Randy Jackson nicknamed "American Idol" season 10 "The Remix." As the Simon-less cycle starts its final descent, and as teenage country singers Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina compete on TV one last time, it's clear that Randy's premonition was 100% accurate. (At this point I should mention that I think remixes are often endless, repetitive, lazy cash grabs, more about the producer than the original artist.)
At this point, I'd urge everyone to raise your seat backs to their full, upright position. Failure to do so will result in you falling asleep within eight minutes. Unless you're a country fan, this will be the most boring "Idol" finale since Katharine McPhee sat down to sing "Over the Rainbow" for the 900th time.
But wait! What's this? A carefully worded post on TMZ hinting that Lauren Alaina may be too sick to perform and producers are scrambling to reinstate third-placer Haley Reinhart in the eleventh hour? Damn you, "Idol"! All the jokes I prepared about Smirky McSmirky versus Lauren Alaina and her ageless wonder of a mother will have to be tossed.
But relax, Lauren Alaina fans. I'm all but certain that this was a last-minute attempt to drum up publicity and get some extra eyeballs on Fox at 8 p.m. But either way, keep your chin up. Because I vow to make our two-night "Idol" finale viewing as fun as possible! I'll be live-blogging every Scotty smirk, every Steven Tyler expletive and every sighting of the true star of "Idol" this year: Mama Alaina.
So join me as we, as a nation, decide who is truly "in it to win it." Will Scotty's front-runner status bite him in the (illegal in most states) ass the way it did Crystal Bowersox and Adam Lambert? Will Lauren finally (FINALLY!) live up to the potential we all saw back in her Nashville audition? Will Haley fans rejoice as their fave gets thrown into the finale last minute? Will Randy Jackson rival BetaMax as the most useless part of pop culture from the past 50 years?
Let's find out, together! The live blog kicks off a little before 8 p.m. ET. If you're on the West Coast, wait three hours or else you'll be spoiled. While you wait for the fun to begin, catch up on season 10's shenanigans with my "Idol in 60 Seconds" recaps, embedded above.
7:49 p.m.: So much last minute dramaz! So TMZ (who appeared on "Idol" this season, just a reminder) is reporting that Lauren is going to drop out of the finale, giving 3rd placer Haley Reinhart a shot at the title. TV Guide says Lauren IS performing. TVLine's Michael Slezak has an exclusive that Haley Reinhart is currently rehearsing. I've heard that although Lauren is sick, she is "in it to win it" tonight. Whew!
7:53 p.m.: Seven minutes until millions of Haley Reinhart fans are disappointed!
7:55 p.m.: What will happen first on tonight's "Idol" finale? Scotty McCreery will make a scary face or Lauren Alaina will call Seacrest "peaches?" Answer: I miss Naima Adedapo.
7:57 p.m.: Full disclosure: tonight I'm live-blogging from MTV's Santa Monica office. I'll be "Glee-capping" later, so I couldn't go to the Nokia tonight. But tomorrow I'll be all up on "Idol's" red carpet AND live-blogging from on site.
7:59 p.m.: T-minus sixty seconds before J. Lo guest stars on "Howdy Doody!"
8:00 p.m.: The show begins with creepy childhood footage of Carrie Underwood and David Cook. Even scarier: a shot of Scotty's audition flip flops and Lauren's B-52's "Cosmic Thing" inspired satin top. The horrors!
8:01 p.m.: An eight-year old Scotty McCreery introduces himself as an "Idol" winner. Damn, Nigel Lythgoe's been pimping this kid as a winner way longer than we thought!
8:02 p.m.: Oh my heck, David Archuleta's in the audience!
8:03 p.m.: Ryan Seacrest is wearing his Emmys tux. "Idol" goes green! #Recycling
8:04 p.m: In "Things I Could Have Told You Four Months Ago" News: Lauren Alaina's mom is wearing animal print to the finale.
8:04 p.m.: America, meet "Idol's" Dr. Spaceman! His name is actually Dr. Nuzhatmansomething, but he has as much credibility as Chris Parnell's "30 Rock" character.
8:05 p.m.: First round is Contestant's Favorite from the Season. (More recycling!) Scotty is reprising "Gone," but giving it an angry swagger. I'd be angry too if the first five minutes of a competition was dedicated to making the audience feel bad for my opponent.
8:07 p.m.: Scotty's "angry face" reminds me of when my four year old nephew isn't allowed to watch "Scooby Doo."
8:08 p.m.: We're not going to hear what the judges have to say about Scotty's first performance? I guess "Idol" producers finally realized what viewers have been saying for months: these judges are useless.
8:10 p.m.: Commercial break #1 reveals my beautiful dark twisted fantasy: I'm 99% sure I could eat a Taco Bell 12-pack by myself.
8:11 p.m.: Lauren Alaina's pick is "Flat On The Floor." She began the song being raised on a platform. Perhaps she'll change the lyrics to "Flat On The Stage Mechanisms" instead?
8:13 p.m.: Lauren sounds awesomely hoarse during some sassy high notes. I like sick Lauren!
8:14 p.m.: Round one is a tie. Sorry guys, all country music sounds the same to me. (Does that make me racist?)
8:15 p.m: Next round is Songs Picked By The Idol's Idol! We should all be thankful that James Durbin did not make the finale because his idol, WWE champ The Miz, would have picked something off of "Macho Man" Randy Savage's hip hop album. Shudder.