It has been five days since America took a machete to the seriously talented people on "American Idol," but as is always the case with this insane show, you just have to accept the results and move on. (Says the man who spent the day watching Katelyn Epperly's "The Scientist" on repeat. While clutching a homemade Allison Iraheta plush doll. And weeping.)
But we have a brand new Top 12 to (Ford) focus on. And, as it turns out, a brand new "Idol" stage which ... um ... looked exactly like last year's "Idol" stage. I'll give anyone five bucks if they can tell me how light-up stairs, giant screens on the floor and an elevated band equals "new."
On Tuesday night (March 16), the Rolling Stones offered up their classics to be Idolized. For those of you keeping score at home, the Beatles had two (!) dedicated theme weeks in 2008. In the eternal Beatles vs. Stones debate, I'm not sure whether that fact necessitates a check in the Beatles or Stones column. Thoughts?
In any case, the (new?) stage was set for a disaster. Nerves (x) a new stage (÷) the worst Top 12 ever"(+) beloved band's music (=) potential train wreck. And yet I wish Tuesday was that interesting. Instead, we got a lot of "Meh," one "Huh?!" and only a few performances we're likely remember in a week's time. (We also met a woman named Kelly Kelly, but we'll get to her later.)
Let's break down the contestants!
Song: "Miss You"
Verdict: Disco Ducky
Big Mike is coming off the deafening buzz from last week's gender-bending "This Woman's Work," so obviously he was going to pick a song from the Stones' Some Girls album. It was smart for an R&B dude to take the Rolling Stones disco tune, though I'm not so sure it was smart to inject said song with Michael Jackson grunts, sing the words "I want to kiss you" to a pit of 14-year-old girls and jump around like a giant bear being swarmed by bees. But his voice cut through the full band arrangement, so points there. And his pre-performance package made him even more likeable, as if that were even possible. Take a cute baby (watch your backs, Babysox and Baby Garcia), a supportive munchkin of a wife, a deceased mom who inspired Mike to take up music and put them in a magic pink blender operated by a koala and BAM — you get a smoothie of precious. (And that's precious, not "Precious." The "Precious" smoothie ingredients include stolen fried chicken and Mariah Carey's mustache.) When Simon called out Big Mike's dance moves as being "corny" and "desperate," Seacrest got all in Cowell's face, to which Simon sniffed, "We can sort this out in my trailer afterwards if that's what you like." Hahahomophobia! [Crickets.]
Song: "Play With Fire"
Verdict: Smokin' Hot
Didi debuted a new look for Rolling Stones week: A stank-faced Jersey mallrat from the '80s! Go back and check out at her outfit again, folks. The ponytail pulled to one side, the lacey tank top with weathered jeans, the angry "Don't you dare buy the same fuschia prom dress from Contempo Casuals as me" snarl. The girl was one scrunchie and two cans of AquaNet away from being Kevin Smith's childhood girlfriend.
I don't mean to take away from her ferocious performance. Read More...