But for now, it's time to live-blog the "American Idol" finale! Yay!

8:01 pm - Seacrest is introducing the judges with fun little montage that reminds us why they're the worst judges on television. Also, Randy Jackson borrowed a bow-tie from (Mrs.) J. Alexander on "America's Next Top Model."

8:06 pm - What's the worst part about being an "Idol" finalist? Having to sing songs about mountains and hurricanes or being forced to wear all white on the finale? At least Adam's wearing space boots.

8:06 pm - Mikalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas. This is the first time they've seen a real live drag queen. It's a night of firsts!!

8:07 pm - Carly Smithson is in San Diego. Oh no! Has Carly already become Mikalah Gordon-famous?

8:08 pm - The top 13 (remember that?!) are singing Pink's "So What." Although they edited out all the lyrics about ex-husbands and liquor. Also, if you mute your telelvision you can hear all of America saying "Oh yeah, remember Jorge and Jasmine?"

8:10 pm - Dear Michael Sarver, stop being a camera-whore. You're not the one we're tuning in for.

8:14 pm - David Cook is singing the song "Permanent." It's nice that he gets to perform so early so he can go home afterwards. You know that guy's like, "I got bigger fish to fry than this dog and pony show. I already won 'American Idol.'I'm David friggin' Cook." He sounds phenomenal. Absolutely pitch-perfect. Hey Adam Lambert, you got a lot to live up to.

8:18 pm - I don't know how we was able to sing that song so well, considering it's so personal to him. His brother died, like, three weeks ago. What a trooper. Color me blown away by David Cook.

8:19 pm - Seacrest to David Cook: "You're giving up your 'Idol' crown tonight!'" David Cook: "I can't wait to get this albatross off of me!"

8:19 pm - Oy. They're still doing these Golden Idol Awards? Sigh. Bikini Girl walked the red carpet, so I guess she's gonna be "honored" tonight. Fun fact: the Fox News Channel was REALLY excited to interview her. Kinky bastards.

8:22 pm - Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell won the first prize. He's dressed in a very stylish hoodie. He seems really flustered. Did he really not know he was winning an award?

8:24 pm - BWAAAAHAHAAHAH! We've been Gentled again. He ripped off his clothes and he's rocking out "And I Am Telling You." Normund Gentle is a comic genius. I am not kidding. This guy needs to have his own show, hell, his own CHANNEL.

8:25 pm - "Normund Gentle '09 Peace Out." I love that guy more than I love my cats. That's saying a LOT.

8:25 pm - Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah are performing together. I'm so happy they're doing duets this finale!! Yay!!! Queen Latifah's sporting the same haircut as Kate (from Jon & Kate Plus 8).

8:27 pm - Remember when Queen Latifah did a remix of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face?" Do we think Queen Latifah knew that the song was about being a latent lesbian when she remixed it? Whoops!

8:29 pm - Pee break! (TMI?) While I'm gone, you should check out my "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap from last night's performance show

8:33 pm - We're back and Anoop is singing "I'm Your's" by Jason Mraz. And now there's Alexis Grace! And now there's Jason Mraz!! He told me on the red carpet that he was nervous about singing and walking down the stairs at the same time. He did well!

8:35 pm - Least shocking development: the blind guy still can't dance.

8:35 pm - Taped piece about Kris Allen's "Idol" journey. Can you say, "filler?"

8:37 pm - Kris Allen and Keith Urban are singing "Kiss A Girl." I wonder why they didn't have Adam sing this song...

8:38 pm - Do you think Nicole Kidman is there tonight? Last night we had Katie and Suri, tonight we have Nicole Kidman. Maybe Mimi Rogers will appear in the Fox Reality After-Show? If Nicole Kidman is hanging out backstage, Keith Urban should keep her away from Kris Allen. We know she has a thing for short pretty boys.

8:45 pm - The ladies of the top 13 are singing "Glamorous." It seems weird to hear Jasmine Murray sing this song, since people wouldn't recognize her even if she walked outside with a giant sign that read, "My name is Jasmine Murray!"

8:46 pm - Fergie has joined them! Now they're singing "Big Girls Don't Cry." Get it? Cuz they're all girls?

8:47 pm - Allison keeps getting solos...unfortunately the solos are comprised of her simply introducing other celebrities. "Ladies and gentleman...Fergie!" (Subtext: "Ladies and Gentleman, producers won't let me sing on tonight's show because then America will realize that they made a terrible error and the show producers didn't properly pimp me.")

8:48 pm - The Black Eyed Peas with Zebra Man Group are performing"Boom Boom Pow." This song makes me thing of Lil Rounds' butt. Anyone else?

8:49 pm - Randy Jackson is loving the Black Eyed Peas. And I love watching Randy Jackson bop his head.

8:51 pm - Arrrrghhhh. Why are we giving Bikini Girl more screen time?

8:53 pm - Bikini Girl is in a business suit. Just kidding, her boobies are hanging out. She's in a bikini.

8:53 pm - Seacrest: "I'd ask you what's new but I think I know." SEACREST WINS!

8:54 pm - Okay, so sure, Bikini Girl can't sing. But that didn't stop us from voting for Lil Rounds.

8:55 pm - OMG Kara is duetting with her. "Sing Off 2: Electric Boogaloo!" Kara DioGuardi: Bad Judge, (Usually) A Good Songwriter, Great Singer.

8:56 pm - Kara ripped off her dress and is wearing a bikini, too. AHHH! I LOVE LIVE TELEVISION!

8:57 pm - Kara DioGuardi, all is forgiven. (Until I hear "No Boudaries" on the radio.)

8:58 pm - Taking bets...how long before Bikini Girl does porn? If she was smart, she'd have one hit the streets tomorrow. But knowing her, she'll wait 5 years when people have forgotten about her.

9:00 pm - ALLISON IRAHETA + CYNDI LAUPER = BRILLIANT. I refuse to live-blog this performance. I'll be back when it's over. I need to take this in. Excuse me for a moment...

9:03 pm - It was cute. But the round robin stuff was a little wonky. Also, why did Allison have to do the harmonies? Let the girl sing the melody!

9:04 pm - Checking in with Kris' parents. Kris' mom is going to regret wearing that dress.

9:05 pm - Danny Gokey and Lionel Richie duet alert! Gokey got to do "Hello" solo first. And now they're singing a song I don't know. It must be off Lionel's new album nobody cares about.

9:07 pm - "All Night Long!" This is perfect! Lionel and Danny are equally cheesy! Remember when Lionel opened up the American Music Awards with this song? And it was like Mardis Gras? And it lasted 10 minutes long? This is like that. Except instead of watching half-naked ladies dance in head-dresses, we're watching Danny Gokey do the samba. So...upgrade?

9:12 pm - Jason Mraz is in the press room talking about his carbon footprint. This experience is SURREAL.

9:14 pm - We're back! The judges are caught rushing into their chairs. Their jobs are so hard, you guys.

9:15 pm - Adam's Idol Journey. He's been performing since he was 10 years old. Kris Allen fans are going to complain that that's unfair. "Kris has just been singing for, like 6 months. Adam's a PROFESSIONAL!" Diehard "Idol" fan-bases are intense.

9:16 pm - Holy. Yes. Adam Lambert is wearing a giant contraption around his shoulders. Is this his way of coming out of the closet to America? He is FIERCE! And is he singing "Beth" by KISS? Awesome!

9:18 pm - Kiss is 80 years old. But this is making me so ridiculously happy.

9:20 pm - HAHA! Queen Latifah just showed up to be interviewed in the press room and when they cut the audio feed of the show, the entire place REVOLTED! People booed! And then Queen waited patiently for Adam and Kiss to finish to take the stage.

9:21 pm - God bless Adam Lambert for keeping "American Idol" fresh again. Ironic that all it took was a dude who sings like it's 1987.

9:25 pm - Nothing says "the search for the next great vocalist" like a guitar solo from Carlos Santana.

9:26 pm - Oooh, Matt Giraud is singing "Black Magic Woman." He sounds better than ever.

9:27 pm - Groan. Now the top 13 are singing "Smooth." I never liked this song. Although I love Adam getting the lyric about "seven inches."

9:27 pm - Nice, "Idol." Let Jorge, the one Latin guy, get a solo on the Santana song. Maybe Andrea Bocelli will come out and Scott can go to town.

9:30 pm - Kris and Adam got new Fords! Yay! Aren't they happy that "Idol's" sponsor isn't something like Spam or Summer's Eve?

9:30 pm - "Please welcome Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and Steve Martin." I'm dreaming, aren't I?

9:32 pm - This isn't nearly as God-awful as I expected it to be. In fact, it was really adorable! And boy, Megan Joy is hotter than ever.

9:35 pm - We're 95 minutes in, and this finale is pretty great!! Lots of integration of all the "Idol" contestants, not too many bad auditions. Janice Dickinson's been giving bats*** reaction shots in the crowd. I'm pleased.

9:38 pm - And we're back! The top boys are singing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." No, Danny Gokey. I don't think you're sexy. Scott MacIntyre on the other hand? I'd totally go gay for that one. Sizzle!

9:40 pm - Rod Stewart alert!!! He's coming up the stage the same way Adam Lambert did yesterday. Except he's singing like an old pepaw in a nursing home. "Did you steal my slippers? When's lunch?"

9:42 pm - Hi Bo Bice!

9:42 pm - Oh lord, now grandpa's clapping above his head while he sings.

9:43 pm - Janice Dickinson's air guitar rules.

9:43 pm - Somebody put this guy out of his misery. He's shouting "MAGGIE! MAGGIE!" Is that his caretaker? Oh, he's singing "Maggie Mae." Sorry.

9:44 pm - Another award. This one's for the females. I don't remember these auditions at all. Anyone? Anyone?

9:46 pm - I heard the BEST story from an unnamed source who may or may not have been in the Top 36 with Tatiana. Story goes, the top 50 had to fill out intense psychological tests. And Ju'Not Joyner got up in the middle of the room while they were taking the test and said, "Tatiana, when they put your scan-tron in the machine it's gonna go kabloom!!!" HAHAHA!

9:47 pm - Tatiana del Toro wins Best Female and storms the stage. Seacrest claims he's going to commercial but this was all set up. I'm happy Tatiana can poke fun at how insane she is.

9:48 pm - Oof. I have the worst headache. You dare me to ask Kiss if they have aspirin? They're about to enter the press area.

9:52 pm - Kris and Adam are singing "We Are The Champions." Does this mean Queen's coming out?

9:53 pm - YES!! Queen + a queen + Kris Allen.

9:53 pm - Question - do you think Danny Gokey's all "Freddie Mercury died two decades before I auditioned for 'American Idol?'"

9:54 pm - This performance would be 900 times better if they didn't put SwayBoys ON STAGE with the finalists. No!

9:55 pm - As awesome as that was, I was really pulling for Kris and Adam to sing "More Than Words" by Extreme. It would have suited both of their voices perfectly. And remember that music video when the couple is sitting on the couch and then wave their lighter midway through? I always loved that moment. I had a lighter in my hand ready to go. But, alas, Queen. It's cool. There's always next year.

9:57 pm - My headache is turning into a full-blown migraine. Lovely. Expect me to look like I'm in agonizing pain in my "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap tomorrow morning. Boo.

9:59 pm - It's judgment time, folks! Kris or Adam?

10:00 pm - Simon to the finalists: "The future's all yours." He's right. These guys both have big careers ahead of them. Can't wait to get to interview them once their albums come out...

10:00 pm - And the winner is........

10:01 pm - KRIS ALLEN?!!!! GASP!!!! Adam Lambert fans, you have Rickey.org to thank. Go Tender Puppy! Go Sexy Face! Go Kris Allen!

10:02 pm - Kris Allen: "Adam deserves this." Wow. And now he gets a trophy! First, Kara. Now the winner trophy. Season 8 was the season of pointless additions.

10:03 pm - Right this moment, the mainstream press is writing endless articles about how Middle America didn't vote for the gay guy.

10:03 pm - Kris Allen's Child Bride is in shock.

10:05 pm - There are no boundaries. Adam Lambert begs to differ.

And with that, we have a new American Idol. What do you think? Is this the biggest "Idol" upset ever??? Will Adam Lambert fans boycott the show next season? And is Adam better off not having to sing "No Boundaries" ever again?

I'm dying to hear your thoughts/reactions/etc. Hit me up in the comments below.

And, if I may, I'd like to thank all of you for a really fun season. I always looked forward to reading your hilarious observations. (And the fan mail was nice, too.) You guys rock. I'll see you next season, God willing. Now I urge everyone to watch "So You Think You Can Dance." It's the best show on television. Blows "Idol" out of the water!!

No boundaries!!!

10:15 pm - BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!! The press room left the feed up after the show went off the air and I NEEEED to share what I just witnessed. Right after Kris won, he was whisked away to backstage, where a crew was waiting for him to say "I'm going to Disney World!" Kris, being a low key dude, wasn't giving the producer what he wanted. "Be more excited!" Kris tried to up the energy. "I'm going to Disney World!" "You can do better than that! SCREAM IT!" Kris tried again. The producer pushed more. Kris tried again. And then an "Idol" stage manager rushed in and started yelling at the other producer. "That's the best you're gonna get! Let him be himself! He doesn't do excitement!" I'm so depressed that I witnessed that. Okay, I'm done now. Thanks for reading!

It's here! It only took us 38 episodes, 17 weeks and one Tatiana del Toro, but the "American Idol" finale is just moments away!

Tonight I'm live-blogging from the actual honest-to-Gokey "American Idol" finale - but don't get too excited. I'm not in the auditorium with the judges and the random celebrity guests and the Seacrest. I'm in a "press viewing party" in the basement of the Nokia Theatre, squeezed in between other (sweaty) media outlets and watching the show on a monitor. This is the glamorous underbelly of showbiz, folks, and taking a look around the room, I'd say put the emphasis on belly.

For those of you who need to get caught up to speed on tonight's proceedings, it's Battle Royale between Adam Lambert, a theatrical screaming banshee who revitalized the aging competition with a unique style and a coy/savvy depiction of his sexuality, and Kris Allen, a humble newlywed from Arkansas who started the season as cannon fodder but slowly but surely gathered tons of fans with his boyish good looks, consistent vocals and acoustic interpretations of unexpected pop hits. His greatest achievement thus far? Kicking judge's fave Danny Gokey out of the competition last week.

Each singer will be tackling three songs tonight. One is a repeat from earlier this season (which is never as good as the first time they sang it), one is Simon Fuller's choice (he's the executive producer who also made "Spice World," so perhaps one song will feature the lyrics "Zig-a-zig-ah") and the last one is the coronation song/winner's first single, co-written by 4th-judge/show-ruiner Kara DioGuardi. (I kid, Kara. Can't wait to have you back next season.)

