Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down low, because tonight the tenth insane season of "American Idol" is coming to a close.
It’s a cycle that brought us singing cleaning ladies, a scatting jazz freak, a galloping Nashville indie heartthrob, a growling sex kitten piñata, a pyromaniac rocker, a gospel lovin' spa concierge straight out of Compton, and, ultimately, two country fetus finalists who were born after Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" hit stores. With Simon Cowell on to bigger (and better?) projects, all eyes were on two new judges, more concerned with promoting their new singles than giving honest critiques.
Welcome to "American Idol X: Everybody’s Ridiculous (And Beautiful And Perfect!)"
The two hour seven minute finale spectacular kicks off at 8pm EDT, and I’ll be live-blogging every hot mess moment of it! The random cameos! The jaw-dropping group numbers! Randy Jackson’s sure-to-be-absurd outfit! And, of course, the results, although (spoiler alert) the winner is Scotty McCreery.
I’ll be reporting live from the Nokia Press Room, so in addition to the obligatory “8:02pm – Naima Adedapo just yelled ‘boom fiyah’ while cartwheeling” entry, I’ll also spill about what’s going on backstage. Two years ago, I caught Kris Allen fumbling through a Disney World promo. Four years ago, I spied Jordin Sparks wolfing down some post-victory CPK. (I believe it was the barbeque Thai pizza?) Who knows what secret treasures I'll discover in the press room this year?
8:37 p.m.: Well! This might be the first ever live-blog that began 37 minutes late. Excuse me while I wipe egg off of my face. Sorry kids! I was busy chatting with Adam Lambert on the "Idol" red carpet, and then got stuck on an endless security line. But I'm here! And the festivities begin now. What have I missed?
8:40 p.m.: Kirk Franklin entered the press room and they cut the audio to Steven Tyler's "best of" package. After two minutes of nobody asking him questions he left. (Poor thing.) But I'm thrilled because my girl Haley Reinhart is singing with Alec Baldwin dressed like Tony Bennett! "Steppin' Out!"
8:42 p.m.: I think Tony Bennett's latest "Italian Grandma" look really suits him. I love that cat. But he needs to keep his paws off my girl Haley Reinhart.
8:44 p.m.: And now we get an edited piece all about how beautiful Jennifer Lopez is. And now J. Lo is moved to tears by it. This is a big moment in Women's History, you guys.
8:46 p.m.: Remember that TLC reality show where they tried to find a new member after Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez's tragic passing? Well, apparently Lil Jon won.
8:50 p.m.: Ryan Seacrest introduced Scotty McCreery and Tim McGraw so that they could further confuse the Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying" / Kris Allen "Live Like We're Dying" thing.
8:58 p.m.: Joe Repka is back, continuing his voice-over career on "Idol." Not gonna lie, this guy could have had a career in animated movies back in the 80's, before celebrities cashed in and took over that market. Speaking of which: did I miss Jack Black and Casey Abrams?!!
9:01 p.m.: Marc Anthony is performing. Is it Dia De Las Muertas already?!
9:02 p.m.: J. Lo joined Marc Anthony on stage, and now they're engaging in some sexy choreo. Yeesh, and I thought it was awkward when I walked in on my parents doin' it when I was a kid.
9:07 p.m.: Casey, James (or as Seacrest just announced, "Casey James") and the rest of the boys are doing a medley of Tom Jones songs. God help us if Jacob Lusk sings "Sex Bomb."