To the profound events in the history of Italy (the construction of the Colosseum, the Black Death), we must now add two simple words: “Jersey Shore."
The Situation, Snooki and their pals journeyed to Europe's only footwear-shaped country earlier this year, and now the fist-pumping, fight-having fruits of their labor will hit the small screen when the newest season of the reality show kicks off on Thursday (August 4) at 10 PM ET. Italy, we're quite sure, will never be the same.
What will go down when Seaside Heights goes buck wild in the land that gave rise to Romeo, Juliet and Vito Corleone? Here are our five "Jersey Shore" hopes and dreams.
They Brought the Duck Phone
Earlier this week, we peeped some photos of the cast's palatial Italian digs right in the heart of Florence. We spied a Jacuzzi, some gaudy wallpaper and a bathroom large enough to contain eight guidos and guidettes moussing and mussing their 'dos before hitting the clubs. What we didn't see is the duck phone - the true breakout star from Seaside. The phone unleashed a defiant quack instead of a standard, yawn-inducing ring each time a call came in, flummoxing the housemates and leading Snooki to wonder, "What the f**k kind of person gets a duck phone to talk on?" The awesome kind, Snickers! The duck phone didn't make it to Miami a couple of seasons ago, but let's hope they've corrected the oversight in Italy.
Ron and Sam Won't Get Together
By the end of last season, even these two lovebirds had to admit their relationship - their crazy, ugly, sometimes sweet but more often infuriating bond - was not working for them, their housemates or the viewers at home. Ron and Sam are simply better single than they are together. Florence, no doubt, is full of eligible men and women. We're hoping the duo pursued new conquests rather than falling back into old habits.
Uncle Nino Visits the Homeland
Vinny's uncle first unleashed his impressive belly and his ridiculous vocabulary in season two, winning laughs, a legion of fans and the not-exactly-grateful attention of JWoww. Nino returned again the next season to gyrate with Deena and make us think the dude deserved a permanent spot on "Jersey Shore." At the very least, we have our fingers crossed that Nino took a trip across the Atlantic to hang with his nephew and steal a few scenes in the way only Nino can.
They Learned the Language
In March, before the cast headed off to Italy, MTV News gave the kids a little lesson in the Romance language that would soon be flowing all around them. We taught Pauly how to say "grenade whistle" ("fishio di granata") and Snooki how to shout "gorilla juice-head" ("succo capo gorilla"). Did the lesson stick? Will we see the cast dive into the rich history and culture of their temporary homeland in the way that only speaking the language can allow? Hey, these are hopes and dreams, after all.
The Situation Doesn't Eat a Sandwich While Pauly Gets It In
Remember that time when Sitch struck out with the ladies, cooked himself an egg sandwich and munched away in the bedroom while Pauly shagged a gal mere feet away? Yeah, that counts as one of the greatest moments in the history of the show, encompassing everything that is hilarious and troubling about "Jersey Shore." But like so many hilarious and troubling things, we hope it never, ever, ever happens again. So here's to Sitch and Pauly both getting lucky or, at the very least, one getting lucky and the other falling asleep on an empty stomach. Hey, here's to another awesome season of "Jersey Shore"!
The new season of "Jersey Shore" premieres tonight at 10 PM ET on MTV.