Okay, let's get on with the live-blogging!

7:56 pm - Holy crap you guys, I literally almost missed this. Somehow I got seriously lost in the 4 blocks between my hotel and the Nokia Theatre. I hate cars.

7:59 pm - Sixty seconds away!! (Nice way to plug my 60 Second Recaps, ain't it?)

8:00 pm - Gasp! It's on the monitor but there's no volume! It's mutiny in the press room! GAHHH!!!

8:01 pm - Crisis averted. The audio kicked in just as Kris and Adam were saying "I am the next American Idol" during their auditions. How much you wanna bet they went back and re-taped that yesterday?

8:02 pm - Camryn Manheim alert! She was there last year, too. Her son looks like he's off his meds. It's okay, kid. I'd be jumping up and down like a maniac if I was allowed to be inside the auditorium, too.

8:03 pm - Seacrest called it the battle between "the guy next door and the guyliner." Or he was announcing the name of a porno he was producing.

8:03 pm - Carly Smithson in the audience! Also Casey Carlson! $5 if you remember either of them.

8:04 pm - Seacrest tells America that tomorrow night's results show is gonna go long, so set your DVR's accordingly. They had to add an extra 5 minutes to the show so that Steve Martin could hock his Banjo album. I'm not making that up. Steve Martin is performing tomorrow night.

8:05 pm - Commercial break math quiz. Steve Martin + a banjo - comedy = ???

8:06 pm - And the answer is "something I don't want to see on the 'Idol' finale thank you very much."

8:06 pm - Anyone else notice that Kara got the quietest applause during the intros? If this were the Oscars In Memorium montage, Simon Cowell was Heath Ledger and Kara DioGuardi was the sound recordist for "Ishtar."

8:08 pm - I can hear the stage manager and the audience next door. This is just cruel. But at least they gave us free wraps.

8:09 pm - Breaking news brought to you by Coke: Adam Lambert has been shrieking since infancy.

8:09 pm - Adam's doing "Mad World" again. He is rising from under the stage wearing a black trench coat. At least I think that's him. I can't tell from all the smoke.

8:10 pm - This is absolutely brilliant. Okay, Kris Allen. You can go eff yourself. I'm voting for the superhero tonight.

8:12 pm - Randy loved that he started off quiet. Kara is saying something she pre-wrote.

8:13 pm - Anthony Hopkins is dying in the audience. Do we know what his deal is yet? Eeek!

8:14 pm - Danny Gokey is dying in the audience, too, but in a different way. This was supposed to be your now, buddy.

8:14 pm - Simon thought it was over-theatrical. WHAT? Isn't that the whole point of Adam Lambert? You never thought his past performances were over-theatrical...

8:16 pm - Kris is singing "Ain't No Sunshine" with just a piano. Woooowwwww.

8:17 pm - The band kicked in. Kris Allen is a superstar right now.

8:18 pm - The band dropped out and it's just Kris and a piano again. Well-done, buddy! You're putting up a fight. Granted, this is the sissiest fight in the history of fights, but boy, what a fight!

8:19 pm - Randy loved it. Kara is saying something she pre-wrote. "You're making it feel like you're singing it to US." The woman sitting next to me just rolled her eyes. I don't know who she is or what outlet she works for her but we are going to be best friends before the show's over.

8:20 pm - Simon just apologized for giving Kris the stink-eye last week Danny Gokey got eliminated. "I take all that back now." Kris is in it to win it. What a finale! AHHHHH!!!!!!

8:21 pm - Simon calls round one for Kris Allen. Gasp! I don't know that I agree, but it's neck and neck. Adam's performance was pretty iconic. I loved the theatrics. If you can't get all goth'd out during a song from "Donnie Darko," then when can you? Simon's wrong.

8:23 pm - So who do you think won round one? Comment me below!

8:24 pm - Also, Seacrest needs to stop with the boxing analogies.

8:25 pm - Simon Fuller chose "A Change Is Gonna Come" for Adam Lambert. BOLD! No doubt, Mr. Fuller. A black president and a (probably) gay Idol in the same year?

8:26 pm - Adam has not done his tongue-wagging scream yet tonight. Do we think he's saving it for his final song?

8:26 pm - Remember last week when Simon said Gokey's "You Are So Beautiful" was a "vocal master class?" Dear Simon. THIS is a vocal master class.

8:27 pm - Um...I'm actually tearing up in the press room. That was beautiful, powerful, emotional. Keep it together, Jim. KEEP. IT. TOGETHER.

8:27 pm - Although I just giggled when he sang about being down on his knees.

8:28 pm - Kara says it was his best yet. Paula said it was his best ever ever ever. (She's high on life tonight, ain't she?) Simon says Adam's back in the game.

8:29 pm - KATIE HOLMES AND SURI CRUISE ARE IN THE HOUSE!!!!! I REPEAT, KATIE HOLMES AND SURI CRUISE ARE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:30 pm - I just shouted that out loud in the press room. People think I'm nuts. My friend just got up and moved away from me. Me = loser.

8:30 pm - I'm actually worried for Suri, guys. That room seems way too loud. Poor thing was frightened like a small animal.

8:31 pm - I just text messaged Alex Wagner-Trugman, who's in the audience tonight. He better get a pic with Suri.

8:35 pm - Simon Fuller picked "What's Going On" for Kris Allen. I love all this socially-conscious music. Simon Fuller is making a statement! Other songs he considered for the finalists: "Ain't Gonna Play Sun City", "Hands Across America" and Hear'n'Aid's "We Are Stars."

8:36 pm - It's pretty telling that I just had time to think of 3 other socially-minded songs. That was decent, but not mind-blowing.

8:37 pm - Randy didn't think it was "big" enough. Kara said something pre-scripted. Paula said the words "tore up" and "Marvin Gaye" in the same sentence, which strikes me as distasteful for some reason, and Simon thought it was like a bunch of kids sitting in a room singing Marvin Gaye. Adam wins round two "by a million percent."

8:38 pm - Commercial break math quiz: What would "a million percent" look like, numerically?

8:39 pm - Some night, right? It all comes down to the final round - Kara's (hopefully not cheesy) coronation song, "No Boundaries." I suspect Lou Dobbs is going to hate this song.

8:42 pm - Yikes! I just saw the pic of me on the mtvnews.com homepage linking to the live-blog and it might be the worst picture ever. HAHA! Also, I need a haircut.

8:43 pm - Annnd the new "idol" song sounds like every other "Idol" coronation song. "Climb every mountain," "roads to nowhere," "dreams," "care" "you can go higher, you can go deeper, there are no boundaries." "Make it through the pain." WORST! SONG! EVER!

8:45 pm - Adam's trying his best to make this song not terrible, but he's not doing it. Did Kara DioGuardi ruin Adam Lambert's chances?

8:45 pm - Actually, Adam Lambert ruined Adam Lambert's chances. He hit some seriously gnarly notes in there. Oh no!

8:46 pm - Paula Abdul: "Adjectives can't express what you've brought to this show, season eight." How does one bring an adjective? Wouldn't you theoretically have to bring a noun?

8:47 pm - Simon is dissing the song's lame lyrics. And Kara groans, "I know! I know!" Oh, you know your song is s***? Real nice.

8:48 pm - Paula and Simon somehow praised Adam without any mention of his performance. The pimping continues.

8:49 pm - Most ominous toss to commercial ever: "Kris takes on the same song...after the break." And America just changed the channel. I don't think I'm the only one who can survive hearing that crapfest again, no matter who's singing it.

8:51 pm - I'm so jet-lagged and confused and hungry right now. I didn't imagine Suri Cruise sitting in the audience, did I? Now I'm starting to doubt myself.

8:52 pm - 30 seconds to live.... yep, I can still hear the stage manager. 5, 4, 3, 2, LIVE!

8:53 pm - Kris Allen can't pull off this song either. OMG HE JUST FORGOT THE LYRICS! It's okay. It's better as an instrumental!

8:54 pm - Kris looked absolutely pained to sing this song. His voice is giving out. This is a depressing car wreck. I hate to say it. The only person who could have polished this turd is Danny Gokey...

8:56 pm - Randy likes the song better for Kris. Kara wants people to forget that performance. Ack! Simon is pimping Kris hardcore right now. It only took him 17 weeks!

8:57 pm - I FINALLY realize who Kris Allen looks like. Remember Gabriel from this season of "Make Me A Supermodel" who couldn't stop pouting? I'm so glad I figured that out. It's been hounding me since he first performed "Man in the Mirror." Whew, what relief.

8:59 pm - Phone number montage makes it crystal clear: Adam Lambert is our next "American Idol."

9:00 pm - Carrie Underwood is performing "Home Sweet Home" while a highlight reel rolls behind her. You'd think after 5 seasons of "Idol," someone would have taught Carrie Underwood a new dance move. The knees-bent waving back and forth swaybot thing isn't any more endearing now that she's a zillionaire.

So what do you guys think? Does Adam have it in the bag? What was your favorite performance tonight? And most importantly: do you think Suri is a Glambert or an Allen girl? Leave your comments below!!!

And be sure to come back to the Newsroom Wednesday night. I'll be live-blogging the 2+ hour "Idol" results show super duper finale!! And before that I'll be hitting the "Idol" red carpet, so if you guys have any questions you want me to ask the Top 13 (and any old "Idol"s you likely don't care about any more) leave 'em below.

Thanks for reading and watching with me tonight!

Tonight's "American Idol" live-blog is dedicated to Allison Iraheta, my personal Idol. In honor of the recent oustee, I expect all of you to refuse to give me any credit I might deserve in this live-blog. Your comments should be comprised of backhanded compliments, faint praise and "that ones" while you over-praise other bloggers who are lazy and aren't deserving of their unstoppable success. Deal?

Check out Jim Cantiello's video recap of the show below!

We now resume with our regularly scheduled live-blog.

And then there were two...with a third wheel.

Yes, in a season that's felt as endless as "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons", the finale is approaching faster than Kara can say "Here's the thing..."

The three remaining contestants had their hometown visits last week, which I imagine was a great morale booster. Although we all know one contestant doesn't need any more help in the ego department. (I'm refraining from typing His name tonight unless I absolutely positively have to. Still bitter about His inexplicable survival despite squawking one of the worst, insultingly dismissive performances in "Idol" history last week. But I'm glad He thought it was SO FUNNY!)

Don't worry, His fans. I'm taking a chill pill. This isn't the Bash The Guy Who Delivered A Subpar Performance For His Hometown Fans Live-blog. This is the "American Idol" Live-blog. And if He performs well tonight, I'll be a big boy and give him props. He will, after all, probably win this thing next week. (His fanbase is more rabid than Old Yeller. Pun intended.)

So let's get right to it! The live-blogging begins...now.

7:51 pm - Miss last week's Rockfest? Check out the latest "Idol in 60 Seconds" here.

7:58 pm - Almost there... Why do I get so nervous before every "Idol" episode? I need a life.

7:59 pm - Sigh. Paula just tweeted about Danny Gokey's song choices tonight. She didn't tweet any of the other contestants' song choices. FAVORITISM ALERT!

8:00 pm - 15 seconds in and Seacrest already spouts a grammar error. "These are your bottom 3!" Shouldn't it be "This is your bottom 3?"

8:01 pm - Groan. Seacrest just called the top three "The Three Amigos." Adam is definitely Steve Martin, the genius. Kris the teacup is definitely Martin Short. And Voldemort is DEFINITELY Chevy Chase.

8:03 pm - Danny Gokey is up first - in the death spot! Paula picked Terence Trent Darby's "Dance Little Sister." I have newfound respect for Paula. Terence Trent D'Arby is a guy who ruined his career by his massive ego. (Dude actually said his debut album was better than "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." Uh-huh.)

8:04 pm - Oof. This is rough. He is shouting, and he keeps going sharp.

8:05 pm - Stanley from "The Office" is now on stage laying out a saxophone solo. Remember when pop music featured saxophone solos? Ah, the good old days.

8:06 pm - This song sucks. I feel bad that Paula saddled Gokey with this clunker.

8:07 pm - That being said, if the judges don't call out this guy for his shouting, I'm gonna have a stroke.

8:07 pm - Randy, you're dead to me. (Again.) Kara hated his dancing, and said his performance was forgettable. She also said something about his voice being in a "money spot." Gross. Paula, obviously, liked the performance AND his dancing. And Simon just dissed "So You Think You Can Dance" while saying, "vocally it was very very good." Sigh.

8:08 pm - Simon: "My problem is the toy saxophone solo in the middle!" Also, he thought Paula should have picked a "better" Terence Trent D'Arby song, which prompted Paula to shout something about not wanting to give Danny a ballad. (Because "Wishing Well" was such a slow-burner?)

8:09 pm - Once again, Danny Gokey is monopolizing the post-performance conversation. Danny is the new Lil Rounds. But without the talent. Snap! (Just kidding, Gokey fans. Danny has a lot of talent...when it comes to talking about himself. Okay, I'll stop now.)

8:09 - We interrupt this Gokey-Bash for an important news break. Simon Cowell is trying to kill Paula Abdul while Ryan Seacrest is reading Danny's numbers. Kara can be heard shouting "Help! Help! Help!" off-camera. What is going on down there??

8:09 pm - TiVo remind moment. I still don't know what's going on! Seacrest made a joke about second base and harassment. Then he said to the director not to take a shot of Paula and Simon, who were doing something suspect at the judges' table. And then Seacrest said "we'll be back...if Fox lets us." Can't wait to read the "on the scene" reports tomorrow!

8:11 pm - Oh, PS - have I not mentioned that tonight's episode is "Judge's Choice/Contestant's Choice?" Sorry. I've been bad about recapping. Yep, each judge gets to pick a song in round one, and then round two it's up to the Top 3 themselves. Fun fact: Randy and Kara get to pick together. How pissed you think Randy was that he got put with the New Girl?

8:14 pm - Kris Allen's thumb is covered in chipped blue nail polish. My mind is blown.

8:15 pm - Kris is at the piano! And he's shaking like a little lamb.

8:15 pm - Jackson and Kara said they picked this song because it's "open to interpretation." And Kris is singing it pretty much the same way we all know it. Also, remember when David Archuleta and OneRepublic sang this on the finale last year? It was a lot better. Sorry Kris Allen fans.

8:16 pm - Also, his fingernails are dirty.

8:17 pm - Kara called it "competent." I wouldn't go that far. (See Gokey fans? I'm being hard on other people, too!)

8:18 pm - Paula and Kara wishes he took a bigger risk on the arrangement. Paula also pointed out a loud bum note before wrapping up with a "I'm so proud of you!" So...she's proud that he learned how to sing bum notes from Paula?

