The Weezer Cruise Promises Awkwardness Ahoy

Weezer

On Tuesday (July 12), Weezer announced that they were partnering with Carnival Cruise Lines to launch a four-night voyage from Miami to Cozumel, Mexico called, appropriately enough “The Weezer Cruise” (aka “The whitest thing to hit the high seas since Thor Heyerdahl.”)

The inaugural cruise sets sail in January, and boasts a lineup that includes not just the Weez, but Dinosaur Jr — and solo sets by both J. Mascis and Lou Barlow — Gene Ween, Wavves, and something/one called the Yacht Rock Review (which is appropriate, considering both the venue and the general pallor of everyone aboard). Fans who purchase tickets get access to all the shows, plus an exclusive Q&A with Weezer on the ship’s lido deck, a photo op with the band and a sundry of other activities and amenities, including “swimming pools, water slides, relaxation decks, casino, mini-golf, ping-pong … [and] karaoke.”

Tickets start at just $699, though it should be noted that alcoholic beverages are not included (which is a shame, since being drunk is about the only way I’d be able to survive being trapped on a boat with Weezer fans). Then again, given the sheer amount of awkwardness that’s sure to transpire on board, perhaps booze isn’t even necessary. It’ll be The Love Boat, only if Rivers Cuomo was Captain Stubing and that bass player dude was Isaac the Bartender (he’d have to get really tan, of course).

As such, below are some awesomely awkward moments I envision aboard the S.S. Weezer.

» Rivers wears a Speedo. Like, the entire time.

» Mass panic ensues when fans discover asthma inhalers don’t work on the lower decks; thousands are hospitalized.

» It is discovered that Matt Sharp has been serving as the ship’s Activities Director since 1998.

» At one point, they decide to let the drummer sing a few songs. Oh, wait …

» Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, ship begins to take on water due to overwhelming weight of Buddy Holly glasses, white guys with afros, Asian girlfriends in the bridge deck.

» Brian Bell leads an unsuccessful mutiny, is forced to walk the plank in keeping with the Code of the Sea.

» In a Mentos-and-Diet-Coke-fueled moment of clarity, everyone on board suddenly realizes the Red album is pretty lousy.