By Zachary Swickey
The metal gods known as Metallica have settled down quite a bit over the years. Fans no longer refer to them as “Alcoholica,” and as the therapy sessions featured in their “Some Kind of Monster” documentary showed, they aren’t as concerned about keeping their intimidating image (remember the backlash they got just for cutting their hair back in ’96?). So, it doesn’t seem as crazy that they will soon be offering their own version of America’s most iconic board game: Monopoly.
Starting June 13, via their online store, Metallica will join ranks of the Rolling Stones, the Beatles and KISS, who have all previously been bestowed with the same distinction. To give you the gist, the previous custom edition of Kiss featured Gene’s boot and a satchel of money as possible tokens, Detroit Rock City and a KISS Pinball Machine as board spaces, and the cards of chance featured some interesting situations: “Took 2nd place in the Girls of KISS Beauty Contest. Collect $100!”
There are no further details on what Metallica’s board will entail, but don’t be surprised if the “Go directly to jail” space bears Napster’s logo, or you pull a card that reads, “Burned onstage by pyrotechnics and suffer third-degree burns. Lose a turn.”
We think some other artists deserve this board game treatment too, although, we kind of doubt these would show up on the shelves of Toys “R” Us soon.
Katy Perry’s Candy Land: How has this not already been done? Her music video for “California Gurls” was obviously inspired by this game, and Hasbro probably owes her for the free advertising.
Coldplay’s Risk: I know Coldplay isn’t the first group that comes to mind when attempting world domination using excessive force, but they are often dressed for the part. The Coldplay-infused Risk could feature the player conquering the globe through positive music and spreading peace rather than violence. Seems like a more modern and family-friendly version to me.
Kanye West’s Connect Four: I don’t have any clever or witty reason beyond the fact that the dude freakin’ loves him some Connect Four (despite the fact that Beyoncé owns him nine times out of 10). Even Jonah Hill got to battle it out with ‘Ye. Instead of black and red chips, the set should have platinum and gold plaques, because Yeezy has plenty of ’em.
Jay-Z’s The Game of Life (Special Baller Edition): From slinging in the ghetto to becoming the self-proclaimed “best rapper alive,” Jay is a self-made millionaire who has seen it all. Clothing line honcho, album label prez, NBA team owner, and upscale restaurateur are just a few of the hats that Jay dons. His “hard knock life” is the perfect basis for his own spin on the classic board game.
Lil Wayne’s Scrabble: If you’ve heard Weezy’s verses, then you already know his paradoxical rhyme-sensing abilities. Who else can pull off rhyming “alps,” “stealth” and “MILF” together? “SWAGGER” is worth 36 points if you can land on the triple-word score!