8:18 pm - Simon: "Paula, how can you say, 'There was a bum note, I'm so proud of you?'" I don't know, Simon. How do you say, "Matt Giraud, you have no chance in winning, but here's the judge's save anyway?"

8:19 pm - Simon is pissed that Kara complained about Kris' straightforward take. "You can't choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song!" You tell her Simon!

8:19 pm - And now Kara's fighting back. This is intense! Do we think all of the behind-the-scenes dirt is going to come out right now? I would die right now if Simon said, "And it's Studio Fifty FOUR! FIFTY FOUR!!!"

8:20 pm - Kara has mounted Simon Cowell's head. Hey judges. Here's a newsflash! This show ain't all about you. It's like they're taking notes on Voldemort's on-camera etiquette. $50 says that a cake will be smashed in Randy's face the next segment.

8:25 pm - Wow. Simon said he had to call Bono personally to ask him to clear the rights for the show. And Bono said he'd be honored. Adam Lambert is gonna win!

8:26 pm - He's singing "One" like he's headlining The Rainbow Room. SO cabaret.

8:27 pm - Eek - the rest of the band has joined him and now it's like he's singing at a Christian Rock rally. "My God is an awesome God he reigns from heaven above!"

8:28 pm - His vocals were spot-on. Again. Arrangement was a tad cheesy tonight.

8:28 pm - Randy thought he changed it too much. But the rest of them are flipping over it.

8:31 pm - I love Adam Lambert. He's telling America to go back and listen to the lyrics of the song because they're beautiful. This guy is amazing! He just subtly told America that the LGBT community deserves equal rights. HOLY CRAP! I wonder if Miss California picked up on that.

8:35 pm - "Idol Gives Back" update. Corporate shout-outs galore. Carrie Underwood went to Malaria. The editing is hilarious. First shot: sunrise. Second shot: baby tigers! Third shot: giraffes! Fourth shot: Ford Focuses driving in Africa. FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL.

8:36 pm - As a commenter just pointed out, apparently those weren't tigers, but lions. Sorry, folks. I'm a New Yorker. If it's not a rat or a cockroach, I'm out of luck. Just be glad I didn't call them hippos!

8:37 pm - Am I having an acid flashback or did I just hear a cover of Toto's "Africa" on the soundtrack?!

8:38 pm - Whew! I'm so glad we're done with all those dying African people so we can get back to something REALLY important: WHAT ARE THE TOP THREE GOING TO SING FOR ROUND TWO??

8:39 pm - Commercial break task: follow me on Twitter! Help me get, uh, 300 followers! In your face, Ashton and Oprah!

8:41 pm - Mid-show report. Round one definitely went to Adam. While I was lukewarm on the arrangement, he delivered another interesting performance. Voldemort and Kris were tied in second place for me. I hated V's shouting but I was disappointed by Kris' nerves. They better whip into shape for round 2, because right now it's Lambert's "Idol" to lose.

8:43 pm - Fox is letting Voldemort speak again. He's singing "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Bold move, since Taylor Hicks covered this the year he won. How fitting.

8:44 pm - "You h'are [BREATH] so beautiful to me." His brilliant phrasing strikes again.

8:45 pm - My mom is going to LOVE this. I'm just happy he's not shouting.

8:45 pm - He's shouting. You'd think he would have passed this kidney stone by now.

8:45 pm - He just attempted a big prolonged note, a la Adam Lambert. This guy is REALLY trying to one-up Adam. I bet next week he comes out with flat-ironed hair.

8:46 pm - The judges love it. Obviously. Simon called it a "vocal master class." At a community college. MAYBE.

8:49 pm - Kris Allen is going to sing "Heartless" by Kanye West. That's not a typo. I am so friggin' excited for this.

8:49 pm - Anyone else watch MTV's "Taking the Stage." Mia did a pretty cool job with this song a few weeks ago.

8:49 pm - And there's a genius lo-fi cover version on the Our Hit Parade blog posted by Clint Michigan. Download it at once!

8:50 pm - Kris Allen has come out, guns blazin'. This acoustic take on Kanye's robot-anthem was really fun. The kids are gonna LOVE this. So contemporary. He just outperformed Voldemort AND Lambert.

8:52 pm - Randy liked it more than Kanye's version! Woah! Will Kris Allen get to the finale??

8:53 pm - Simon had written him off after "Apologize." But everything has changed after that performance. Will it be enough to keep him in the finale?

8:54 pm - Um...Seacrest - for the THIRD TIME - just implied that Kris Allen is getting voted off tomorrow night. "Kris, man, Thank you so much. It's been a great season! We hope to see you again...next week. Good luck!" What a jerk! WTF SEACREST?

8:58 pm - Adam Lambert is singing Aerosmith. In your face, Danny Gokey.

8:59 pm - Note to Kara: this is NOT "early Aerosmith."

8:59 pm - The mix is horrid. The background vocalist is louder than Adam on the chorus. How is that possible?

9:00 pm - Yeesh. I don't know if this was the best choice. That was the most karaoke performance he's ever done. Save for an awesome show-stopping ending, the performance was paint-by-numbers.

9:01 pm - Paula Abdul: "I hope you're collecting frequent flyer miles. You're gonna be flying everywhere. For free!" God bless her. All I will say is she seems to flying high herself.

9:02 pm - Simon Cowell just begged America to vote for Adam Lambert. Has that ever happened before?

9:03 pm - Adam Lambert just spent his post-performance interview talking about the other contestants. Danny Gokey fans take note.

9:03 pm - My wife, the guest commentator. (She's been in the bedroom doing work and is just catching the phone number montage.) As soon as Danny Gokey popped up on screen: "OH COME ON!!!" Hehe. I married a winner.

9:04 pm - Rewinding my TiVo right now to watch Kris Allen's "Heartless" again.

So what did you think, guys? This is the closest 3-way race in recent "Idol" memory, isn't it? If you recall, Blake the Underdog pulled out the big guns the night of the Top 3 and managed to oust Melinda Doolittle! Could it happen again? Did Paula's pick for Danny ruin his chances? Or are his fans going to attack the phone lines like Kelly Clarkson attacks a chili cheese dog? (Sorry.)

What was your fave performance? Were you as outraged at the judges' behavior as I was? Leave a comment below and my favorite commenter will get a shout out in Thursday morning's "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap. Thanks for reading and watching!!

BREAKING NEWS! LITERALLY! According to “American Idol” blogs TopIdol and MJsBigBlog, there was an insane amount of drama during tonight’s “Idol” dress rehearsal! Exploding sets, falling stage managers! Yowzas! More news to come… We now return you to your regularly scheduled “American Idol” live-blog…

…and then the Pope says, “Poke her? I don’t even know her!” HAHAHA. That was a funny joke.

Before tonight’s Rock-themed “American Idol” live-blog, I want to say three words: I’m proud of you, America!

Yes, even though Simon threw my favorite contestant, Allison, under the bus on last week’s Rat Pack show (and even though I wrote a whole blog predicting her Results Show Demise) you guys rallied around the most underrated contestant of the season and pushed her through to tonight’s Rock-themed “Idol.”

Round of applause.

Tonight will be “Idol’s” most competitive yet. The deadweight is all gone (sorry Matt Giraud fan) and we’re left with four winners. (Yes, this Gokey hater was turned a believer after last week’s “Come Rain or Come Shine.”) And with Paula off the pills, we’re likely to avoid any Jason Castro-type ESP moments this year. Second round of applause for Paula coming clean, both figuratively and literally!

Lastly, thanks to a bout of inspiration which led to a ripped t-shirt in last week’s 60 Second Recap, I couldn’t properly shout-out last week’s winner of the “Cantiello Comment Contest.” MTV.COM user Robroy had a delicious rant that colorfully compared “Idol’s” stink to that of chicken poop. But it was the second comment that had me totally dying. “I had to look at Kara’s RIGHT ARMPIT AGAIN! Please, please, oh please…sob, sob…pleeeeeeeezzz…stop with the show opening Diguardia PitStop!”

Now that Robroy has mentioned that, you’re never going to be able to look at Kara and NOT stare at her armpit, am I right?

Let’s put this intro down like a sick dog and move on to tonight’s “Idol” live-blogging!

7:37 pm – MJ is reporting that the dress rehearsal for “Idol” has been canceled. Innnteresting. I wonder how that will affect the contestant’s game.

7:39 pm – OMG TopIdol is reporting that Debbie The Stage Manager fell down the stairs and was taken away on a stretcher. And then Ryan came out and the stage started to fall apart. Those scary spinning globes (which TopIdol mentioned in her on-the-scene blog entry from last week) hissed and then exploded. AHH!

7:40 pm – Who here thinks it’s the ghost of Bea Arthur wreaking havoc on “Idol” after hearing that Constantine Maroulis was nominated for a Tony Award this morning? You know that Broadway diva ain’t having any of that!

8:00 pm - And we're live! The taped teaser is rolling. I guess all the drama was swept up?

8:01 pm - And THIS...is "American Idol!" Okay, round of applause for the clean-up crew. Can't wait to hear what Seacrest says about the dress rehearsal!

8:02 pm - Holy crap! They're going into details. The contestants haven't been able to have a proper run-through!! And the set is broken! And they're going to do duets tonight! And Seacrest just referred to Randy as "The Staple!" This is so bizarre!

8:03 pm - Who wore it better? (Studded leather jacket edition): Kara DioGuardi or Adam Lambert?

8:04 pm - Slash is our mentor this week. He's a great vocalist! (Eyeroll.)

8:05 pm - Aww, Slash actually seems nervous to meet the contestants. Either that or he's detoxing.

8:06 pm - It's a true night of firsts. Adam Lambert is going first. For the first time ever. And he's doing a Led Zeppelin song. My mind = officially blown.

8:07 pm - Raise your hand if you're bopping your head right now. Adam Lambert is KILLING it!! I love Rock Week!!

8:09 pm - Also a first? This performance is like 17 minutes long. And it's ending with Adam shrieking "Deep inside! Woman! You need it!" Raise your hand if you just did a spit take.

8:10 pm - Randy thinks Adam should do a record with Slash. (Hate to break it to you, Randy. That album already exists. It's called "Appetite For Destruction.") Kara thinks Adam should do an album that's 70's classic rock, 80's glam rock, and Nine Inch Nails. And then she had a "When Harry Met Sally..." orgasm. I guess with Matt G gone, she's set her sights on Adam Lambert. Paula says his "Whole Lotta Love" was a whole lotta perfect. Groan.

8:11 pm - Simon says it was his favorite Lambert performance yet. One problem: "how is anyone gonna top that?" Good question, Cowell. Here's hoping Danny Gokey is next.

8:12 pm - D'oh! It's Allison! NOOO!!!

8:15 pm - A promo just promised the most intense "Hell's Kitchen" finale ever. Maybe they won't be cooking beef wellington this time? Because that would be SHOCKING!

8:16 pm - Coke moment with Allison underneath the broken "Idol" stage. Allison went to Adam's hair colorist. She looks adorable.

8:17 pm - Allison is doing Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." And I am literally shaking I am so excited.

8:18 pm - She's doing a great job, but Simon's right. After Adam's show-stopping opener, this seems like the second set at a Phish concert. You really just want to go home and go to bed even though their about to do "Bouncing Around The Room" for the next 42 minutes and it's, like, your favorite song ever.

8:19 pm - Her final riffs were a little flat. Oh no! Randy didn't love it. Kara says she picked the wrong Janis song, but then gives her personality props. Paula says she should be cast as Janis in a biopic. (She's the only one left in Hollywood who hasn't been...yet.) And Simon thinks it was too "sound-alike."

8:20 pm - ALLISON IS ACTING OUT!! Dear God, my little angel, don't sass the judges. This is tragic. She's defending her song choice like she has a chip on her shoulder or a crooked wig on her head (a-hem Lil Rounds.) Simon said she should have done the Queen song she considered, and Allison corrects him. (Bad move.) Apparently, it was between Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love" and Joplin, not Queen. And then Allison directed her venom towards Kara. "Piece of my Heart's" been done to death on "Idol." Subtext: any other judge whose been here longer than 12 weeks could have told you that. Allison, nooooo!!!!

8:22 pm - "Well maybe I should keep talking because you say I don't talk enough." Simon Cowell: "I would start begging if I were you." Now I'm shaking...for a different reason.

8:23 pm - Simon just gave her an endorsement. After all that drama, "I like the fact that you're standing up for yourself." WHEW!

8:27 pm - We're back and it's time for our first duet! The two super-Christian contestants, Kris and Danny, are "rocking out" to "Renegade" by Styx. Who will the Conservatives vote for?!

8:28 pm - Danny Gokey + Rock Night + "Renegade?!" does not compute.

8:29 pm - Kris Allen ain't so hot, either. This duet is reminding me of a couple of dudes who spent 9 hours practicing a song on Rock Band and then brought down their wives/girlfriends to see how awesome they "nailed it."

8:30 pm - Eeeep! Kara just said "Renegade" and these boys "doesn't compute." Kara, if you're reading my live-blog right now, stand up and take responsibility for trying to off Paula by breaking the set!

8:31 pm - In the post-performance Seacrest interview, KRIS ALLEN LOOKS PISSSSSED!! Working with Danny does not look like it was fun. If "Idol" was like "Project Runway" and we got to see all the backstage drama that goes into making a final product, you just know Danny would have been like Victorya or Rami, and America would hate him for being a controlling jerkface. Kris Allen literally looks like he wants to punch Danny in the face right now. And, in an odd way, it's sort of turning me on.

8:36 pm - Kris Coke Moment. He's reeling a little bit after Simon said Danny outperformed him during the duet. He's doing The Beatles' "Come Together." I dunno, Kris. Carly Smithson had an amazing go at this one last year.

8:37 pm - Kris almost peed his pants while rehearsing with Slash. TMI.

8:38 pm - At least he's getting the lyrics right? This is pretty depressing.

8:38 pm - Oh, he broke it down in a fun, funky way at the end. But still, color me underwhelmed.

8:40 pm - You know you're screwed when Randy struggles to essentially say, "Your guitar playing was cool!" Kara hated it. Paula is ranting at Simon for mocking her. I'm confused. Simon says, "It was like eating ice for lunch." Kris Allen is covered in sweat. There's a man in a sombrero in the audience. Did David Lynch hijack my brain?

8:42 pm - Weeeird. Seacrest is basically begging for votes on Kris' behalf. "Who do you want to be in the finale...later this month? Is it Kris Allen? Take a look at that face, America!" Yep, look at the face. Tune out the singing. Then he has a shot. Yikes, Rickey.org must be in full meltdown mode right now. I can see the headline now. "SAVE KRIS ALLEN!" You know I love you, Rickey.

