In fact, your latest "incident" doesn't even crack our list of the Best Paparazzi Beatdowns — yes, we keep lists about things like this — if only because, based on the photo we saw, your right cross didn't actually connect with the photographer's face. (Nice form, though.) So, if you're looking to win your way into our hearts — and make our next list — well, then perhaps you should read on, and take notes.

Remember, practice makes make perfect, and since those paparazzi aren't going anywhere, we figure that with a little coaching, you'll make our list in no time. So for future reference, Lily, here's our list of the five greatest celeb-on-pap beatdowns in history.

#5: The Björk Bangkok Beatdown
In 1996, Icelandic ingenue Björk arrived at Bangkok's Don Muang Airport after a long flight, looking frazzled and on-edge. As she pushed her way past photographers, one female reporter snickered, "Welcome to Bangkok!," which sent B into a rage. She pounced on the unsuspecting woman, throwing haymakers and grabbing at her hair. The two spilled to the ground, the reporter squealed, and the incident has since become a viral sensation. Björk would later apologize, but early last year, she reportedly went after another paparazzo, tearing his shirt in half at an airport in New Zealand.

#4: Chris Martin
Seriously, who knew the curly-headed Coldplay frontman was a badass? In early 2008, Martin went off the deep end when photographers attempted to snap pics of him and his wife Gwyneth Paltrow leaving a hospital in New York. After one particularly snarky pop offered him congratulations (it was rumored that Paltrow was pregnant, hence the hospital visit) Martin reportedly shoved the man to the ground, swore at him, snatched his camera and told him to "have some respect." Of course, as he tried to get into a waiting car with the camera, a second photographer intervened, calling Martin "a jerk" and said (in the thickest New Jersey accent imaginable), "You give [the camera] back to him, or this door's getting broken." Sometimes, you sort of root for the celebs ...

#3: Kanye West's LAX Meltdown
In September 2008, Kanye West took exception to some overzealous paparazzi at Los Angeles International Airport, so the MC and his bodyguard expressed their displeasure by snatching some paps' equipment and rather gleefully smashing it. West and his bodyguard were arrested on charges of felony vandalism, though those charges were later reduced when it was revealed that the equipment was not valuable enough to warrant a felony charge. Still, West got significantly more gangster in just about everybody's book.

#2: Bald Britney's Umbrella Attack
Ah, the halcyon days of 2007 ... The image of a newly-shorn Britney Spears, dressed in shorts and a white hoodie, her eyes wide and manic, wailing on a photographer's SUV with an umbrella has become iconic, which is a pretty sad comment on our society. It was one of the lowest points in a very low period for the pop star, but happily both Britney and the Ford Explorer survived the ordeal, and have since moved on to bigger and better things.

#1: Sean Penn, The Living Legend
Sure, he's mellowed a bit over the past few years, but in the '80s, Penn was so well-known for his punch-ups with paparazzi that scuffles between celebs and photographers became known as "doing a Sean Penn." There were his memorable brawls with photogs when he was dating and married to Madonna, but the incident that made him a legend occurred in Macao in 1986, when he discovered a photographer hiding in his hotel room. Penn reportedly flipped out, grabbed the pap and hung him by his ankles off a ninth-floor balcony. He was arrested and charged with attempted murder before later being acquitted.

You've got a long way to go, Lily!

Lily Allen is looking for love. Lucky for her, so am I! OK, more like lucky for me. Truth is, I've always had a little crush on Lily, but it wasn't until she showed up yesterday for an interview did I realize that this girl is freaking awesome. Down to earth, cute as a button and just overall a really cool, honest woman. How refreshing!

Anyway, James did the interview, and I did the boyish giggling in the corner, managing to man up only at the end to ask for a photo. I have to admit we look pretty good next to each other!

But let's not go by looks alone. After all, Valentine's Day is coming up. And though Lily isn't husband-hunting, as so many tabloids claim, she is looking for L-O-V-E, dammit! So, Lily, I'll break it down for yah!

· I'm 6'1. OK, fine, I'm 5'10.

