least amount of star quality during these group numbers. Whoops!
9:11 p.m.: Casey Abrams continues his “I’m going to make Jim Cantiello feel like a giant a-hole for not appreciating me on ‘Idol’ by being insanely likable on television every chance I get.” Well played, you grizzly bastard.
9:13 p.m.: When Tom Jones hits high notes, his eyes roll back all the way. (He also appears to have an extra eyelid, the way cats do. Suddenly “What’s New Pussycat?” makes sense.
9:19 p.m.: Fact: making Ford commercials is the most memorable thing you do when you’re on “Idol.” Oh wait, that’s not a fact. That’s a commercial. You tricked me, Ford!
9:20 p.m.: Scotty and Lauren gave their favorite teachers a new car. (Overheard in the press room. “Oprah does this better.”
9:21 p.m.: Scotty and his hot young teacher are totally probably doin’ it. (Irresponsible rumor mongering!)
9:22 p.m.: Lady Gaga + Aggro-crag + lampshade = just another Wednesday.
9:23 p.m.: Lyndsey Parker pointed out that Gaga is wearing a cross. I wonder if Scotty will kiss it.
9:24 p.m.: Lady Gaga and her dancer Mark Kanemura are trying to out “stage-sex” Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. I approve of this one-up-manship. Pia and Mark Ballas, GO FOR BROKE.
9:27 p.m.: Gaga and Mark end their coitus with a mock suicide. Romance is dead. Literally!
9:29 p.m.: 30 minutes ’til we hear the results of the biggest voter turnout in “Idol” history! Over one hundred million votes, only 49 million of which came from Nigel Lythgoe’s office! You’ve been a busy speed dialer, sir!
9:31 p.m.: Carrie Underwood and a contest winner are performing “Before He Cheats.” How quaint.
9:32 p.m.: I’m being told that the contest winner is actually “American Idol” finalist Lauren Alaina. I didn’t recognize her since she’s not dressed like she’s going to a sweet sixteen! My bad!
9:34 p.m.: I spy Kris Allen’s hilarious manager, Lizzie, behind Seacrest in the audience. Also in the crowd: Lee DeWyze, who does not look happy about not being asked to perform.
9:37 p.m.: “I don’t know much about guns but I’ve been shot by you,” sings Beyonce in her new song about doing the nasty. Jacob Lusk is backstage judging her so hard right now.
9:40 p.m.: “American Idol X: The Beyonce Experience.” I wonder if they’ll have B read the results?
9:42 p.m.: Commercial break drama!! They’re having technical issues with their North Carolina feed. I hope they fix it in time for air because if season three contestant (and perennial “Idol” correspondent) Matt Rogers isn’t on the “Idol” finale, we’ll have six more weeks of winter!
9:45 p.m.: “Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark” takes on “Idol.” Prayer circle, America. Let’s hope nobody dies on live TV in the next four minutes.
9:46 p.m.: Reeve Carney looks like Dave Franco and Kris Allen’s lovechild. (And with those six words, a new fan-fiction pairing is born. Sorry Kris.)
9:48 p.m.: Congratulations, “American Idol: Season 9!” You are no longer the biggest flop that’s ever been on the “Idol” stage!
9:49 p.m.: Am I paranoid or are “Idol” producers DEFINITELY watching my coverage this year? All season long I’ve been asking the voted off “Idols” who their favorite member of TLC is AND how they would fix the “Spider-man” musical. [waves to Cecile Frot-Coutaz.]
9:56 p.m.: Sophie’s choice! Moments into Steven Tyler’s performance, Bono and The Edge showed up for a press conference, thus cutting the audio from the audio feed. It’s okay. The reporters here are STOKED.
9:58: p.m.: U2′s manager just read what I wrote about the “Spider-man” musical and laughed. Whew. (She is also giving me free tickets to their summer tour. I didn’t even ask! Classy!!)
10:02 p.m.: SCOTTY McCREERY WINS! WE ALMOST MISSED THE RESULTS BECAUSE OF A TOM JONES PRESS CONFERENCE!!!!!
10:02 p.m.: Lauren Alaina is a very gracious runner-up. I think we all expected her to vomit on stage.
10:03 p.m.: Scotty McCreery thanked the “Lord” first and foremost. Good to know that verbally, he kisses crosses, too!
10:04 p.m.: Scotty spends his entire coronation performance in a various embraces with family members and cast members. “I love YOU this much. I love YOU this much. I love YOU this much.” No, Scotty. America loves YOU this much. Congrats, you deep-voiced wonder!
10:06 p.m.: Scotty McCreery was the first contestant we met from “Idol: Season X” thanks to a press clip Fox sent out touting the new judges’ panel months before the premiere. It is as if it was written in the stars. Or a producer’s notepad.
Just because the “Idol” season wrapped doesn’t mean the fun won’t continue. Join me on the final “Idol Party Live” tomorrow at noon Eastern on MTVNews.com. We’ll be discussing the results, the performances and we’ll be rolling back the best from my red carpet interviews. Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, Allison Iraheta, HALEY F****** REINHART, David Cook, Lauren Alaina, Tim Urban, Rodney Jerkins, Ray Chew, Judas Priest, Jack Black, Nikki McKibbin, Chris Richardson and probably even some more that I can’t remember right now.
And of course, I’ll have a Q&A with our new American Idol: Scotty McCreery.
What do you think of the winner? Are you excited for Scotty’s music? Will you be checking out the “Idol” tour this summer? Hit me up in the comments below, and for more “Idol” insanity, follow me on Twitter @jambajim!