8:43 pm - This performance order is confusing me. Even though Adam and Allison opened the show, they'll be closing the show with a duet? And Kris got stuck in the middle of the show, doing a duet and then making "Come Together" come apart. I think Kris is screwed tonight, honestly.

8:44 pm - Any NYers seeing this "Shrek on Broadway" promo? I think I would rather have the "Idol" stage crush me to my death than pay $150 for a ticket to see that mess.

8:46 pm - Danny is doing Aerosmith's "Dream On." Slash is anticipating his shriek. That makes one of us, Slash. This is going to be blood-curdling.

8:47 pm - Similar treatment to last week's performance. Very quiet at the top and very loud at the end. But his game seems off. He's not holding his notes well, his phrasing is wack.

8:48 pm - Oh. My. No. That final note was a DISASTER!

8:49 pm - The judges are putting him in his place, and Danny is sweating.

8:50 pm - My favorite comment is from - wow - Kara. "I think you took our swagger comment a little too far tonight." Exactly. He acts as though he's untouchable, and it needs to stop. I beg you, America. Put him in the bottom tomorrow. He needs an attitude adjustment desperately.

8:54 pm - Furthermore, Danny's "this isn't my genre" needs to be called out, too. He was amazing last week during Rat Pack Week but that's even less his genre than tonight's. I am so mad right now.

8:57 pm - Allison and Adam are rocking out with Foghat's "Slow Ride." Sing along at home with Allison! "Slow ride! Take it h'easy!"

8:58 pm - Allison's penchant for adding "h's" to the beginning of all her words proves to be unfortunate when "Slow Ride" becomes "Ho Ride." Whoops!

8:59 pm - That was AWESOME! And adorable. Even more adorable? Their massive embrace at the end of it. TOO CUTE! Remember when Kris Allen and Danny Gokey almost started wrestling?

9:00 pm - Paula Abdul: "You two are like the perfect marriage!" Hmm...a seventeen year old girl and a twenty-something gay man with a passion for drag? And now Paula's relationship history makes perfect sense.

9:01 pm - Simon: "Adam, you may have saved this one with that duet." Adam mouths: "I hope so!" as he hugs Allison. DRAMA! Who do you think Adam wants voted off tomorrow night? I bet his name rhymes with Fanny Hokey!

9:02 pm - Conspiracy! The final phone number montage takes Allison's best moment and Danny Gokey's worst. I really hope my girl makes it through again this week. Start voting, kids!!

So what did we think of tonight's show? Were the duets a fun addition or a fussy distraction? Are you surprised that Kris sucked so bad? Was Allison's sass-athon a good or bad thing? Will Adam's "I'm gonna go to the Top 3 Group" behavior on last week's results show factor into your voting plans tonight? Or will Danny Gokey's "I'm Gonna Tackle and Rub Cake All Over A 17 Year Old" behavior on last week's results show factor into your voting plans tonight? Was Slash's style of mentoring good for the show? And will they fix the "Idol" stage in time for Paula's big performance tomorrow night?!! So many questions!!

Leave your comments below. My favorite will get a shout-out in Thursday morning's "Idol in 60 Seconds." Promise.

Tonight on "American Idol" the Top 5 will be singing songs made famous by the Rat Pack, and I'll be live-blogging every grandmother-loving second of it.

Seriously, last week was disco. And now Rat Pack Standards! "Idol" really knows how to keep their demo young, don't they? I can't wait for next week's theme: ragtime hits! And the top 3 theme: field songs!

But let's keep our minds open. Last week's disco episode was actually pretty solid, so we might be in for a treat.

Important to note that typically, "Idol" switches over to two songs per singer at this point in the season. (Remember last year's Top 5 show when Paula judged Jason Castro's second song before he performed it? Still bitter about that.) But thanks to the addition of Kara DioGodIWishSheWasFiredAlready producers realized they won't have time for 10 songs plus critiques (and the contractually-obligated Coke pimpage) in just 60 minutes. So, sorry Lambert fans. We're only getting one tune from Him - as well as the other singers - tonight. They better make it count!

On with the “Idol” live-blogging ... or, if you're more of a visual person, check out my webcam take on the show below!

7:45 pm - Did you miss last week's Lil/Anoop disco double-elimination? Catch up real quick with the latest (and rather nasty) "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap here.

7:49 pm - And while you're at it, why not check out the latest "Detox" recap of "The Hills?" I imagine not many of you watch "The Hills" but frankly, my webshow could use the traffic and we've got some time to kill before Seacrest gets this dog and pony show on the road. Trust me, if you like my live-blog you'll like "Detox," even if you don't know LC from LBJ. Watch here.

7:54 pm - That "Detox" wasn't so bad was it? Okay...the shameless self-promotion/begging will now cease.

7:55 pm - So...how 'bout that swine flu, huh?

8:00 pm - And away we go! So excited! Matt Giraud is wearing a hat/covering the mole so he might be safe again this week. This...is "American Idol" (live-blog.)

8:01 pm - Woah, Seacrest is a heavy-walker. It sounded like an elephant walked down the stairs.

8:02 pm - Ricky Minor and the band began playing while the judges were introduced. Also, Paula taped two giant red gift wrap bows to her cha-chas. I'm so confused already.

8:03 pm - Tonight's guest mentor is none other than Jamie Foxx. (Huh?) I know he has a "music career" and I know he won on Oscar for playing a blind legend, but Ray Charles wasn't the black dude with faulty vision in the Rat Pack. Sammy Davis, Jr. was. Billy Crystal has more of a right to be the mentor, frankly. Or even Joe Piscopo! Hell to the no!!!

8:05 pm - Kris Allen is up first. It's weird seeing him in a suit. It almost looks like he's a thirteen year old at a bar mitzvah.

8:06 pm - After the break! We'll have to wait five minutes before he opens his mouth. Oh "Idol." You either run 10 minutes over or have to stretch to fill an hour. You are the TV equivalent of New York's weather. We went from February to August in two days.

8:09 pm - Nothing says breast cancer awareness like race car drivers.

8:09 pm - GASP! So You Think You Can Dance promo! SOOO EXCITED!!! Best show ever. (Even better than "Idol" in my opinion. I know, blaspheme.)

8:10 pm - Jamie Foxx is madly in love with Kris Allen. He wants to make a record with him. Wow!

8:11 pm - Kris Allen is singing "The Way You Look Tonight." He looked nervous during the first verse. The bridge was better. And then the big band kicked in and he did a Matt Giraud impression. Falsetto fail. Hmmm. This wasn't his most polished performance. It didn't seem like he rehearsed it that much. But he hit a good amount of notes. And the 11 year old girls in the mosh pit are literally hitting puberty on live television.

8:13 pm - Randy loved it. Said it was best performance yet. Huh. Kara called him a "dark horse." Paula said he transitioned from the boy next door to a sophisticated gentleman. Simon kept it real. He called it "a little bit wet." There is a dirty joke in there but I'm not touching it.

8:14 pm - Let's spend this commercial break discussing Paula's makeup. Anyone else notice that she's looking a little bit like Joan Van Ark tonight?

8:15 pm - I'll have to go back and check that Kris Allen performance again. Anyone else think it was a little rough around the edges? The guy has talent, don't get me wrong. I just didn't think it was worth of all the superlatives.

8:19 pm - The Jonas Brothers have their own TV show now. "Their music sets them apart but keeps them together." Their music also makes me sad inside. I wonder if Disney is regretting green-lighting that after their movie tanked.

8:21 pm - Allison Iraheta turned 17 yesterday. Happy birthday, Allison! Great timing! Nobody will vote off the birthday girl this week, right? RIGHT??

8:21 pm - There's a boy in the audience who shouted, "I'm 17!" which prompted Seacrest the matchmaker to say, "Hey, why don't you two go on a date?" Gross! Last year he pulled the same thing with David Archuleta. Check your dressing room for hidden cameras, Allison. Something tells me Seacrest likes watching amateur youngsters.

8:22 pm - Allison is singing "Someone To Watch Over Me." Her rehearsals with Jamie Foxx are adorable. I LOVE THIS GIRL!

8:23 pm - Allison's smokey voice is perfection for this genre. The song is NOT called "Someone To Hwatch Hover Hee," however.

8:24 pm - Now THAT was a technically perfect vocal, Miss Kara DioGuardi. How was this girl in the bottom 2 last week?!!

8:25 pm - Randy Jackson said she looked like Brittany Murphy and sings like Pink with 80000 more octaves. Kara said she deserves to be in the final. (Amen!) Paula said she's been waiting all season to hear Allison sing a ballad. (I guess she was absent the week Allison sang "I Can't Make You Love Me." WTF Paula?) And Simon just pointedly asked Allison if she think she can win the show? GASP!

8:26 pm - After some careful pause, Allison said, "We all have a shot." And then Simon went back to his old annoying tricks. "I don't feel that belief in you still...I have a horrible feeling you could be in trouble tonight." What does Simon have against this girl?! He's going on about how he thought it was "mechanical" and didn't think she committed enough. BULLS***. Kris Allen didn't commit. Allison was there 100%. Hell, 200%. That performance was stunning.

8:27 pm - Kara sticks up for Allison. "I love you but you are CRAZY!" Uh oh. I'm gonna say it. Thank God Kara DioGuardi is on this show this year.

8:32 pm - Matt Giraud is on the Coke Stool and he's stoked about standards week. "I love jazz, I studied it in college in Western Michigan University." (Shameless hometown plug. Way to rally the troops, buddy.) And - HA! - Seacrest asked him what grade he received in jazz class. Matt's reply? A "B." Story of your life, ain't it, Matt?

8:33 pm - Jamie Foxx is making Matt change the key so that he doesn't sing it in falsetto. I don't know, Jamie. Did you hear him try to do Coldplay in his chest voice? Not so pretty.

8:35 pm - Matt's "My Funny Valentine" is fine, if not a little boring. He's hitting some nice notes, and has a couple decent runs, but if there was ever a mechanical performance, it was this. If this guy gets a rave from Simon, I'm gonna be pi-hissed.

8:36 pm - A 6 out of 10 from Randy. Kara didn't feel any emotion. Paula loved it. Simon loved it, too. "The only believable authentic song I've heard all night." Compared him to Nat King Cole and then called it "brilliant." GAH!! Simon's just trying to keep this dude in the competition so that the "judge's save" business doesn't blow up in his face. I'm fuming.

8:37 pm - Here's a question that's been hounding me... First Allison's song talks about how her lover isn't cute. Then Matt sings a song that's essentially saying "my girlfriend looks like Susan Boyle but I love her anyway." Were people in the 40's really that ugly? Why wasn't anyone hooking up with attractive people back in the day?

8:43 pm - As Seacrest walks through the audience talking about iTunes, a pretty woman in the audience is seen checking out his butt and making a face. "Idol" in HD is amazing.

8:43 pm - Danny Gokey is singing "Come Rain Or Come Shine." The cockiest contestant this season boasts, "I'm not really changing it up much." Of course you're not. Because you never change it up much. You are the worst.

8:43 pm - Now Jamie is up in Gokey's face. Jamie loves these guys! Gokey seems sufficiently creeped out by being so close to a man. Just pretend he's Jesus, Danny.

8:44 pm - Danny is singing. Bathroom break. Be right back.

8:45 pm - I'm kidding of course. I'm taking it all in, and it's making my stomach churn. The last fifteen seconds, he's channelling Jennifer Holliday at the Tony's. Why is he so angry?! Isn't this a love song?

8:47 pm - Randy Jackson has his nose dangerously far up Danny's butt. And then he finished it off with a "YOU CAN SING!" Kara loves his "rat pack swagger!" Paula said "I'm gonna keep this brief." And then prattled on for five minutes. Simon is in love, too. Sigh. Danny's here to stay, isn't he?

8:48 pm - Someone in the audience just shouted "DANNY HAVE MY BABY!" Gross.

8:49 pm - Okay, I'll give him some credit. The final 20 seconds of his 90 second performance had me raise an eyebrow and put down the tortilla chips for a moment. At least it was interesting tonight.

8:53 pm - Once again, "Idol" saved Lambert for the end. Predictable.

8:54 pm - Adam Lambert is singing "Feeling Good," normally an "Idol" death sentence. But he's singing Muse's arrangement. Interestingly enough, he didn't give Muse credit.

8:55 pm - Sorry, "RuPaul's Drag Race." This might be the most campy moment of TV in 2009.

8:56 pm - Things that are shorter than Adam's penultimate note: The Plain White T's career, "Anne of Green Gables," The Invasion of Iraq. Wow.

8:57 pm - Randy calls out how Broadway it was. Kara says it best, "You're shocking in a good, confusing and shocking and sleazy and superb and way over the top but I like it!" Paula said she feels like she's watching the Olympics and he's the Michael Phelps. So be careful there, Adam. Your destiny involves getting caught using a bong and then you'll be romantically attached to a homophobic beauty pageant reject. (Somehow I doubt that last part will come true.)

8:59 pm - Simon Cowell: "Best entrance we've had all year." It's true. Adam's strut down the staircase was pretty killer.

9:00 pm - Phone number montage.

Sigh, I'm worried about Allison only because Simon damned her with faint praise. At least the phone number montage showed off an especially meaty section of her performance. Matt Giraud, meanwhile, sounds like a whining cat. And of course, they showed Danny's only good 15 seconds.

But what did you think, readers? Wasn't it delightful to have an episode without Lil Rounds? What exactly was Paula wearing tonight? Is Danny worthy of all the praise? (Better question: am I unfairly dissing the dude week to week?) And how the hell did Adam Lambert get mainstream America to embrace camp in such a major way??

Leave a comment below. My favorite commenter will get a shout-out in this week's "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap!

Old people, rejoice! “American Idol” is taking us back to the good ol’ days of bellbottoms and key parties and dinosaurs. It’s DISCO NIGHT on “American Idol” and I’ll be live-blogging every groovy second of it.

MTV News’ disappointment in “Idol” selecting a genre that’s as dated as Paula Abdul’s pop culture debut is well-documented. But it’s no fun if all we do is complain so let’s look at the bright side of tonight’s (Absurd! Heinous! Disastrous! Pointless! Obsolete! Despicable! God-awful!) theme.

First of all, Paula will be choreographing the group number in tomorrow night’s results show. I don’t recall Paula ever doing The Hustle with MC Skat Cat, so I’m not entirely sure why she chose disco week to jump back on the choreography horse, but hell, I’m still excited for it.

Second of all, Lil Rounds might actually choose a good song for her voice! Who am I kidding? She’s going to pick Bette Midler’s disco version of “Strangers in the Night” just to prove that deep down inside she’s really a sassy white woman with an affinity for bad wigs.

Lastly, disco night will force the contestants to pick uptempo tracks. Last week’s movie night was a non-stop barrage of ballads. And, thankfully, Bryan Adams has never released a disco tune. Oh crap, I’m just remembering that he did do disco when he was 19 years old. (If someone sings “Let Me Take You Dancing” I might have to stab myself.)