· I'm 100 percent Greek, which means I have a HUGE ... personality.

· I have a great sense of humor. Girls always say they need a guy with a sense of humor!

· I have visited London twice and loved it. Plus, I'm friends with Tim Kash, and he's British, I think. That's got to count for something right? On second thought, ignore the Tim Kash thing. Good dude, but he works in the media. Shhh!

· My perfect date night is a couple of drinks and some good old conversation. Goes with my old-school romantic side.

· You don't strike me as a money-hungry girl (since you've sold, like, a couple million records), which is great because I'm not rich. I did, however, just play Mega Millions, and I'm feeling pretty good about my numbers.

· Something tells me you like to party. So do I! This is going well. I can feel it.

· I love traveling. Going on tour with you for your new record is totally not an issue for me. I can even be a roadie!

Let's be honest. You're a famous pop star; you got guys all over you. I'm just a TV producer for a sort of well-known music channel. But I'll just put it out there: If you need a date for Saturday, give me a call! Or have your people call my people (which would be me). Anyway! I'll be around, drinking, watching TV and crossing my fingers that I see 9-17-30-45-25 and Mega Ball 2 come on the screen. Happy Valentine's Day!

But since you insist on picking public fights (watch your back, Elton) — not to mention refusing to wear a top at the beach — there you've gone and done it again: You claim on your Facebook page that you "have Katy Perry's number" and that you're just "waiting for her to open her mouth one more time then it hits Facebook," according to England's tabloid of record, The Sun. The paper also claimed you've joined the "I hate Katy Perry and her dumb-ass song 'I Kissed a Girl' " Facebook group, as well as the "Katy Perry? Who in the hell does she think she is" clique.

(Frankly, we can't find the post, which appears to have been deleted, so we'll have to swallow our pride and trust The Sun. But just this one time.)

Though you appear to have thought better of leaving that post up, I was able to find an interview you recently gave to England's Metro that has drawn fire. You quipped, "I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem at all ... But we never hear that side of the story. I have no statement to make, I just wish people wouldn't sensationalize this thing that just exists ... The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you — you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true."

The upside? You said you no longer use cocaine yourself. But then you complain that your label didn't give you the rock-and-roll treatment some of your predecessors got. "I'd have been booked in at the Ritz with 5 grams of cocaine on my table."

Lily Allen is for the children.

But there's one thing we always agree on: Neither of us will give an inch when it comes to Lily Allen. James, for instance, thinks the British popwreck is simply brilliant, witty and entertaining as she barrel rolls, seemingly with no shame gene, from one outrageous act to the next, frequently with one of her naughty bits hanging out.

Me? Not so much. Though initially charmed by her devil-may-care attitude, I now find her more tiresome than an Amy Winehouse health scare. So it was no surprise that we disagreed about Allen's recently unwrapped cover of Britney's "Womanizer." Producer-of-the-moment Mark Ronson debuted the song on Friday during his "Authentic Sh--" show on East Village Radio, though it's unclear whether he actually produced it.

Changing up the beat from a relentless electro hammer to the forehead into a kind of 1960s smoky girl-group trifle backed mostly by a two-note repetitive jazzy piano riff and some spare drums, Allen has set the table for her upcoming album, It's Not Me, It's You, by showing her relevance in the pop world.

Or has she? James dubbed the song "kind of boring" and said he thought it was just "all right." But I actually kind of like it. There was something about its quaintly throwback girlie vibe and bored-sounding resignation that tamed the glaring spite in the Britney version with a refreshing dose of killing-'em-with-kindness bite that, in some ways, is even more cutting than the original.

What do you think of Allen's cover?

· Mötley Crüe shout at ... their former manager. The band has filed a suit against Burt Stein and his companies, alleging that Stein screwed them out of lots of cash.

· It's the battle of the century! Perez Hilton has been saying mean things about Lily Allen, and she's pissed! Go, Lily go!

· Michael Jackson might be coming out with his own clothing line. Blah, blah, blah, designer surgical mask joke.