Here’s The Bon Iver Erotic Fan Fiction You’ve Been Waiting For

Bon Iver

Yeah, you read that correctly. It’s also the funniest thing you will read today.

We were recently alerted to the existence of Bon Iver Erotic Stories, a fan fiction Tumblr about having sexytimes with Justin Vernon. Now, before we go any further, let us start by saying that the whole thing is quite safe for work. This is more a work of comedic genius than a “50 Shades of Grey”-like exploration of anyone’s darkest, dirtiest urges for the rugged guitar strummer from the Wisconsin wilderness.

The blog’s creator is clearly out to have a bit of fun at Bon Iver/Vernon’s expense. But fans shouldn’t fret, the ribbing is gentle, we swear … just the way Vernon would no doubt like it.

Like the best Tumblrs (we’re looking at you, #whatshouldwecallme … we always are!), the idea is simple – just pictures of Vernon matched with short quips about frolicking sexily with the singer or the various oh-so-hipster romantic things he’s done for the object of his affection. The captions play so perfectly into the super sensitive man of nature persona that Vernon has going on that it’s impossible not to laugh.

Nothing has ever so accurately reflected our feelings about a musician! After the jump, check out our 10 favorite quips at Vernon’s touchy-feely expense.

1. Sometimes Bon Iver tenderly whispers, ‘Can I be the little spoon now?’

2. Today Bon Iver wrapped me in his flannel, which smelled like charred pine and licorice, and took me outside to show me a perfect spiderweb.

3. This morning, after our passionate and tender lovemaking, Bon Iver brought me fresh-brewed coffee in a mug he’d carved out of the branch of a tree that fell in the wind. I sipped it while he hummed and assembled his ice-fishing gear.

4. Bon Iver wouldn’t tell me what my surprise was, but when I awoke to the sound of Mendelssohn on an antique cello, I just knew.

5. Light flickers across his body. He’s trying not to fall asleep, because he still has stories to tell me. The handmade beeswax candles are burning low.

6. Bon Iver made me a dreamcatcher with feathers he collected on our nature walk. I dreamed about him – until he woke me up by gently biting my neck.

7. Bon Iver insisted on washing my hair, and afterwards he braided it, weaving in fresh lavender and pussy willow buds.

8. Last night we took a bottle of local wine to our goat field, spread out a blanket and made love under the stars. Bon Iver knows all the constellations and all the Native American myths.

9. Bon Iver heard me cough from the other room. I heard the door slam, and moments later he returned: with armfuls of lemongrass, humanely terminated free-range chickens and fresh greens, and he whipped up a soup to cure me. As he spooned it into my mouth, he kissed my throat and whispered, ‘That was a close one, baby.’

10. I’m at the farmer’s market with Bon Iver. We can’t decide which artisan cheese we like the most! We propped our bicycles against a bush and made love by the creek and then had raspberry pie.