There I go with the negativity again.

Before I threaten self-mutilation again, let’s get to the live-blogging.

7:50 pm – Missed last week’s “shocking” use of the Judges’ Save? Catch up real quick with the latest “Idol in 60 Seconds” recap.

7:53 pm – 7 minutes to go. Don’t mind me. I’m bidding on Adam Lambert crap that wackadoodles are selling on Ebay. This floor mat might be my favorite, not only because of the grammatical error but also because something tells me ONLY boys would be allowed in Adam’s room.

8:00 pm - The show is opening with a crazy intense super-tease that feels like it belongs on "Survivor." My heart is racing. The Judges' Save was "Idol history," according to history. Yeah, it was historically stupid. We all know Matt is going home again this week.

8:01 pm - Vince Neil is in the audience! He loves the Judges' Save! I also imagine he's a fan of Adam Lambert's voice-work, since Lambert is ripping off hair metal vocalists every week.

8:02 pm - So, this is odd. Even though last week's show ran crazy long, and even though we still have seven singers, the show is still going to be an hour long.

8:03 pm - Interesting! They cut the pre-performance interview taped pieces. Good call producers!

8:03 pm - Also, they're having Lil Rounds kick off the show, which means she'll probably get kicked off tomorrow. Good call producers!

8:04 pm - Lil Rounds is singing Chaka Kahn's "I'm Every Woman." I have two things to say. 1) Her skin-tight catsuit makes it look like she is hiding every single woman in her pants. Baby got back. And 2) She may be every woman, but her hairy armpits make her more like every man. Wow. Doesn't she know that hairy pits ruined Paula Cole's career 10+ years ago?

8:05 pm - Lil's vocals were a'ight tonight...for a cruise ship.

8:06 pm - Oh no! Randy hated it. The beating continues. This is so unpleasant!!

8:07 pm - Kara is a B!! "Lil, I think all of America including me has been waiting for you to sing Chaka Kahn or an artist like that." Pause for applause. "But I'm not sure, honey, it was worth the wait. I gotta tell you." And then she really goes for the jugular. "The things is, you've been every woman on that stage. Every woman but yourself." SNAP!!! It's like a Tyler Perry movie up in here!

8:07 pm - Paula Abdul didn't like it either, but she's giving her props for a miraculous recovery. Apparently yesterday, Lil was on vocal rest. Oh, honey. You should have rested your voice again tonight.

8:07 pm - Oh lord. And now Lil Rounds is talking back to the judges. Lil Rounds has a Big Mouth.

8:08 pm - Simon said she's going home.

8:08 pm - Ryan's giving her a chance to talk back to the judges. But Ryan, she did that already! NO!!!

8:13 pm - Kris Allen is going to sing Donna Summer's "She Worked Hard For The Money." Say what?!!

8:13 pm - Ryan Seacrest has Anoop's Sweaty Lip Syndrome. "Idol" in HD is disturbing, kids.

8:14 pm - Huh, imagine the Doobie Brothers "Long Train Running" guitar riff, and now imagine Jason Mraz singing Donna Summer. Interesting. Way to go, Kris Allen. That was funky!

8:16 pm - "A lot of women are known to shop in the men's department, but there aren't many men who are willing to shop in the women's." Guess which judge said that. I'll give you a hint. Her name rhymes with Hawla Abdrool.

8:17 pm - Simon loves Kris Allen. Cowell: "Whether you buy or like women's underwear, I don't care." Randy loves copying Simon. Jackson: "I don't care what you buy..." Sigh, Randy.

8:18 pm - Woah! Ryan Seacrest is about 40 shades tanner than Kris Allen. Hey Seacrest, lay off the Oompa Loompa in a Bottle. That stuff can't be good for your skin.

8:22 pm - Danny Gokey is singing Earth, Wind & Fire's "September." He opened his performance by passing a kidney stone on stage. "GAHHHHHHHH!"

8:23 pm - Things aren't looking promising for tomorrow night's group number. Paula Abdul is clapping off beat.

8:24 pm - Danny Gokey is performing right next to the background singers again. I think in his past life, he was a Ronette.

8:24 pm - Karaoke at its worst. I still don't get this Gokey character. Admit it, fans. If he didn't have the sob story, he'd be gone already. True/false.

8:25 pm - Kara is praising Danny's perfect pitch. And I am busy craving wine to go with the cheese that was just displayed on screen.

8:27 pm - Cowell just dissed Danny for being "clumsy" on stage. It's a miracle!

8:28 pm - Allison Iraheta is doing Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff?" Oh no!

8:28 pm - Luckily, she's completely rearranged it. It's a downtempo rock march. Work it!

8:28 pm - This is interesting. I liked the beginning when it was soft and quiet. I am really turning into my grandparents. "I don't like all that loud rock ruckus!" But her vocals were on fire!! Not my fave Allison performance, but hopefully solid enough to get people to (rock the) vote for her. At least we know she has Miley Cyrus' vote. Also, points for her using the moveable stairs set piece at the beginning of the performance. How dynamic!

8:30 pm - Randy Jackson continues to be on my sh** list. "For me, personally, I didn't love the arrangement. It was a little over-indulgent for me." Eff you, buddy. Couldn't one argue that Kris' bongos and coffeehouse arrangement was more indulgent? At least Randy gave her killer pipes a shout-out.

8:30 pm - Kara didn't like the arrangement, either. You know what I don't like, Kara? Fuschia. And you're wearing a LOT of it tonight.

8:31 pm - Simon thought Allison was brilliant. YAY!!! THE ROCKER WILL SURVIVE!!!

8:32 pm - You know you're addicted to self-tanner when....you are darker than the Latina girl on "Idol."

8:32 pm - Coming up, after the break, Adam Lambert, provided he doesn't get mauled to death by the 45 year old crazy stalker lady standing right next to him. Creepy!

8:36 pm - A very dapper Adam Lambert is putting his "own spin" on Yvonne Elliman's "If I Can't Have You." And his "own spin" sounds an awful lot like what Scott MacIntyre's spin would have been. This is adult contemporary at it's boringest. Sorry Glamberts.

8:38 pm - Paula Abdul is crying. I guess she connected on an emotional level with his emotional level. Paula just gave him a standing ovation and pointed to heaven. I think Paula is confusing Adam Lambert with Danny Gokey.

8:39 pm - Randy says, "You are ready right now!" Come on, Randy. THAT was over-indulgent. I wasn't feeling that at all. And I heard some pitchy notes from him, which is a first.

8:39 pm - Kara just referred to "Saturday Night Fever" as "Saturday Night Live." And a few weeks ago she incorrectly referred to "Studio 57." So not only is she bad at basic math skills, and being a judge on "Idol," but she's also really bad at recalling 70's pop culture. If she ever met Bea Arthur, she'd probably be all "I loved your old show, Mauve!"

8:40 pm - Paula is having a meltdown. "I felt your pain, I felt like your vulnerability and it was beautiful. It was as if you tore your heart out and left it on the stage. You're fascinating, you're brilliant, and you will be in the finals."

8:40 pm - Simon loved it, too. Am I wrong? I really thought that was a mess.

8:41 pm - Matt Giraud is up next, and he's doing "Staying Alive." Groan. Double-groan for it being a wink to his situation on the show.

8:46 pm - I have FINALLY figured out Matt Giraud. Tonight he's doing Robin Thicke's schtick, but he sounds like the lead singer of Live. Seriously! If Ed Kowalczyk fronted a neo-soul revival band instead of a vaguely Christian alt-rock outfit, he'd be Matt Giraud.

8:48 pm - I like this funky arrangement. It's fun. But Matt still seems desperate to me. And that last note was as bad as the movie "Stayin' Alive."

8:48 pm - Randy hated the song, he hated the arrangement, but he loves that Matt can sing. Thank you for that Randy.

8:49 pm - Paula said something about bowling.

8:49 pm - Simon Cowell is keeping it real. And he just used the word "desperate." Exhibit Z why I could replace Simon should he not re-up his contract.

8:52 pm - Kudos to "Idol" for staying on schedule tonight! We just have Anoop left. He grew some facial hair for the performance. I think he's catering to his #1 fan, Rickey at Rickey.org. He heard how happy Rickey was when Kris went scurffy, so he's following Kris' lead. I hope there are no bongos on stage again.

8:53 pm - "GLEE!!!!" CANNOT WAIT!!!!! Looks like the fiction version of "Taking the Stage," which, if you aren't watching, you MUST. Not to pimp an MTV show, but trust me. It was my job to recap MTV stuff for 4 months. "Taking the Stage" is a class act. Check it out this Thursday night at 10pm. You won't be sorry!!

8:54 pm - Scruffy Anoop Desai looks like a villain on "Miami Vice." Sorry.

8:55 pm - He's singing about filling a girl up while the lights are off. This is dirty!!

8:55 pm - Barfaroni! Anoop is a-killing me this week. This is really, aggressively bad.

8:56 pm - Anoop just stuck his tongue out after his last note. He knows he just laid an egg on the "Idol" stage.

8:57 pm - And how in the world is his upper lip STILL shiny? You'd think the scruffy beard would absorb that moisture, but nope.

8:57 pm - Randy and Kara are kissing Anoop's ass. I think Anoop is blackmailing them.

8:58 pm - Thank God for Simon Cowell. "That was your worst performance by a mile."

8:59 pm - Um, Seacrest just said Anoop had Groucho Marx eyebrows. Way to kick a brother while he's down. Joe Jonas changed the game for us big eye-browed boys. If someone who will look like George Whipple when they're 50 is currently a sex symbol, that makes me happy.

9:00 pm - You know you're addicted to self-tanner when...you're darker than the Indian contestant on "American Idol." Now I'm tempted to go back to Lil Rounds' performance. Seriously Seacrest. You better watch yourself. You're just one tanning session away from pulling a Ted Danson! INAPPROPRIATE!

9:01 pm - Phone number montage. I take back my comment about Lil's hairy pits. It must have been a shadow.

So what do we think, "Idol" fans? Which two singers are going to have their "Last Dance" on the results show? (I think Anoop and Lil are goners...) Was anyone else bored to tears by Adam's super-slow number? Were you happy that disco night wasn't nearly as cheesy and irrelevant than it could have been? And was it just me, or did Paula's ring look like small testicles?

Leave a comment below! Tomorrow I have a special t-shirt made already so I can't promise a t-shirt shout-out to my favorite commenter, but I WILL hang up a big ol' sign on my bulletin board in the background giving you all the love you deserve for making me smile. (T-shirt shout-outs will resume next week.)

Thanks for reading and watching with me!

I often eat popcorn while I watch “American Idol,” but tonight it’s even more appropriate because “Idol’s” headed to the big screen! Don’t worry, “From Justin To Kelly 2: Electric Boogaloo” wasn’t green-lit. Nope, tonight the theme is “Songs From The Movies!”

Even better? “Idol” fanatic Quentin Tarantino is joining the party, acting as guest mentor this week. He made quite the splash as a guest judge in Season Three, where his brutal honesty was a welcome change of pace to that season’s endless parade of celebs too polite to say anything bad to anyone. (Ahem, Ashford and Simpson.) QT’s shining moment came when he ripped Diana DeGarmo a new one for picking Celine Dion’s “Titanic” hit. “You pulled off the song, but so what? There couldn’t be a song we’re more sick of hearing. You pulled off the notes and stuff, but I don’t care.” Genius. I can’t wait to hear what Quentin has to say to Lil Rounds. Or Anoop. Or Danny Gokey. Or Matt Giraud. Or…wow, this season blows, doesn’t it?

The popcorn’s ready and my sound system is blasting. (Sorry, neighbors!) I’m ready to live-blog “American Idol!”

7:50 pm – Yikes. I’m looking at the song spoilers MJ just posted and it looks like tonight’s gonna be a rough one. Aerosmith? Bryan Adams? TWICE?! The predictions I made earlier today are way off. What a shame. I really wanted to hear Matt do Prince tonight.

7:52 pm – Did you miss last week’s “Idol?” There’s still time to catch up. All you need is a minute thanks to my “Idol in 60 Seconds” recaps. Watch here now!

7:53 pm – Hell, and when you’re done with that, check out my review of the new “American Idol Experience” attraction at Disney World here. (Spoiler alert: I loved it!)

7:56 pm - Watching the end of "Seinfeld," I just realized that "Seinfeld" the TV show is 3 years older than Allison Iraheta. Seriously.

8:00 pm - "This is Quentin Tarantino...and this is American Idol!" Quentin Tarantino is my American Idol. Way to be an eccentric millionaire, dude! It's like how Andy Warhol used to hang out at WWE matches. Love it.

8:01 pm - Gasp! Ricky Minor and the band is on stage this week. I bet he finally hired an agent who was like "You mean they moved you to the top of the stage and you're not on screen anymore? No no no no no. I'll fix that."

8:03 pm - Paula looks like she's being choked by a diamond-encrusted hand.

8:04 pm - Say what?! In order to keep the show under an hour, only two judges will be critiquing each performance. Not fair!

8:04 pm - Little Stevie van Zandt's in the audience, and it looks as though he's on the James Gandolfini diet of Haagen Daas and butter.

8:05 pm - Who wants to bet Quentin cut this reel of his career himself? Also, fun fact: "Reservoir Dogs" is the same age as Allison Iraheta. (I know, she's young. I'm old. I'll get over it.)

8:06 pm - Quentin Tarantino has been taking styling notes from Adam Lambert.

8:07 pm - Allison is singing Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." I'm worried for her.

8:08 pm - She sounds more hoarse than usual. I like the strings-only arrangement on the verse, but it's not mixed very well. The bridge is a hot mess. She's ending big, but it might be too little too late. Eek. That was rough.

8:09 pm - Katie Couric is in the house! And she's an Iraheta fan!

8:10 pm - Paula just said Allison shares the same "special sauce" as Adam Lambert. There are about 8000 jokes I could make right now, but since we're talking about a 16 year old, I'll just keep them to myself...

8:11 pm - Simon loved it! He said she's the girl's only hope! Wait a second, did I take 'shrooms tonight? Did Simon praise Allison without a backhanded compliment? It's a new day, folks!

8:15 pm - Back from the break and the kids in the pit behind Seacrest are extra-caffeinated tonight. My wife, who taught 3 years of elementary school, is going crazy right now. "Where are their parents?" Hehe.

8:16 pm - Anoop is singing the love theme to Robin Hood: Prince of Theives. [Slaps forehead.]

8:16 pm - Tarantino is telling Anoop to "rough it up," and by roughing it up, he means "sound like you're passing a kidney stone while you sing it," which really means "sound like Danny Gokey."

