By Brandon Specktor
If recent leaked documents are to be believed, the music and entertainment offerings at this year’s Olympic ceremony in England are going to be demi godly; The Who, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, Fatboy Slim, Kaiser Chiefs, Jessie J, the remaining members of Queen, and Russell Brand are all mentioned as likely performers.
But despite some early back and forth, it’s looking like one gig you can count on will be, of all things, a Spice Girls reunion.
There’s been on-again-off-again speculation about this reunion for a few months now, but Victoria “Posh” Beckham seemed to confirm over the radio today that, yup, the Spice Girls will play two songs to close out the games. Asked about a possible reunion, she said, “I don’t know about a comeback tour, but I loved being back with the girls…we are very excited about the Olympics.”
So get those “Wannabe” lyric sheets out and get practicin’ on re-masterin’ the best tongue-twister of 1996!
We’re pretty stoked to see Sporty, Scary, Ginger, Posh and Baby share the stage again. Their last gig together was in 2008, and since then the pop music landscape has only got more diva-centric. How will they adjust to the current musical climate? Can we expect a dubstep remix of “Wannabe”? (Oh God—it already exists!)
Only time will tell what the Spice reunion brings. But we’ll definitely be celebrating—and you know, we feel like the Olympic organizers should also do something to honor this unprecedented union of the greatest athletes in the world and one of the most legendary girl groups of all time. We’d like to submit the following five Spice Girl-themed Olympic Celebrations for the committee’s consideration:
1. Give every athlete Spice Girl nicknames. “Sporty” is already taken, so we’re gonna need some creativity here. Let’s see…Michael Phelps can be “Super Saiyan Spice.” Usain Bolt is “Showoff Spice.” And Serena Williams can be “Truly, Truly Scary Spice.” There’s three free ones. Y’all Olympic guys can fill in the rest.
2. Add “The Girl Power Cup: a third-wave feminism triathlon.” In this new long-form, three-part race, Olympians will compete to bring balance to gender politics. The first contestant to end exploitative reality television programming, equalize men and women’s pay in the workplace, and be elected president of a Western nation wins. Girls only.
3. Add the “2 Become 1″-legged race. Teams of two will stand back-to-back while a moderator binds their ankles, legs, waists and chests together with official “Spice Wire,” then compete in a grueling 100-meter hop. This is essentially a more important Sleeping Bag Race, or a way, way less awful and terrifying Human Centipede.
4. Add the “If You Wannabe a Champion” Singing Marathon. Each participating nation will elect one champion to recite the opening “I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want” tongue-twister unabated throughout the entirety of their Olympic itinerary (competitors in aquatic events may use snorkels or tap the lyrics on the poolside ledge in Morse Code, if preferable.) The last contestant to give up singing or pass out wins!
5. Make Athletes Wear Union Jack Mini-Dresses. All this controversy over Ralph Lauren’s outsourced American uniforms could be easily swept away if we simply asked competitors to Spice Up Their National Pride. In the spirit of Geri “Ginger” Halliwell and the glorious British Empire, let’s change the official Olympic apparel to glittery Union Jack mini-dresses. The clingy, aired-out material will probably be a blessing for male athletes, and—think about it—it’s basically the closest we can get to togas. Just as our ancestors wanted.