8:17 pm - In the wide shot that started his performance, Anoop looked like he was in a tunic and tights. Thank the LORD he's in jeans and a sleeveless sports jacket vest thing. Actually, I take that back. A tunic would be less lame. What IS he wearing? What happened to the sleeves?

8:18 pm - Anoop's vocals are on point. He's not really growling, as per Tarantino, but he's hitting all the notes. I'm a little perturbed by the lip sweat. And the glassy eyes. Is he high??

8:19 pm - Randy and Kara loved it.

8:20 pm - Kara is STILL. TALKING.

8:20 pm - Seacrest asked Anoop if he had anyone in mind while he sang it. Ladies, if you like a dude with a sweaty upper lip, you are in luck because 'Noop Dawg is SINGLE!

8:20 pm - Adam Lambert is going to add electronic elements to "Born to be Wild." I'm very scared.

8:21 pm - Playing the role of Adam Lambert tonight: Hedwig.

8:22 pm - His arrangement is a disaster. The chorus is a thrash-metal stomp, the verses are a double-time musical number. I really hated that.

8:23 pm - But I'm the only one. The crowd is going wild. And Paula has whipped out a bunch of crazy. "You dare to dance in the path of greatness!" "Fortune rewards the brave!" She clearly had Chinese Food and is just reading fortunes from fortune cookies during performances.

8:24 pm - Simon compared it to "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Adam definitely takes that as a compliment.

8:25 pm - Fun fact: Adam is friends with a red-headed Elvira. Who is that lady in his cheering section?

8:25 pm - Seacrest just told Adam to "come out...of his shell." You're so fresh, Ryan!

8:30 pm - Coke Real Moment with Matt. My co-worker Monty really wants Seacrest to ask him, "How the eff do 7 people pick 2 Bryan Adams songs??"

8:31 pm - Matt's behind the piano and has reinvented my mom's favorite song.

8:32 pm - I take that back. The band has kicked in, and it sounds exactly like the original version, except replace a Spanish guitar with a grand piano.

8:32 pm - His voice keeps cracking. He's out of breath. Nice tender ending, though. Quentin said that if he sang it like he sang it during rehearsal, it'd be "one of his top 3 performances." But...has he had any really good performances yet?

8:33 pm - Randy thought he oversang it.

8:33 pm - During Kara's (negative) review, she said, "Some weeks you nail the song choice and it's two steps forward..." You just KNOW it's taking all of Paula's self control not to just grab the microphone and bust out a little "Opposites Attract" right now.

8:34 pm - Kara is STILL. TALKING.

8:39 pm - Danny Gokey's fans need a serious sign-making lesson. A sign reads: "AMERICAN IDOL. AshLey B & KOLBYK are ROGKING the HOU in L.A. GoDanny!" Did Scott make that sign??

8:39 pm - Coke Real Moment with Danny Gokey. He said he just bought a guitar because he was "bored." But then backtracked and said he meant he'd be bored on tour this summer. Jerk!

8:40 pm - Danny Gokey is singing "Endless Love" with lots of hand gestures in rehearsal.

8:41 pm - Danny Gokey + a harp is like ying and yang.

8:41 pm - Guest judge, my wife: "He sucks. I feel like I'm on a boat. I want to watch 'Happy Gilmore' again." [She has ADD, apparently.]

8:42 pm - There were some bum notes, but he did a fine job, for Gokey.

8:43 pm - Christina Applegate is crying in the audience. If it's good enough for Kelly Capowski, it's good enough for me. [CORRECTION: Eeek! Revoke my pop culture card, kids. As "iheartAI" pointed out in the comments, I meant Kelly Bundy, not Kelly Capowski. Thanks for the heads-up, iheartAI. I need more sleep. How the hell did I confuse "Married With Children" with "Saved By The Bell?"]

8:44 pm - Simon gave Danny Gokey a "I was bored by the arrangement," but quickly followed it up with "But I know this song means a lot to you because you're a widower and oh no I don't want to make you cry and I'm now going to bring up your backstory so people feel sorry for you and vote for you and OMG I'm so sorry I just dissed you will you ever forgive me?" Gag.

8:49 pm - Back from the break and Randy is giving Simon a lap dance? And Ryan is doing a bad Randy impression. Um...I hate to break it to you guys, but if you're worried about time, perhaps you should have cut this b.s. from the show tonight?

8:49 pm - Kris Allen is singing "Falling Slowly" from "Once." Quentin Tarantino is madly in love with Kris Allen.

8:49 pm - The song is too low for Kris.

8:50 pm - Oh right, I forgot about this up-an-octave part. He's doing well now! However, I can't help but think of Anoop's impression of Kris every time he hits a high note.

8:51 pm - Randy thought the whole thing was pitchy.

8:52 pm - Kara thinks the song is obscure. That song won an Oscar, lady! That record sold oodles! Maybe you should turn on a radio one of these days! Compared to the dreck that everyone else has been picking all night, yes, perhaps it's not as known as ENDLESS FRIGGIN' LOVE which is one of the most overplayed songs ever in the history of music but askldjfadisjfioawejfl;aweijfal;wejf;alksdjflkasd. Sorry. I just started banging on the keyboard there. I am so angry!!!!

8:52 pm - Oh, but she followed it up with "One of your best moments ever." Okay, now I feel like a jerk for spazzing out. But Kris did a great job. He just made every little girl fall in love with him. He did that song justice.

8:57 pm - My love affair with Quentin Tarantino is now over. "I'm a big fan of Lil Rounds." That comment is like his "Four Rooms" of "Idol" comments. They can't all be winners.

8:57 pm - Lil Rounds is singing Bette Midler's "The Rose." The first half was generic.

8:59 pm - And now the song has turned into a gospel show-stopper! I'm not so sure I'm feeling this, though.

8:59 pm - Simon hated it. "You are not the artist I believe we met seven or eight weeks ago."

9:01 pm - OMG Lil Rounds is standing up to Simon. This is depressing. After Lil's long passionate speech about adding gospel to a pretty song, Simon ended the fight with "But it was a Bette Midler song." Cold. Yikes, did Lil just cost herself votes by being defiant? Or did she gain votes for standing up to Simon? I'm so confused. America confuses me.

9:03 pm - And that's a wrap.

Wow. So what did we think tonight? My personal fave was Kris Allen, but there was no real "magic moment" to talk about tomorrow morning, was there? And if you say Adam Lambert, I'll cut you. And oof, 2 Bryan Adams songs? Am I going out on a limb by saying this might be the worst "Idol" episode in a long time?

I want to know what you thought! Were you feeling Lambert's "Born To Be Electronic?" Was Anoop's outfit the worst thing ever worn on "Idol?" Did Quentin do a good job coaching the contestants? And do you think "Idol" is regretting hiring that fillibuster known as Kara DioGaurdi or what? All their time-problems can be pin-pointed to Kara needing 4 minutes to say one thought. I'm ranting again. Sorry.

Anyway, leave your thoughts in the comments! And my favorite commenter will get a shout-out in Thursday morning's "Idol in 60 Seconds" t-shirt.

Thanks for watching!

Sit back, relax and prepare to feel really flipping ancient, because it's "Sing A Song From The Year You Were Born" night on "American Idol."

Before the "Idol" live-blog begins, I'd like to take a moment and acknowledge how depressing it is that I am older than all but one "Idol" contestant this year. (Never thought I'd say it but thank God for Gokey.) It felt weird when I surpassed "The Real World" casts, it definitely flipped me out when I realized that I'm old enough to be Taylor Swift's dad (if I was a twelve year old stud who practiced unsafe sex). And now the only reality show where the contestants are in my age range features ballroom dancing and washed up has-beens. Hell, even Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" could have gone to my prom. I've got one foot in the grave, don't I? Before I know it I'll be watching "The Mentalist" and that 10pm Leno show.

Luckily I have you all to cheer me up, and last week you did not disappoint. MTV.COM user Porgadew had me giggling when he/she said, "Does anyone else worry that at some point before the season's over, Dunkleman's gonna push Seacrest down those stairs? I know it's very unlikely and very 'Showgirls,' but I just worry about these things." Amazing, Porgadew. Again, I feel old for laughing at a "Showgirls" reference since that movie was released just 2 years after Allison Iraheta was, but perhaps I'm just sensitive to the fact that it's my job to appeal to 14-22 year olds.

So let's contemplate the meaning of life and bitch about song choice together, shall we? Ready, aim, live-blog!

7:55 pm - Did you miss Megan Joy's caw-tastic farewell last week? Catch up with my latest "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap!

7:57 pm - And after you're done watching that, check out my colleague Gil Kaufman's article, where he suggests songs for the "Idols" to sing. He thinks Gokey should do Gary Numan's "Cars." Weeeird. (I also did a video companion piece to go along with the article. Are you hungry for ham?)

8:01 pm - It's "Idol" time! Seacrest and the judges did not come out at the top of the show. There's an angry dude in a suit sitting in the audience. I wonder if he's the voice-of-God announcer who's now out of a job. (I doubt it. It seems too planted. I bet he's a tie-in to a Fox show. Do they have a sitcom coming out called "Jerks In Suits?")

8:02 pm - Yay! I forgot that tonight's theme also means we'll see baby photos. (I am not looking forward to seeing Scott's.) This year, Seacrest has baby photos of the judges, too. Paula and Simon cheated, though. They're like 8 in their photos. I guess photography hadn't been invented back when they were infants.

8:03 pm - Rob Dyrdek's in the audience! What's happening, my MTV brother?

8:04 pm - Baby Danny Gokey looks exactly like Current Danny Gokey. Daddy Gokey, however, looks nothing like Danny Gokey. I wonder what the milkman looked like in Milwaukee.

8:05 pm - Um...speaking of cheating, Danny Gokey is singing "Stand By Me." Was he born in 1961? The fact that Mickey Gilley covered it in 1980 is irrelevant. I am boycotting this.

8:06 pm - Remember when the Gokester made fun of Matt in last week's results show for sounding like a sheep? Danny Gokey, meet karma.

8:06 pm - The last 15 seconds were passable. And I like his outfit. Other than that? It was flatter than an Olsen Twin.

8:08 pm - The judges are, predictably, gushing over Gokey. Even Simon spun his nasty critique into a positive. "The beginning was good, I thought the middle was lazy and the ending was terrific, so overall great."

8:13 pm - Real Coke Moment with Kris Allen. He's telling a story about how he recently rode a ferris wheel at a beach (say what?) and the "instructor" told him to say hi to Adam for him. Don't be offended, Kris. I hear Adam's into carnies.

8:14 pm - Kris wanted to be a taxi driver when he was younger. You talkin' to me, Kris? You talkin' to me?

8:15 pm - Kris Allen's choice from 1985? Don Henley's "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." All I want to do is go to bed. Yawn!

8:16 pm - Kara called his performance "jazz funk homework." Paula liked that he took a "melodically same notes song" and changed it up. Oookay. Simon called it "indulgent, boring, forgettable." I didn't hear what Randy said because I was too distracted by the dude with the shiny bright white teeth behind him. And is that Sara Gilbert behind him, too? Sigh, it's sad that I'm more excited by the audience members in the background, isn't it?

8:19 pm - Lil is named after her grandma, Lilly. That's adorable! I like her even more now.

8:19 pm - OMG and she's singing "What's Love Got To Do With It?" I love her even MORE now!

8:20 pm - Hmmm, but why is she wearing Tina's Mad Max makeup? That was a different album, Lil.

8:20 pm - This performance is a second-hand karaoke rendition. "I've been thinking of a new direction." Yep, and that direction is "home." Oh no, Lil!

8:22 pm - Uh oh, Paula Abdul starts with, "You look very hot tonight." Paula hated it.

8:23 pm - Quick. Someone grab Lil's baby and prop her up on stage. She needs the votes!!!!

8:24 pm - Make this stop! I can't remember a last time the judges were so hard on a contestant.

8:25 pm - Does it get any more adorable than Lil Rounds' accent? Lil, if you get voted off, I'll hire you to do all my outgoing voicemail messages.

8:30 pm - Anoop's spending his Coke Real Moment apologizing for being a douche last week.

8:31 pm - Yay! Anoop's parents got some screen time! They should get their own spinoff show.

8:31 pm - Anoop's singing "True Colors" beautifully. Him on a stool with a guitar and strings accompaniment. So pretty!!! My true colors are slowly showing...and I might just be an Anoop fan after all!

8:32 pm - Ack, Rickey Minor and the Dentist Drills kicked in, and it's a total Star 99.9 Phil Collins cover version arrangement now. No no no! NO! NO! NO!!!

8:33 pm - Wow, from a wonderful massage to a root canal in just two measures of music.

8:34 pm - The judges approve of gentle Anoop, except Simon is telling Anoop not to apologize for being a jerk in the future. Obviously Simon thinks that.

8:35 pm - Seacrest just made a "happy ending" comment. Was he thinking about massages, too?

8:39 pm - Wait a second, is that Channing Tatum movie literally called "Fighting?" That title was 100% focus grouped. Could it get any more generic? I hear that same movie producer has a musical in the works called "Singing," and a tearjerker in the works called "Crying." Interestingly enough, he has a horror movie in the works called, "Seacrest." What's that about?

8:40 pm - HOT MOM ALERT! Scott's mom is super hot! How is she only 4 years older than Scott?

8:41 pm - Scott's doing Survivor's "The Search Is Over." He's playing a guitar! This is totally appropriate! He is an "Idol" survivor. And I have to say, this might be my favorite Scott MacIntyre performance.

8:42 pm - Kara is dissing the Blind Guy for the first time.

8:43 pm - AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Paula Abdul has lipstick on her teeth. Her transformation into Big Edie Beale is 99% complete.

8:44 pm - Simon wasn't feeling it either. He hated the guitar. (Paula said she'd prefer an acoustic, and Scott quipped, "It's my punk side coming out!" HA!) I liked this Scott performance! What does that say about me?

8:45 pm - Scott MacIntyre just admitted that he's "versatile." Gay men across America just threw up in their mouth.

8:46 pm - Allison was born in 1992. You know what song came out in '92? VIBEOLOGY!! Do it, Allison. Do it!!

8:46 pm - Hmm, instead she's picking Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me." Kimberley Locke had a big week in Season 2 with this track, and I still have that performance on my iPod. You better bring it, Allison!

8:47 pm - Allison is cooing "Turn down the lights, turn down the bed..." I feel like Chris Hansen is going to bust through the door any minute.

8:47 pm - She sang it flawlessly, but is anyone else totally confounded that a 16 year old is singing this song? It is so icky!!!

8:48 pm - Paula: "You know what's so great about having you in this competition? You just hear one note and it's undeniably Allison." Um...one could have said the same thing about Megan "Caw" Joy.

8:49 pm - I. Hate. Simon. Cowell. After an awesome vocal, Simon spends 3 seconds praising her vocals and the rest of his time dissing her lack of a personality. DOHHHHH!!!!

8:50 pm - And I'm starting to like Kara. Only because she gave the girl props. "To take adult content like what's in this song and make it believable and young like you did today, that's talent!" I have to agree with her. I also need to go back and re-watch her performance because I was so off-put by the juxtaposition. It's like if you heard a 6 year old singing a Pussycat Dolls song. Or this.

8:55 pm - Yikes! Matt G is doing "Part Time Lover," which killed Chicken Little in Season Five. It's much better than that, but the smooth jazz arrangement is making me gag a little.

8:56 pm - Okay, I'll give it to him. His vocals are on point.

8:57 pm - The judges have all but 2 seconds to give him praise. But boy, did they love him. I'm happy for Giraud and the Giraud Squad. (Cute name, fan club!)

8:58 pm - Gasp! I forgot we still had Adam Lambert to look forward to / dread, depending on what side of the fence you live on.

9:02 pm - Oh. My. RuPaul. Adam Lambert loved playing dress up as a kid.

9:03 pm - My co-worker, Monty, wins a bet. Since day one, he's been talking about how he knew Lambert was really a redhead with freckles. You win, Monty! HA!

9:03 pm - Adam Lambert is going all "Donnie Darko" on us, singing Tears for Fears "Mad World," but using the Gary Jules arrangement. The good news: it's "restrained" Adam, so my ears aren't bleeding. The bad news: it looks like he's sitting on a toilet on stage. What the...?

9:04 pm - CHILLS! CHILLS!!!

9:05 pm - Pity that anyone who Tivo'd this show is going to miss his performance thanks to "Idol" going over. Not fair. Not fair at all. That was stellar, save for a bum last note. Simon gave him a standing O. I'm a Glambert again! Go Adam!! That was amazing!!!

9:06 pm - This phone number montage is awful. Danny? Boo. Kris? Snooze. Lil? Nutbush City Boo. Anoop? Good. Scott? Not awful...except they showed his screechy high note. Ouch! And then it gets good. Allison: yay! Matt: yay! Adam: hip hip hooray!

But I wanna know what you think! Did a DVR screw your life up? Raise your hand if you're gonna have to watch Adam's performance at Rickey.org or mjsbigblog.com instead of your TV! Did Adam Lambert blow your mind? How did you feel about a 16 year old tackling such a mature song? Was Scott with a guitar and upgrade or a downgrade? And lastly, what profession do you suggest Paula Abdul's recently-fired makeup artist take up now that he/she's out of a job?

Hit me up in the comments. Instead of a shout-out in next week's blog, my favorite commenter of the night will get immortalized in a t-shirt! Yep, whoever cracks me up the most will get a big fat T-shirt shout-out in Thursday morning's "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap. The stakes just got higher, friends!!

Thanks for watching and reading. Maaaad worrrrllllld.

Buy plenty of bottled water! Say goodbye to your loved ones! Go on a shopping spree you'll never have to pay off! It's “Top Downloads Night” on "American Idol." Contemporary music on "Idol?" CLEARLY the end of the world is near!! This very well could be our final "American Idol" live blog together!



The contemporary quandary is one that's always plagued the show. How are these contestants expected to compete in a current pop landscape after the show's over when all they've had to do up to that point is sing Barry Manilow and tunes from the Great Depression? It baffles me that TV's biggest show hasn't figured that out yet. Pop music is less about singing ability and more about image. Just ask Lady Gaga. (Oh wait! The contestants can because rumor has it, she's slated to appear in some capacity this week.)



Ironic, then, that America and the judges are finicky about showing love to "Idols" covering songs still on the radio. Sound too much like the original = failure. (Poor Felicia Barton!) But deviate too much and they send you packing anyway! (Ju’not Joyner and Dead Wife Guy's buddy never stood a chance!)



That's why I'm concerned for Allison tonight. She shines when she can connect to a song on an emotional level, and there ain’t that much emotion in Akon's catalogue. All signs point to a Kelly Clarkson cover, and it's nearly impossible to tackle one of those without sounding like you're rocking out at a karaoke happy hour.

Megan's doomed too, unless she can find a way to deconstruct a pop song and make it play to her strengths. I guess her strength is her beauty, so perhaps she'd be better off turning her song into an instrumental and just stand there and look amazing. Hell, I'd still vote for her!

MTV.COM user pickles had some hilarious ideas regarding Megan’s always-changing name. She wrote, “Whenever I hear Megan Joy, I always think of Almond Joy. Actually, if her name changes to Almond Joy next week, I don't even think I'd be surprised. She seems to have a new name every week. And the whole 'Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't...' phrase kinda suits her. Ooooh. Maybe she can get Lil on this whole name changing bandwagon and she could show up as Lil Mounds.” Hilarious! And delicious!

And lastly, sad news in the Gokey household, as Danny’s grandfather passed away this past week. But look at the bright side, Gokester. At least you have another corpse to dig up and exploit! That will help you last another 3-4 weeks easily.

But what's with all this projection?! Enough pointless predictions. Let's get live-blogging already!



7:52 pm - Whew! I'm back from a whirlwind trip to Florida. I got to check out the awesome, brand new "American Idol Experience" attraction. Stay tuned for a blog entry tomorrow.

7:55 pm - Did you miss last week's Motown drama? There's still time to catch up by watching my latest "Idol" in 60 Seconds recap. Clicky.



7:58 pm - Fun fact: tonight's episode is 85 minutes long, the same running-time as "Cloverfield." And just like the monster in Cloverfield, Danny Gokey is frightening New York hipsters.

8:01 pm - Oh my Zoe! We're only 60 seconds in and there are already too many styling disasters to mention.

8:02 pm - Spotted in the audience behind Randy Jackson: David Spade, a skinny Mandisa and quite possibly the crazy old lady that lives next door to me.

8:02 pm - Seacrest just asked Kara to define artistry. She failed.

8:03 pm - Spotted in the audience throwing their kids around like a sack of potatoes: Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna's massive lips.

8:04 pm - Tonight's theme: any song that's ever been downloaded. And now the Top 9 are hanging out with Seacrest in his radio studio (where everyone is using iPod earbuds to hear him? Woah, Seacrest, how about you spring for some professional audio equipment? Cheap-o!)

8:05 pm - And now Seacrest is playing with a computer that has silly "Idol" samples in it. Basically, Ryan is your annoying co-worker who plays "Scarface" excerpts at inopportune times.

8:05 pm - Anoop is singing Usher's "Caught Up." Douchey Anoop is back.

8:06 pm - I don't even know where to begin. The flat notes, the snarling, or the chain that's wrapped around his left shoulder?

8:07 pm - Dear Anoop. Never brush the dirt off your shoulders. EVER.

8:07 pm - There you have it. As if we needed any more proof that Anoop is a-jerk, his cheering section is a bunch of white frat guys.

8:08 pm - Holy crap. Kara just told Anoop that she feels like a bunch of frat guys dared him to sing that Usher song. Kara is reading my mind! Or, even scarier, is she reading my blog??

8:09 pm - Kara, if you're reading this right now, poke Paula.

8:10 pm - Loopy Paula is back!! She just hiccuped something about developing "signature moves." What do you mean, Paula? Like clapping like a seal, or pulling crayons out from your crotch?

8:10 pm - Seacrest to Anoop: "Let's go back to Kara's comment...because I saw you shaking your head and biting your tongue." Clearly Ryan is just as obsessed with the ShamWow hooker story as I am.

8:11 pm - Stank attitude alert! Raise your hand if you want to punch Anoop right now? Good luck with that r&b career, buddy.

8:15 pm - Megan Joy is rehearsing Bob Marley/Lauryn Hill's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." I feel like it should be called "Turn Your TV Down Low." Oof.

8:15 pm - Megan Joy just said the judges punched her in the mouth last week with their comments. Clearly Megan is just as obsessed with the ShamWow hooker story as I am.

8:16 pm - The good: Megan's finally wearing heels. The bad news: she's taking hair advice from Jason Castro. The worst news: the song is just abysmal.

8:19 pm - The judges hated her. Paula's telling her to sit on a stool and stop dancing. You know you're in trouble when Paula says you shouldn't dance.

8:20 pm - I agree with the judges. That song was just all sorts of wrong. Her vocals weren't the worst they've ever been, but the song had four notes and she just squawked all over 'em.

8:26 pm - Coke Real Moment with Gokey. He mentions the dead grandpa in t-minus three, two...

8:27 pm - Danny is doing a Rascal Flatts number in order to "tone it down." Also, to "pander to the South."

8:28 pm - The beginning of the song felt very cold and calculated.

8:29 pm - It built nicely, and he didn't pull the Taylor Hicks crap this week, but it didn't move me. I still think he's overrated. (Points for not exploiting the dead, though.)

8:30 pm - Paula wants to push "repeat" in her heart after hearing that performance. Does that mean she's gonna call Emilio tonight?

8:31 pm - Okay, judges. Let's not go crazy. Sure, Anoop and Megan were craptacular, but let's not anoint Danny the "Idol" just yet. Ugh.

8:33 pm - Allison is playing the guitar and singing No Doubt's "Don't Speak." Three lines in and I'm tearing up. This is beautiful!

8:34 pm - I'm not feeling her hair at all. Remember that scene in "Mannequin" when Kim Catrall and Andrew McCarthy lip-sync to the Starship song? She's wearing that wig.

8:35 pm - Randy is dissing her outfit. The judges have it out for this girl. The conspiracy against Allison continues.

8:36 pm - OMG now Kara is complaining about her outfit, too. NOOO! Not one word about her mindblowing vocals? Seriously, Kara?!! So much for "artistry."

8:36 pm - Thank you for doing your job, Paula. Abdul: "You can outsing artists who are twice your age." But let's be honest. Gwen Stefani is three times this girl's age, no matter how many songs about high school she records.

8:37 pm - I give up on this show. Seriously. Simon's claiming her silly outfit distracted from her vocals. And then he claimed she shouted the song. COME ON DUDE! The first third of that was 4000X more emotional than I've ever heard that song.

8:42 pm - If "Glee" is not a huge hit, I have no faith in TV viewers. How amazing does this show look??

8:44 pm - Adult contemporary Scott is singing the adult contemporary staple "Just The Way You Are." This is Scott's best performance to date, but that's like celebrating the recent stock market bump. The economy's still f*****, folks!

8:46 pm - Kara likes Scott's new look, which is essentially Sharon Stone's look from that scene in "Basic Instinct" when she showed us her ladyparts.

8:46 pm - Paula Abdul: "Out of all the contestants that have graced the stage, I'm most proud of you and I want the audience to know it has nothing to do about your challenge but everything to do that makes me forget about that challenge." So......it's about the challenge then.

8:47 pm - Question: is it worth giving a blind man a standing ovation?

8:48 pm - Congrats, Scott. You sang a song on tune this week! Let's give the man a parade.

8:53 pm - Matt is already coming off more likeable in his Coke Real Moment.

8:54 pm - He jumped his cue and started the song while Seacrest was introducing him. Mistake #1. Mistake #2? Letting "Idol" position him out in the audience with a keyboard. The crowd could not look more disinterested in him, and he's standing - literally - four inches from them. Mistake #3? He's wearing leather again! Dear Matt, you are not Chris Martin.

8:56 pm - Paula just used the word "aborted" in reference to his performance.

8:57 pm - Call it, doctors. This dude is a dead man.

8:58 pm - Lil Rounds is up next. She thought long and hard before choosing Celine Dion's "I Surrender." She should have thought harder and longer.

8:59 pm - Forget Lil Mounds, from this point on I shall call her "Crooked Wig."

9:01 pm - Poor Lil. This feels desperate and depressing. At least she hit some big notes in there.

9:02 pm - Did anyone else just see David Spade put chewing gum under his seat? Nasty!!

9:03 pm - Simon compared her to a wedding singer. Matt G is very happy that Lil choked. He might be safe after all.

9:04 pm - Instead of a post-"Idol" interview, Seacrest ran over to Lil's baby girls and interviewed them. (The interview went slightly better than an Allison Iraheta chat.) Annnd now Randy Jackson is holding one of Lil's priceless little babies. as;dsadfkkkkkkkfjiwfj. Sorry. That's what melting looks like.

9:05 pm - Matt G is so pissed right now.

9:09 pm - HA! Coming back from the break, Seacrest is now where Lil's baby was when we last left off, as if the baby morphed into Ryan. That silly trick is something we'd do on "Detox!"

9:09 pm - Old Adam Lambert is back singing "Play That Funky Music." I miss "RuPaul's Drag Race."

9:11 pm - America, welcome to the Bar Mitzvah from hell.

9:12 pm - Things that are more funky that Adam Lambert: LL Bean, Clay Aiken, Velcro.

9:12 pm - Paula compared Adam to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler in a long soliloquy that she obviously memorized and wrote long before the cameras started rolling.

9:13 pm - Kara's trouble with numbers continues. "It's like Studio 57 up in here." LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

9:19 pm - Kris Allen is aching to have a "moment." So he's singing "Ain't No Sunshine" behind a keyboard with a string quartet.

9:20 pm - Moment achieved! This is really great. I think he's oversinging it just a tad, and that last note was akin to saying "Studio 57" on live-TV, but this was a fantastic offering.

9:22 pm - Congrats Kris! Now you should celebrate with a nice shave. The stubble is starting to make you look like a child molester.

9:23 pm - Phone number montage: Allison's "Don't Speak" was by far my favorite. And I think Matt is almost certainly a goner.

9:25 pm - "The Osbournes" begins. I have never reached for a remote faster.

So what did you guys thing? Are you infuriated by the judge's constant snubbing of Allison's genius? Was her outfit really that awful? Are you happy Scott finally did well? Do you prefer Tender Anoop or Swagger Anoop? And who else thinks Kara should go back to kindergarten?

Let me know what you thought in the comments! As always, my favorite comment will get a shout-out in next week's "Idol" live-blog.

Thanks for reading and watching!

It's time to live-blog another "American Idol" performance show. But it's a Wednesday! Usually we watch a performer's dreams get crushed on Wednesday. Thanks to our "Idol"-hating President, we're going to watch ten singers (well, nine singers and one blind dude) compete tonight instead. This is the second time that Obama has toyed with our beloved "Idol" schedule this season. Economy my ass! Doesn't he understand that we like watching "Idol" to forget that we have no money? He would have been better off leaving "Idol" alone and issuing a press release. Or better yet - I can't believe I'm about to say this - he should have taken a page from the Bush II presidency and just appeared on "Idol!"

Tonight will feature the music of Motown, which is an absolute minefield. For every amazing "Misery" by Barrett Strong there are three obvious stinkers like "Sugar Pie Honeybunch" waiting to take down a contestant. Provided "Idol" didn't severely limit the song list, there's no excuse for anyone to sing a classic we've heard 400 times before on this show. I swear to Seacrest, if anyone sings "Aint No Mountain High Enough" I think they should automatically be booted. Even if it's my girl Megan Joy (Corkrey).

Before I get to live-blogging, a quick shout-out to MTV.COM user Trixie who had me rolling with her comment on last week's live-blog: "Was it ugly ass jacket night? WTH Danny and Anoop?" Let's face it though, if ever there was a time to wear an ugly jacket on "Idol," wouldn't it be on Grand Ole Opry night?

But enough about the past! Let's look to the present! Motown Night live-blogging begins NOW.

7:55 pm - Did you miss last week's Alexis Grace shocker? You still have time to check out the latest "Idol in 60 Seconds" recap here before we dive in to tonight's episode.

7:58 pm - "Now That's What I Call Power Ballads?" Now that's what I call hell.

7:58 pm - OMG you guys I'm so excited. I'm going to Disney World with Team Detox this weekend for a quick, random impromptu getaway and I'm totally going to try the new "American Idol" ride/show/attraction thingamajig that just opened. CANNOT WAIT!

8:00 pm - And so it begins. The top 10 looks miserable on stage during Ryan's dramatic intro. I know they're trying to look "tough" and "serious," but instead they all look like they're about to vomit. Wait, maybe they all caught Megan's bird flu from last week.

8:02 pm - The judges are all kissing Berry Gordy and Smokey Robinson's butts while Seacrest is asking them questions. Hey guys, remember how you're supposed to be on television right now? [Slaps forehead.]

8:04 pm - Spoiler alert: The Funk Brothers dummer died yesterday.

8:05 pm - "Idol" Road Trip!! They went to Detroit to visit Motown's HQ, and the screaming fans are all there to greet them. Woah, Detroit "Idol" fans are not an attractive bunch.

8:07 pm - Trip's over, back to work. Smokey Robinson is coaching this week. I would not do well under his tutelage. I'd be constantly distracted by his tight face and green eyes.

8:08 pm - Matt Giraud's doing "Let's Get It On." This is either going to be really awesome or really icky.

8:09 pm - He's playing the piano and things are going well.

8:10 pm - Uh oh. The band kicked in and now he's walking around the stage. Holy tight pants alert! Dude, we don't need to actually be able to see that you wanna get it on, if you catch my drift. Matt's pants are to dangly bits what Megan's previous dress were to breasts.

8:10 pm - Matt just sang this line to a super-young girl in the audience: "There's nothing wrong with me loving you." It depends on the state, buddy.

8:11 pm - It was okay, but I wish he kept it focused at the piano. Once he stood up, it was a little cheeseball.

8:12 pm - The judges loved it. Paula likened his performance to a pair of "great, worn in jeans." She noticed his tight pants, too, evidently.

8:14 pm - So, is Matt seriously a front-runner? Or are the judges just pimping their favorites regardless? Am I the only one that is turned off by Matt's personality?

8:19 pm - Neat! This week's "Idol" iTunes songs feature the contestants backed by the original Motown instrumental tracks. That sounds pretty awesome. You got served, Rickey Minor!

8:20 pm - Kris Allen is doing Marvin Gaye's "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)." Um...Smokey Robinson might be the worst mentor EVER. All he does is say "That was awesome! Marvin would have loved that!" Actually, he just said this, which might be even more asinine. "I take my hat off to anyone who plays the guitar but to play the guitar like that and sing like that at the same time? My goodness!" It's official: Smokey Robinson has never seen a folk singer before.

8:20 pm - Kris Allen is going his thing again. What a likable dude. I'm not digging all the feedback, though. What's up "Idol" sound guy?

8:21 pm - Hmm, I'm kinda bored already.

8:22 pm - That last note (which Paula called "technically, like a high 'A' or something like that") scared me.

8:23 pm - Simon wants to see more swagger from Kris. I'm sure Paula wants to see more skin.

8:25 pm - Yikes, just noticing now that Kris' shirt is a disaster. There are random numbers on his shoulders, there's a patch with a sword on the arm, and there's a crap-load of text on the bottom. Take it from me, buddy. If you want text on a shirt, keep it simple.

8:30 pm - Coke Real Moment with Scott MacIntyre. In honor of this, I'm drinking a Pepsi.

8:31 pm - Scott's doing the Supremes classic "You Can't Hurry Love" as a hokey lite-FM piano ballad. (As opposed to Phil Collins hokey lite-FM uptempo.) Scott: "Being a guy, coming out singing as Diana Ross, those are some huge shoes to step into." If Adam Lambert had said that quote, I would have totally expected him to come out on stage in drag literally AS Diana Ross.

8:31 pm - Hey ladies, Scott's single!

8:31 pm - Groan, Smokey Robinson told him not to change a thing. Strike 3, Smokey!

8:32 pm - NOT FAIR ALERT: Scott is allowed to have three backup singers/dancers to perform right next to him on stage? Hell to the no!

8:33 pm - You can't hurry love. You know what else you can't hurry? Sadly, live television. If only I could fast forward this.

8:33 pm - Things that have more soul than Scott MacIntyre: Martha Stewart, my cats, my coffee table.

8:34 pm - Smokey Robinson is not a fan. Neither is Simon Cowell, who is calling out Scott's terrible song choices.

8:36 pm - Paula is in rare form. She keeps interjecting Simon's critique like she's at a Baptist Church in Harlem. Put a lid on it, Abdul!

8:38 pm - WHAT?! Paula Abdul just interrupted Simon by saying, "I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!" And then she went under the table...for an eternity...only to emerge with crayons and a coloring book. Ohhh Paula. Do not do prop comedy in front of the blind dude. It just doesn't work.

8:39 pm - Uh oh. Four words I never wanted to hear in the same sentence: "Stevie Wonder" and "Megan Joy." What in the what is my girl going to ruin tonight? Oh noes!

8:39 pm - And here are two other words I never wanted to imagine together: "chunky" and "hummus." I must have been drunk when I went food shopping because I am eating some gnarly chunky hummus right now. (Isn't that stuff supposed to be smooth? Eek!)

8:43 pm - We're back from the commercial and Paula is still acting the fool. Straight up, this is amazing television.

8:45 pm - Megan Joy is making "For Once In My Life" her own. And that's not a good thing.

8:46 pm - The background singers got to sing measures by themselves. I'm sad to say that it's a welcome break from Megan's hideous interpretation. For such a pretty girl, she can sound real ugly sometimes. Oy!

8:47 pm - The judges are ripping her a new one. I agree, she needed to drastically re-interpret the song. I've been saying this since day one with Megan. If she rearranged songs to fit her quirky vibe, she'd be unstoppable. It's the way an Antony Hegarty or a Bjork can sing a classic tune but twist it, turn it and mold it to fit their unique deliveries. I love me some Megan Joy but oof, I sure hope she survives for next week's "Music Selected By Pitchfork Media" theme. (Editor's note: I wish that was an actual "Idol" theme!)

8:48 pm - The Paula Abdul kiss of death: "I'm gonna tell you this. Your stunning beauty takes my breath away." Let me translate for you, Megan. Pack your knives and go. You are the weakest link, goodbye. You're fired. You are not shear genius. We feel we can not make you a supermodel. Etc.

8:50 pm - Oooh, Seacrest dis. After giving Megan's phone numbers he says to America, "On the upside, Anoop's up next!" What a jerk!

8:54 pm - Anoop is getting sensual, and Smokey Robinson - for the 90th time this episode - says, "Don't change a thing!"

8:55 pm - The beginning of Anoop's "Ooh Baby Baby" is almost too gentle and frail. When he belts, he sounds great, but his falsetto is thinner than Karen Carpenter.

8:58 pm - Kara basically said the same thing.

8:58 pm - Paula Abdul just pointed out how scary it must be to perform that song in front of two legends. Except the camera jerked over to Smokey Robinson and an adorable chubby little kid sitting next to him. (They meant to land on Smokey and Berry Gordy, but they failed.)

9:00 pm - Oh crud, Michael Sarver is after the break. Is it too late to switch over to "America's Next Top Model?" Yep, just missed it. Crap!

9:05 pm - Coke Real Moment with Michael Sarver. If this were a legitimate "real" moment, Seacrest would hiss at him, "Can you believe America voted off Alexis Grace before your weak ass?"

9:05 pm - Woah, Michael Sarver didn't go to Detroit because he's racist. JUST KIDDING. He was sick. Totally kidding.

9:06 pm - Sarver's singing "Ain't Too Proud To Beg," and Smokey told him to "pound the song" more. How about that? Smokey has some advice after all!

9:07 pm - Anoop's falsetto > Michael's falsetto.

9:08 pm - Michael said he wanted to take us to church with this performance. Evidently he meant a boring old Roman Catholic mass because this is putting me to sleep, and I'm not sure when I should kneel, pray or get up to drink some wine.

9:09 pm - Ick, now he's pulling a Corkrey and coughing post-performance. Hey, it worked for Megan last week.

9:09 pm - Paula referred to a magic "A" note again! I wish I had my keyboard handy because I would so call her out right now.

9:10 pm - It's unanimous, the judges hate Michael Sarver. REALLY hate. Randy said he shouldn't sing R&B ever (ouch!), Kara said he's not "an artist" (ouch!) and Simon said he has no chance in winning (double-ouch!).

9:17 pm - Lil Rounds is doing "Heat Wave" which reminds me of "Sister Act."

9:18 pm - Smokey Robinson: "Lil Rounds could sing the phonebook!" Is he auditioning to be the fifth judge on this show? God help us!

9:19 pm - It's nice to see "Idol" is getting their money's worth with this ghastly "flame" monitor loop.

9:19 pm - Lil Rounds sounds fantastic, but her hair is tragic. It looks like she's wearing a wig that's falling off her head.

9:20 pm - Regardless of her hair, she's reminding me of Jennifer Hudson right now. It's a roof-raising performance, full of growls, glory notes and gusto. Yay Lil!

9:22 pm - Randy didn't like the first half of the song, and Lil's family is giving great face right now. "Hell to the no, Randy Jackson."

9:22 pm - Uh oh, Kara didn't like it either.

9:24 pm - Neither did Simon. They all hated the song (except for Paula, who, like me, liked it a lot). I guess they're giving her a ton of tough love.

9:25 pm - Lil's post-critique interview is uncomfortably desperate. I hate when good singers are forced to beg for votes on this show. Sheesh, if Lil goes before Michael Sarver or Scott MacIntyre, I might have to quit.

9:31 pm - Seacrest is in the audience sitting next to a woman who looks a lot like one of the creatures from "Where The Wild Things Are." Also in the audience, Olivia Newton-John and her daughter Chloe Lattanzi. Talk about wild things!

9:31 pm - Adam Lambert is covering Smokey's "The Tracks of my Tears." Smokey's impressed. Will we be? I gotta hand it to this mess, I'm on the edge of my seat right now.

9:32 pm - Adam Lambert is delivering one of the best "Idol" performances ever, even though he looks like a cross between Young Elvis, Edward James Olmos and Max Headroom. Seriously, that was Top 5 EVER on this show.

9:35 pm - Standing O's all around. Amazing.

9:36 pm - Side note: when will "Idol" feel comfortable to properly identify Adam's cheering section as "Adam's Boyfriend and Family?" We always know when a "wife" or "husband" or "girlfriend" is in the audience. We've all seen bunches of pictures of those two making out. It's really adorable that he's there every week cheering him on. Why won't "Idol" let him be "out?" Or do you think it's a choice Adam and his partner have made to keep it under wraps?

9:41 pm - Danny Gokey's going back to church this week with The Temptations "Get Ready." Smokey's making him sing all the background vocals, too. Hopefully Smokey's trying to sabotage his performance.

9:43 pm - Annnnd Danny's ignoring Smokey's advice. Twerp! He's taking a page out of the Haley Scarnato playbook by blatantly defying the mentors. Let's hope he doesn't follow page 4 next week, by wearing halter tops and hot pants. (Although, what glasses do you think he'd wear to go with that outfit?)

9:44 pm - I hate this. He's palling around with the background singers, his phrasing is weak. "So get ready! [GIANT BREATH] Get ready! [GIANT BREATH]" My co-worker, and vocal master, Garth is going to have a LOT to say about this tomorrow.

9:44 pm - Paula Abdul: "You are a, [stutter] undeniable, identifiable, and you're always reliable in giving us [waves arm around, hits microphone with her giant ring] a first class performance every week!" Take a seat, Lindsay Lohan's Fornerina commercial, because Paula's behavior is officially the nuttiest thing I've witnessed this week.

9:45 pm - Simon was the only correct judge in his "clumsy" and "amateurish" assessment.

9:50 pm - Back from the commercial break and Randy's sitting on the judge's table, while Paula is perched on Ryan's lap. The table or Seacrest's knee...I don't know which one will give way first. Nice tutu, though, Abdul!

9:51 pm - Allison is doing "Papa Was A Rolling Stone," but is struggling with the lyrics during rehearsal.

9:51 pm - Allison Iraheta is having a moment. This rules!

9:52 pm - Hmmm, I'm not sure the lyrics to the second verse are "Talkin' bout savin' souls and alldatimeeewaaa, dealin' love and Deepak Chopra inna name of the law." But I guess it's hard to enunciate with those braces. Slurring aside, this is great!

9:53 pm - HER FINAL NOTE WAS AMAZING! I don't know whether I should stand up for a standing O or bow down in the presence of greatness. Just brilliant!

9:54 pm - Simon drew a mustache on Paula's upper lip. I have no idea what to say right now.

9:55 pm - PHONE NUMBER MONTAGE! They're showing a really terrible clip of Matt Giraud - which I'm pretty sure was from rehearsal? - a great clip of Kris, an honest clip of Scott, a decent clip of Megan, a split screen of Anoop, a frightening clip of Sarver, an awesome clip of Lil and Adam, an embarassing clip of Danny, and an unfortunate clip from rehearsal for Allison. (She didn't hit the high note then.)

Enough of my prattling! I wanna know what YOU thought of tonight's performances! Did Allison or Adam reign supreme? Do you wish Lil picked a ballad? Were you as uncomfortable as I was when Paula starting stealing Carrot Top's schtick? And don't you wish you could be a fly on the wall when Scott meets Stevie Wonder tomorrow?! (How do visually impaired people shake hands with each other? That seems dangerous, not to mention the obvious accidental sexual harassment scenario that could ensue!)

Leave a comment (or several) below, and my favorite one will get a shout-out in next week's performance show "Idol" live-blog. I'll see you all Friday morning with a brand new "Idol in 60 Seconds." Thanks for reading and watching with me!